You might have heard, but Davey Moyes could rather do with a no-nonsense home win. It's also a Big Weekend for Southampton, Benteke, Norwich and the Berb...
If anything, Andre Villas-Boas didn't go far enough when confronting Neil Ashton. Still, a few more wins and those no-shirts, no-shoes wrestling matches won't be necessary...
There's an episode of The West Wing, set while Martin Sheen's President Bartlet is running for election, when he yells at his staff for some fairly minor perceived error. He's angry, irritable, illogical and generally makes the life of his staff miserable.
One of these staff mentions that Bartlet is being quite the 'son of a bitch' to his wife, who says: "He's not ready yet, Josh - he's terrified."
That's how David Moyes appears before his first proper game as Manchester United manager, his public statements belying a crippling fear at what's ahead. From the constant mentions of what a tough job this is going to be, to his reaction to the club's failures in the transfer market, laughably claiming that there hadn't been enough time for him to sign a midfielder (or anyone, really), to his bizarrely paranoid questioning of the fixture list - Moyes is cacking himself.
"I hope it's not because Manchester United won the league quite comfortably last year (that) the fixtures have been made much more difficult," Moyes said, adjusting his tin foil hat and checking Jim Corr's website for the latest theory on which lizards run the world these days.
"I find it hard to believe that's the way the balls came out of the bag, that's for sure."
True enough, United have a tough start to the season, with Saturday's trip to Swansea followed by encounters with Chelsea, Liverpool and Manchester City, but that's how fixture lists work. Every team has tricky runs of games - Aston Villa, for example, play Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool and Manchester City before the end of September (more on this shortly). They're not out to get you, David.
His fear is understandable, of course. Following Sir Alex Ferguson is near-enough impossible even without a flailing summer chasing assorted midfielders around Europe like a ginger Benny Hill, a truculent star striker whose agent has The Daily Mail on speed dial and a nightmarish run of fixtures to contend with.
Moyes knows that, despite Ferguson's declaration that the Old Trafford crowd must get behind the new man, there is plenty of scepticism among the United support about his qualification for the biggest job in English club football. It reeks of nepotism, of United being too scared to tell Ferguson 'No' when he picked his mate to succeed him.
Moyes might turn out to be great for United, but he knows that a bad or even indifferent start cannot happen if he is to win over those who are leaving the Kool Aid well alone. He's not ready yet, Josh - he's terrified.
"We are ready to do quick deals but all the transfers do not depend only on us," said Wenger at the end of July. "But we are prepared to wait. It looks unlikely before the Emirates Cup.
"We still have a strong squad but we are there on the market to try to strengthen our team. With or without additions we can be title challengers next season."
Unless something extraordinary happens on Friday, Arsenal will begin the season with more or less the same team as ended last. Some fat has been trimmed, a young Frenchman has been added, but it's basically the same. Arsenal finished 16 points behind Manchester United last season, so how does Wenger propose they bridge that gap without making the team stronger?
This, by the ever-excellent Swiss Ramble, displays exactly how much money Arsenal have in their Scrooge McDuck-style cash vault. If you can't be bothered to read it, I'll summarise: they've got loads and loads and loads and loads of cash. Just sitting there. Just lying around, waiting to be spent. And none of it has been spent. It's all still there.
If you don't believe me, here's a salient point from that report: according to the last set of financial results (at the end of the 2011/12 season), Arsenal had cash reserves of £154million. The other 19 Premier League clubs combined had £181 million.
The air is thick with discontent at Arsenal after their activity, or lack thereof, off the pitch, so things will not improve any if their season on the pitch starts badly. They begin with a home game against Aston Villa, which should theoretically be fairly straightforward. Theoretically.
Still, maybe it won't make a huge amount of difference. In 2011/12 Wenger made all of his signings in the last five minutes of the transfer window; Arsenal finished third. In 2012/13 he made all of his signings in the first five minutes of the transfer window; Arsenal finished fourth.
Finishing in the top four is what Arsenal do, but they're making it more difficult for themselves every year.
Whoever plays up front for Liverpool
Liverpool's squad has a couple of excellent, proven strikers, who contributed 33 league goals to the cause last season - a shade under half of their total.
Unfortunately, neither of those strikers, Luis Suarez and Daniel Sturridge, will be available to start the season opener against Stoke on Saturday.
Suarez is of course indisposed, while Sturridge is not 100% fit, having only played half a friendly since the end of last season due to injury. So who will lead the line? Fabio Borini? Iago Aspas?
Rodgers will hope that either/both of those players performs for two reasons - the first is obvious, but the second is that a goal or two from his stand-ins will allow him to be a little more cautious with Sturridge. If he feels the need to rush Sturridge back, he of course risks worsening the injury, and with Suarez (working on the assumption that he does love the fans too much and stays, even though he potentially became the first footballer ever to deny he loved his fans this week) out until the back end of September, risk must be kept to a minimum at that end of the pitch.
