The F365 Premier XI: The M People

Goalkeeper: Nigel Martyn
No contest this one, and anyone who tries to suggest Thomas Mhyre or Alex Manninger can go whistle. Remember when he was the first goalie to be bought for £1million? Heady days. Famed big spenders Crystal Palace wrote out that cheque to Bristol Rovers in 1989, and he went on to make more than 550 appearances for them, Leeds and Everton. Unlucky to be behind David Seaman for the majority of his career in the England pecking order, picking up only 23 caps. Bit of trivia for you - according to Ian Holloway the Bristol tea lady discovered him while on holiday in Cornwall, recommended him to then manager Gerry Francis, who snapped him up after a trial. Hopefully she got a cut of the transfer fee.


Centre-Half: Paul McGrath
A career that flew in the face of all logic, McGrath should not have been able to stand up most of the time, never mind be one of the most brilliant defenders of his generation. His knees were shot and his brain was sozzled with booze (indeed he admitted to playing while on the sauce in his autobiography), but still somehow managed to turn in astonishingly composed performances week after week. How Villa could do with him now. How anyone could do with him now.


Centre-Half: Olof Mellberg
Another Villa hero and a big beefy bearded bull of a man, Mellberg was (still is, probably) the subject of many a man-crush in Birmingham. However, Mellberg was more than a bit of dare-not-speak-its-name eye candy though, providing a rock in the middle of the Villa defence until he was shifted to right-back for the majority of his final season. So highly was he thought of at Villa that there was little/no outcry from the fans when he decided to sit out his contract and move to Juventus on a free in 2008.


Centre-Half: Gary Mabbutt
Completing our slightly maverick back three is a man who, in truth had his best years before 1992. Still, a more solid pro you could not imagine, with Mabbutt providing the backbone to the Spurs side for 16 years. Other than his sturdy defending, some other notable factoids about Mabbutt include that he was diabetic, he provided the title of a Coventry fanzine (Gary Mabbutt's Knee) after the own goal that won City the 1987 FA Cup, and of course famously had to play wearing a protective facemask after having his cheekbones f**ked with by John Fashanu's elbow.


Defensive Midfielder: Claude Makelele
Makelele had become the most highly-rated underrated player in history by the time he moved to Chelsea in 2003. The most reliable of water carriers, it says something about his value to a team that a 30-year old defensive midfielder cost £16.8million, even if that was when Chelsea did have financial dysentery in the early days of Roman Abramovich's time. His worth was summed up by Fernando Hierro, his captain at Real Madrid, who said: "He's been the best player in the team for years but people just don't notice him, don't notice what he does. But you ask anyone at Real Madrid during the years we were talking about and they will tell you he was the best player at Real."


Defensive Midfielder: Javier Mascherano
One of the main reasons for this unusual formation is that we couldn't split Makelele and Mascherano, probably the finest two exponents of their particular discipline in a generation. Mascherano is a different sort of shield to Makelele, but barely less effective. He's more aggressive and with a shorter fuse (as Steve Bennett will tell you) but provides a perfect foil to a more creative partner like Xabi Alonso. With Alonso on his way out of Anfield, Liverpool should put all their efforts for the rest of the transfer window into keeping Mascherano at the club. Diego Maradona recognises his worth, stating that his Argentina selection policy is always "Mascherano and ten more".


Attacking Midfielder: Gary McAllister
The story goes that McAllister was about to sign for Nottingham Forest in 1989, but Brian Clough called off the deal when McAllister (then at Leicester) showed up wearing cowboy boots. The other (and probably more accurate) version of the tale is that Gary Mac was unimpressed with Clough's brusque demeanour and decided to stay where he was, but we know which one we prefer. That turned out to be a wise choice for McAllister, moving to Leeds and winning the league a couple of years later. A spell at Coventry looked to be his last at the top level, before one of Gerard Houllier's hunches actually paid off and he spent a couple of trophy-laden years at Liverpool.


Left-Wing: Paul Merson
Watching Merson shamble around the Soccer Saturday studio these days offering his arse-witted commentary ("He's hit the beans on toast!") and 'analysis', one forgets what a brilliant player he was in his day. Fleet of foot and (surprisingly, given his current state) quick of mind, Merson could rip defences apart in short order, and only left Arsenal after being edged out by Dennis Bergkamp - not a disgrace by any means, going on to provide the creative impetus for Middlesbrough, Aston Villa and Portsmouth. It's a real shame that he will be remembered largely for his addiction to gambling, the sauce and nose candy rather than his often extraordinary skill.


Right-Wing: Steve McMananman
If you look at pictures of McMananaman when he broke into the Liverpool first team in the early nineties, you wonder how he didn't snap with a strong gust of wind, so skinny was his frame. His 'end-product' was often sub-standard (the most frequent complaint in the mid-nineties in the Miller household was from my old man complaining McManaman had 'disappeared up his own arse again'), but his dribbling skills were without rival in his generation. It's always an amusing thought that one of the reasons he was loved by the Real Madrid fans was that they thought he was a good, solid grafter, while in England he was always viewed as a flighty luxury. A phoned-in spell at Manchester City shouldn't detract from his time at Anfield.


Striker: Brian McBride
In truth, the goodwill McBride enjoyed was disproportionate to his actual ability, but given the paucity of striking talent in this 'M' team (Steve Marlet? Ian Marshall? Mickael Madar?) he's a shoo-in for the battering ram role. A man with the look of a wholesome American quarter-back, it was McBride's workrate rather than his goalscoring (40 goals in 153 games for Fulham is decent but nothing more) that made him so popular with not only his own fans, but pretty much everyone else as well.


Striker: Benni McCarthy
Coveted by a number of Premier League clubs before eventually moving to Blackburn in 2006 for buttons (well, £2.5million), McCarthy turned out to be the bargain of that season, scoring 24 goals and finishing top scorer in the Premier League. After that rumours persisted of a move to Chelsea, where Jose Mourinho - the man under whom he'd won the Champions League at Porto - knew his talent. Often a rather frustrating talent, McCarthy has never really reached the scoring heights of 2006/7, overshadowed the season after by another Hughes bargain in Roque Santa Cruz, and struggling along with the rest of the team last time out. Perhaps Santa Cruz's silly money departure could be exactly what McCarthy needs.

Nick Miller