Doing just enough for victory after the introduction of a young French forward and marking the departure of an established player to Manchester City. How very, very Arsenal...
We're not a fan of meaningless marks out of ten, so here's a ratings system you can really get on board with. From 'breaded ham' to 'cat litter' with plenty in between...
Duh nuh nur nur, duh nuh nuh-duh. Duh nuh nur nur, duh nuh nuh-nuh. Duh nuh nur nur, duh nuh nuh-nuh. Duh nuh nur nur, duh nuh nuh-nuh. Duh nuh nur nur, duh nuh nuh-nuh. Duh nuh nur nur, duh nuh nuh nuh. Duh nuh nur nur, duh nuh nuh-nuh. Duh nuh nur nur, duh nuh nuh-nuh, duh nuh nuh, duh nuh nuh nuh nuh NUH NUHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. It's the final countdown.
Until next week.
Chelsea 0-0 Norwich
The big story of the weekend. Huge. Massive. Top. Enormous. Bigger than your dad's house. Chelsea drawing at home to Norwich? Jose Mourinho yet again failing at home to poor sides, wretched sides, even sides that Manchester United beat this year? Chelsea struggling with creativity after Oscar and Eden Hazard have both been criticised for their lack of form or hard work? Fernando Torres running around without a sense that it is all a big nothing?
No, the big story here is that Ashley Cole cried at the end of the game, in what is possibly his final match at home for Chelsea. Ashley Cole has emotions. Granted, it's self-pity, but it's nevertheless a start.
Spurs, I want to say 0, and West Ham, I want to say 2?
I defy anyone to find anything interesting to say about this game beyond recycled cheese and gilet jokes.
Arsenal 1-0 WBA
The big story of the weekend. Huge. Massive. Top. Enormous. Bigger than that time your dad throw a stone really far and accidentally killed a cat. Arsenal, a team that failed to beat Manchester United, beating West Bromwich Albion, a side that even Manchester United managed to beat? Aaron Ramsey being back on the pitch? Olivier Giroud wearing a loaf of bread on his head instead of choosing to have a proper hairstyle?
No, the big story is that this is possibly Kim Kallstrom's final home game for Arsenal. The emotional connection between club and player is possibly only matched by the depth of feeling between Eric Cantona and Manchester United's followers. Congratulations to Arsenal, of course, for winning yet another trophy ahead of the FA Cup final with Hull City. Will they ever win an actual trophy? It would be a fitting end to a such an illustrious spell from Kallstrom. Do it for him, Arsene. Do it for him, Nacho.
Aston Villa 3 or possibly 4 - 1 Hull City
As Paul Lambert said in his press conference after the match:
"I'm like fresh outfits, blunts they lit. And a ***** out in bout who don't buck a ****. Yeah I gave you a classic in my debut, cash flow for the **** I bought (straight to). You wanna ride you can't be actin' like Dre foo'. NWA I bet you ace played you. Hollywood, Hollywood, I see the big lights. And I'm with my big homie Ricky ***** yeah right."
Seeking clarification, Sean Custis replied.:
"Money ain't a thing I remain blinged up. Hundred on the chain ***** I think I'm King Tut. A ***** young and rich who feel like can't touched. Forty stacks for the shades, so I can't see much, inless you get the dollars still talkin' cash flow. Thousand dollar bill president Fidel Castro. ***** with a attitude .50 and a mac-10."
To which Lambert said:
"I'm in a heli-chopper starin' at the boat docks. Good weather good weather means more flux. Look in my eyes you can tell I'm seeing so clear. I get them bitches a prison an feeling no fear. More money means more Louis carry-on. When I touch your city you should see how **** carry on. ***** what's my name ace ****** hood ain't a damn thang change us.
It did not make the Sunday papers, but should be in the Mondays.
Everton 2-3 Manchester City.
Match-fixing is an ugly business. In China, South Africa, Italy, Germany and leagues all across the world, there are examples of betting syndicates putting pressures on players to throw games. There was even the case of Bruce Grobbelaar being accused in this country, though he wasn't convicted of anything. That is as you expect, because as UKIP point out, anyone in another country is a disgusting, untrustworthy, inherently sinful monster not capable of respecting the British sense of decency, fair play and steak and ale pie.
Until Saturday. Liverpool fans in Britain and the world over have demanded action be taken against Everton for plainly throwing the match against Manchester City in order to give City the advantage in the title race. One RAWK forum member demanded that the players, managers and every single person in the crowd (yes, really) be investigated for match-fixing. They almost had the neutrals fooled, what with Ross Barkley scoring one of the best goals of the season in the opening stages, and almost pulling the game back to 3-3 towards the end. Clever, Everton, very clever.
Stoke 4-1 Fulham
As some chap pointed out on Twitter, it says a lot about Fulham that despite being relegated, being owned by Mohamed Al Fayed, with a Michael Jackson statue outside the ground, they were never interesting. As in life, so in death. Bye.
Newcastle United 3-0 Cardiff City
Newcastle Geordies showed their displeasure at being owned by a zesty billionaire with a love for life, sponsored by chief p*ssers-on-the-poor, Wonga, managed by a cheeky and charismatic cockney headbutter and guided in the transfer market at times by an experienced director of football capable of getting any manager in the game on the telephone, by staging a walkout.
The sense of entitlement from these barcoded b*stards is unimaginable. What does this shower want? A club run for its community, by somebody from or who cares about and understands the city, who invests a reasonable amount of money in players rather than borrowing two strikers and selling their best midfielder without replacing him? Do they want to get corporate sponsorship from companies that at least know how to spell 'ethics'?
P.S. Bye Cardiff, the Premier League was not any more interesting for having one Welsh team, so it really didn't need two. Good luck with Vincent Tan.
Swansea 0-1 Southampton
You don't care, neither do we. Nor do the players.
Manchester United 0-1 Sunderland
Race relations' and dressing room hygiene's Gus Poyet is steering Sunderland towards safety, needing in all likelihood one point from the last two games of the season. His side has ten points from the last 12 available, and they have beaten Chelsea and Manchester United, and drawn against Manchester City.
However, the other side's manager, Ryan Giggs, has now got a win ratio that is even worse than David Moyes and Matt Busby. The sooner he is removed, the better. Even David Moyes didn't lose to Sunderland. Probably. Who has time for research?
Crystal Palace 0-27 Liverpool
No man has ever scored 26 goals in a Premier League game before, much less 26 goals all from 30 yards, all screaming volleys. But no man has ever been Steven Gerrard before.
Andi Thomas and Alexander Netherton