Apply lukewarm water, Antonio. Plus counting, an 'amazing' Mourinho moment, and the glorious return of acewatch.
Brighton have signed striker Izzy Brown from Chelsea on a season-long loan deal.
Quite a lot of people have moved already. Though most of them have probably passed you by...
So Bayern beat Chelsea, who beat Arsenal, who beat Bayern, all in pre-season. It's like it doesn't matter.
Daniel Storey is a massive nerd and cares about stuff like this. Which notable squad numbers are missing?
Van Dijk to Chelsea (with loads of other players), Sanchez to force City move, Wilshere to Turkey. Ish.
Monaco look likely to set a new record for the most transfer income received in one season...
Despite Chelsea and Kenedy's apology, he is heading home after sparking outrage in China...
Mourinho said Liverpool and Chelsea will have to acclimatise to European football. Klopp says shush.
Here is a full list of every pre-season result, the fixtures to come, and the goalscorers so far.
Which players have just over a month to get a move or have a really boring season?
Mails on Grasshoppers, Euro 2017, Chelsea, Hernandez, Fellaini and the Tour de France...
One month you're lambasting clubs for spending. The next month the opposite. Sure...
Petr Cech, John Terry, Frank Lampard, Didier Drogba and co. versus Antonio Conte's 2016-17 team.
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