Arsene Wenger: A Man That Just Never Learns

It's been the same ever since childhood (Andi Thomas and Alexander Netherton imagine) - Arsene Wenger is always making mistakes over and over...

Last Updated: 24/03/14 at 10:21 Post Comment

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Young Arsene Wenger is sitting in his house in Strasbourg. Having come in from the cold outside, he takes off his enormous, padded coat and sits by the fire to warm himself up. Just like last week, without thinking, the professorial toddler stretches out his hands onto the wood-burner in the living room. "Aie!" He shrieks as he burns himself.

His mum comes in from the kitchen and says, "Arsene! Tu l'as deja fait! Imbecile!".

Moments after Olivier Giroud has advanced into space and Giroud'd a limp shot towards a grateful Petr Cech, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain's loose pass is intercepted. Andre Schurrle sets Samuel Eto'o up on the right hand side of the box, cuts onto his left and curls a shot past Wojciech Szczesny.

Teenage Arsene Wenger puts on his new pair of jeans and puts on a tee-shirt. He gets on the bus to go to school, eschewing the chance to buy a Mars Bar on his way because he doesn't want to spoil his lunch of grilled chicken and pasta. He gets into his form room a couple of minutes late, and someone shouts to him that he hasn't done his flies up. "Merde!" shouts Wenger, realising that he forgot to do the studs up, as the rest of his jeans have zips.

Andre Schurrle runs onto Nemanja Matic's pass after Arsenal play a loose pass in midfield. He gets to the same position as Eto'o did for the first goal, and drills a low shot into the corner, the same that Eto'o had found a couple of minutes ago.

Young Wenger is taking a girl out on a first date. He's nervous. She's pretty, and he isn't. Appearing to look suave, he decides that he'll take the lead and order for the girl and him. "Pardon, deux vins de verre blancs, s'il vous plait," he says to the waiter. Realising his mistake, he quickly corrects, "Ah, verres de vin." But it's too late, he's gone red, and the date quickly falls apart as he flusters for dignity. he spends the night alone, cursing his habit.

Eden Hazard bursts forward after Fernando Torres intercepts a loose pass from Arsenal, and curls a shot wide of goal. Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain handballs, and Kieran Gibbs is mistakenly sent off by Andre Marriner - all handballs look the same, after all. Hazard converts the penalty, firing down the middle as Szczesny commits to his right.

On his way to university, Wenger checks for his wallet - in his jeans - his notepad - in his bag - and grabs his keys from the shelf by the door. He slams the door and realises he's done it again. He's taken the keys for his parents' house and is locked out. He makes his way to the locksmith for the second time that month.

Torres holds the ball up on the right wing, and waits for Oscar, unmarked, to complete his run from midfield, and sends in a low ball for him to blast high into the net. Arsenal's midfield was again torn to shreds, and there's hoots of derision from literally everyone on the planet.

Making notes before the Manchester United match, Wenger deletes 'Cleverly' and replaces it with 'Cleverley'. Force of habit means he ends up having to use the 'find and replace' function to make sure he gets rid of the other eleven mistakes he made for the same spelling.

Oscar advances on goal and curls in a low shot towards goal. Szczesny gets down to his left but lets the ball bounce over him in an embarrassing misjudgement. Chelsea are five up, and there's plenty left of the game.

In the summer of 2013, Wenger surveys his squads and draws up a list of weaknesses in his squad. There's a lack of steel across the squad, and two defensive or combative midfielders are needed. Up front, Wenger needs to give Olivier Giroud competition, or better yet buy a superior striker. Szczesny has made errors regularly, and a senior goalkeeper would give his defence resilience and confidence, especially as they could do with improvement, too. At the end of the transfer window, Wenger buys a young striker on a free transfer, gives Mathieu Flamini a contract in the knowledge that he won't even pick him when he needs to , and buys Mesut Ozil, a flighty playmaker, for £42 million.

Matic spots Mohamed Salah's run, and with Arsenal's defence and midfield in chaos, with the confidence shot after another heavy defeat to a title rival, the Egyptian steams through to slot the ball under the 'keeper. 1,000 games, and Wenger never learns.

Andi Thomas and Alexander Netherton

You can follow Andi on Twitter here, Alexander on Twitter here, and buy last season's Diary here.

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Readers' Comments


his is brilliant! All these years of moral ambiguity, grey areas of offence and we have a simple, easy to follow guide to right and wrong. What did you do today? I kicked the face off a panda . Oh well, you didn't rape, kill anyone or abuse a minor, knock yourself champ.

megabrow (cufc)
Redknapp leaps to Mackay defence


wonder if he'd feel the same way if he wasn't a white, non-jewish heterosexual male. Because Mackay has basically insulted everyone else!

Redknapp leaps to Mackay defence


heers Harry. I was wondering if he'd murdered anyone

Redknapp leaps to Mackay defence

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