Degsy desperately needs to pay off his mobile phone debt, so he's lumping on Falcao to open his account with the first goal at Old Trafford on Sunday...
Degsy's is back in sparkling form after his sister's A Levels results. He fancies Chelsea at odds against and Aaron Ramsey to keep his goalscoring touch...
Manchester United v Swansea
So here we go again. Despite legitimate concerns about my mental health I've been rolled out for another season by F365 like some crazy uncle at Christmas. I write this while eating a six-pack of out of date Disco's (BBE June 2014) and can say matter of factly that the Red Devils have precious little chance of claiming the league this term. ManYoo will shorten for the title given their easy-ish start to the season but there is too much uncertainty about them defensively to even think about mentioning them in the title shake up.
Betting: Both teams to score at 6/5 (Hills)
Leicester v Everton
The Toffees at odds-against here? Romelu Lukaku on a permanent and Ross Barkley on a long term deal? Boys in the park? Jumpers for goalposts? Just had a little weepy touch of myself.
Betting: Everton to win at 7/5 (Sky Bet)
QPR v Hull
Two words. Charlie f*cking Austin.
Betting: Austin to score first at 6/1 (Bet Victor)
Stoke City v Aston Villa
Villa are my naps to be relegated at 3/1 and WILL kick off the new season with defeat at Stoke. I know a lot of people like to cross reference my picks with 'Lawro's Predictions' on the BBC website. Well to those people I say simply; Go get your f*cking shine box".
Betting: Stoke HT-FT v Aston Villa
West Brom v Sunderland
The Baggies at 5/4? Yeah right. I'd rather kidnap Liam Neeson's daughter. Give me the Black Cats here using a good pulley technique.
Betting: Sunderland to win at 13/5 (Bet Victor)
West Ham v Tottenham
£30million for Eric Lamela. What an embarrassment. But he's another season older and wiser and my hunch is he will bounce back and show people that while rough times don't last, realm folk do.
Betting: Lamela first goalscorer at 9/1 (Stan James)?
Arsenal v Crystal Palace
I was tipped off about Tony Pulis early on Thursday afternoon so remortgaged my 08 plate Clio and smashed into evens about him being the next Premier League boss to leave his post. Suffice to say I lost all of the winnings plus £76 immediately after backing Mikhael Youzhny to beat David Ferrer in the tennis. The moral of the story? If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
Betting: Arsenal to win to nil at 5/6 (Sky Bet)
Liverpool v Southampton
I bought a Southampton season ticket this summer. I don't follow them or anything I just felt they way they were selling players there is every chance if I brought my boots and shinnies I'd get a game... Or be sold to Liverpool as a bare minimum. Home win here. Easy.
Betting: Liverpool to win 3-1 at 12/1 (Ladbrokes)
Newcastle v Man City
Good game to round off the first weekend of action and while Alaine De-pardieu has spent cannily this summer, the uncouth efforts of his back & white army with be no match for City's slick effervescence. Yaya scores, and City dominate.
Betting: Yaya Toure - Man of the Match at 6/1 (Bet Victor)
Cursed Everton already there... Barkley & likely Lukaku too both injured.- Rosebeaver