The name 'Alan Curbishley' will have appeared next to Hughes's a fair bit in recent times. An unfashionable club achieves success but appears to be plateauing, with a vague sense that they could do a bit better, then a change of manager sends them into a spiral as it turns out that plateau was the best they could hope for.
Stoke may have mutually consented Tony Pulis in the hope of something better than constant lower-mid-table finishes achieved through robust/violent (delete according to whether you're an Arsenal fan or not) football, but appointing Hughes doesn't exactly scream 'revolution!'
Still, Hughes has indicated that he wants to alter their style of play.
"It will take time - on occasions we'll make mistakes but if we want to play in a certain way that's what we have to do," Hughes told BBC Radio Stoke this week.
"I've got good players, and I wouldn't ask them to do anything I don't feel they are capable of doing."
Patience is required, but an opening-day win at Anfield would go some way to buying him plenty of that.
Man, those first three games. Screwed over a little by Chelsea having to move the game scheduled for August 31 because of the European Super Cup, Villa must travel to Arsenal and Chelsea before hosting Liverpool, all within the first week of the season.
Paul Lambert would presumably have preferred a nice, gentle few games to allow his young fleet of recruits to settle in, but there's a strong chance of Villa being stuck on zero points after the first three games. Not ideal for confidence.
You can see why Villa fans might have panicked after hearing Twitter rumours that Christian Benteke had broken his leg on Wednesday night...
The new boys
You'll struggle to find a set of pre-season predictions that don't have Crystal Palace, Hull and in many cases Cardiff as relegation picks. Of course, journalists have occasionally been wrong, but it is an indication that their chances are not fancied.
"My experience will help," said Ian Holloway this week, his experience being one season with Blackpool that ended in relegation.
As their squads stand at the moment, Palace look the weakest, with Cardiff's recruitment of Steven Caulker standing out and Hull beefing up their midfield with Tom Huddlestone and Jake Livermore. If those two perform with less illustrious colleagues than at Spurs, and if they can get Danny Graham scoring again, and if Sone Aluko can stay fit, Hull might stand a chance.
A lot of 'ifs' there, as there will be for the whole season with these three. Godspeed and good luck, chaps. You're going to need it.
Paolo di Canio
As if we expected anything else from Di Canio. His policy of dealing with this underachieving and apparently unfit Sunderland squad is has not so much been 'rip it up and start again', more 'rip it up, set fire to it, shout at it for a bit, then start again'.
Expected, yes, but a gamble - certainly.
The freewheelin' Martin Jol
As Andi Thomas explained at more length here, Martin Jol is quite the maverick, recruiting ball-players aplenty but apparently neglecting to find anyone who can actually get that ball off the opposition. Scott Parker doesn't count, because winning the ball is one thing, but doing something other than spinning around on the spot with it until he gets all dizzy and falls over, is another.
It's a fine and worthy experiment...for neutrals watching and hoping to see something sexy, but for a team who will actually need to win some games? It's bold, for sure.
And as an aside, here's what Jol had to say on Thursday, about Fulham's new owner Shahid Khan. We think.
"The new owner's not interfering with anything. The only thing he said was try to create a nice sausage.
"He knows that we like sausages here. As long as it's a nice sausage he'll be happy."
Perhaps it's more accurate to describe it as a big season for the centre-back, because with England's defensive options so uninspiring in a position that used to be so strong, a World Cup place (assuming, etc and so on) is very much up for grabs.
Caulker will have watched Gary Cahill being bamboozled by Kenny Miller at Wembley and been encouraged that, now with a guaranteed first-team spot at Cardiff, he has a real chance.
All teams involved in sagas
Players will tell you that these things don't bother them, but it must have a disruptive influence on the rest of the team, if only because of the uncertainty. If a player leaves, there's a finality, some closure - you know he's not coming back. If a player is missing from the team because he's injured, you know he'll be back at some stage, unless you're an Arsenal player, in which case you might be crushed under the weight of crippling doubt.
But with a saga, nobody knows. The Spurs players won't be sure if their best player will ever join them again, Manchester United won't know if Wayne Rooney will still be around, Liverpool's etc and so on and so forth.
The argument that the transfer window should close before the season starts is a compelling one, because it distorts the competition - this is where Moyes might have half a point (if the fixture list was compiled deliberately to hamstring United, which, and we cannot stress enough - it isn't), because it places those who have their toughest games in August at a disadvantage.
Still, let's not give Moyes much more justification for his theories, eh?
Nick Miller - follow him on Twitter