Not the Premier League

Football Violence
Questions were asked in the House Of Commons today about a new reality TV show which will feature alcoholic ex-footballers being forced to fight homeless people in the street for drink.

Didn't You Used To Be...Sober? will feature an array of former greats battling it out with thirsty tramps in locations including the Tottenham Court Road, Manchester Piccadilly Railway Station and Glasgow. Prizes on offer include cans of Special Brew, paint thinner, nail varnish and a bottle of Ernst & Julio Gallo White Zinfandel.

It is believed that a former England full-back, an FA Cup winner and 14 ex-Scotland captains are among the contenders.

Leader of the Opposition David Cameron called it "a step too far" and, seemingly confused about the difference between the telly and the government, objected on the basis that violent assaults on the poor were "a long and noble Tory tradition going back generations".

He added that the programme proved just how out of touch the Labour party were with "the average landowner on the street".



Match-Fixing Allegations
The curse of match-fixing, which dogged the game in the early nineties, appears to be back on the radar with rumours that several games this weekend were 'fixed' by a Far Eastern betting syndicate.

Fans at Sheffield Wednesday's Hillsborough stadium were astonished when Elvis Presley ran onto the pitch after exactly an hour during their 1-0 home win against Doncaster Rovers.

Detective Inspector Roger Forest of South Yorkshire police confirmed that a bet of one hundred pounds had been placed on just such an event in a local Ladbrokes at 2.35pm that day. The odds of a million to one present a huge headache for the bookies, but they say they will reluctantly pay out.

"We're treating it as a coincidence," said Detective Inspector Forest. "But we are looking into the possibility that it might be one of them Far Eastern syncopation things.

"We are looking at Grimsby or possibly Cleethorpes as a likely source of the criminals," he explained. "You can't get much more Far Eastern than that, so it's probably them.

"To be honest though, it was probably just a coincidence," he added.



Haunting News
The ghost of Bobby Moore is haunting an east London supermarket. Shoppers at the branch of Aldi have reported being expertly intercepted at the meat counter and harried perfectly out of the door and away from the tills.

Security staff have also seen a Moore-like ghostly apparition holding the employee of the month trophy aloft in the middle of the night. Former team-mate Jimmy Greaves confirmed it was the England legend and he'd seem him personally appear behind the tripe counter. "It's a funny old game, the paranormal," he said, adding, "what would Deadly Doug do, Saint?"



FIFA Initiative 9867234
In a bid to mess up the game which keeps them actively employed, FIFA boffins are plotting a major new rule change which will force every side to field at least three very drunk players.

"Drunkenness on the pitch will encourage dribbling, random acts of violence and quite probably bodily fluids to be spilled; all things the average fan wants to see more of in football," said a FIFA official.



In Other News
Wolves employ no actual wolves, says a shocked McCarthy.

Wenger 'still laughing' after weekend result.

Ian Wright 'only a hallucination' claims BBC governor.

Top striker caught in bed with male ferret AND pigeons.

Blatter to have digestive disorder named after him.

In-depth investigation into corruption in football concludes Derby is illegal.


By Alan Tyers and John Nicholson