F365 Top Ten: Deals That Shouldn't Happen

The silly season is in full swing, with various ludicrous rumours doing the rounds, some of which we've thought - 'That would be cretinous'. We pick out the top ten moves that should stay in the gossip rags.

It should be noted that this isn't an exhaustive list of the dodgiest rumours around, just ones that have a remote chance of happening and make little/no logical sense...


10 - Paul Robinson back to Spurs
This only sneaks into the list because it wasn't a particularly widely-reported 'rumour', but why, when Spurs have two perfectly good keepers, would they purchase the decidedly dodgy one they sold a year ago? It makes no sense, but then again millions of people watching a Butlins talent contest on the telly makes little sense, so what do we know?


9 - Tom Huddlestone to Aston Villa
You've just sold arguably your best midfielder for more than can reasonably be expected in a normal market. He was the energetic driving force behind your most successful seasons in years. He could play convincingly in three or four positions. We, and logic, would argue that the ideal replacement is not an admittedly talented lummock who can't tackle and has problems with, you know, running.


8 - Allan McGregor, Barry Ferguson and/or Kris Boyd to Birmingham
While there is plenty to be said for a manager bringing in familiar faces, this would represent a colossal gamble at best for Alex McLeish. Boyd is notorious in Scotland for providing absolutely nothing apart from goals, and while that might sound enough, he will get half of the chances down here as he does up there. Ferguson wasn't up to the Premier League when he was in his prime, and he's well past that now, and McGregor still isn't convincing in the SPL.


7 - Glen Johnson back to Chelsea
Johnson's rise to (default) first-choice England right-back has been a gradual one. From being plucked too early from West Ham's relegation mess in 2003, to a premature promotion to the England squad, it took first a loan then permanent move to Portsmouth for him to reach his current level, which one still suspects does not represent his full potential. For his education to continue, he should stay where he is for another season at least. Then, we might have a seriously talented full-back on our hands.


6 - Andrea Pirlo to Chelsea
The Daily Telegraph reported in May that Chelsea have been quoted a whopping £20million to sign the 30-year-old midfielder, which seems just a tad steep. For a start, Chelsea could do with lowering the average age of their squad, not adding another ageing player, and especially not for prices as fancy as that. Or maybe Carlo Ancelotti wants to recreate the 'mature' vibe he had at AC Milan. Anyway, even if he was 25 Pirlo would probably struggle in the Premier League. His role is one of the measured, deep-lying playmaker, and that's a role that just doesn't exist in England. Even if he did adapt to the pace, he would need a few months to do so, and that's more than long enough to lose ground in the title race.


5 - Spurs selling Roman Pavlyuchenko and/or Darren Bent
Back in March, friend of F365 and Spurs fan Dave Tickner wrote that he hoped for as little transfer activity at Spurs as possible. He's right too. With a promising squad, Harry Redknapp maybe needs to add a little left-sided cover, would probably be advised to sell David Bentley if he gets a decent offer, but why bother tinkering with such a strong a forward four, especially if (as rumoured) he'll simply replace them with Djibril Cisse? Ignore the price tag for a moment, and simply consider the 25 goals Bent has scored in 41 starts. Realistically Spurs are not going to attract a better forward of Pavlyuchenko's type, so why bother trying and upsetting any chance of stability?


4 - Luis Antonio Valencia to Manchester United for £17million
Ever been in a conversation that you believe to be absolute nonsense, but haven't piped up because everyone else seems so sure, you're certain you've missed something? That's sort of how we at F365 feel about Valencia. Sure, he's a fine winger and certainly a hell of a find for Wigan, but a replacement for Cristiano Ronaldo? The prices being talked about for the Ecuadorian seem ridiculous, and Monday's Daily Mail claimed United have baulked at paying the rather hefty asking price. If the real fee is north of £10million, they will be well advised to spend the money elsewhere.


3 - Anyone signing Michael Owen on a full contract
Since Newcastle stumped up the rough end of £16million for Owen in 2005, he has made 58 appearances. The 26 goals he scored in that time might persuade someone to give him a contract after he leaves St James', but anyone who offers him anything more than a pay-as-you play deal is a fool. Even if he cuts his wage demands, Owen can expect to earn something like £80,000 a week, and that is not the sort of money that any club likely to sign him (Everton, Villa etc) can afford to pay for someone who will maybe play a third of the season.

Such an arrangement worked (after a fashion) for Everton with Louis Saha, so why take the risk? In fact, it's barely even a risk, because 'risk' implies it could go either way. As the past few years have taught us, Owen is guaranteed to spend the majority of the season on the sidelines.


2 - Joey Barton to anyone
There's probably still a decent footballer lingering under the cloud of unpleasantness, but the amount of time and effort it would take to uncover it is not even half worth the gamble. Barton would be relatively cheap (in terms of a transfer fee), but that's for a good reason. Countless managers have tried to tame him, but who can seriously be sure they will be able to stop his countless off AND on pitch indiscretions?

His talent is there, but it's not so great to be worth the bother, and not much good if there's another explosion just around the corner.


1 - Liverpool Selling either Xabi Alonso or Javier Mascherano
In terms of the league, Liverpool had their best season since 1990, and it's largely down to them finding a system - through luck or judgement - that utilises their four best players perfectly. The balance of creation and protection that Alonso and Mascherano provide allows Steven Gerrard to roam free and create havoc, and support Fernando Torres.

While Rafa Benitez may have to sell to raise funds, flogging either of arguably his most important players would be a colossal mistake. Sure, he wants to build on this season's success, but to use a rather laboured architectural analogy, if he rips away the foundations then the whole place will fall down. Or they just won't win the league again.

Nick Miller