The boys try and take a look at Alan Irvine's appearances on TV but keep dropping off. Never before has a man been too dull to even use cliches. It's not good...
* Gervinho attempted 20 dribbles v Sunderland - the highest in a PL game since Ronaldo in 05/06. Ten of his dribbles were successful.
* Santi Cazorla created seven chances for his new Arsenal teammates at the Emirates - the most of any player over the weekend.
* Mikel Arteta made a phenomenal 119 passes with a 96% pass completion rate.
* Villa completed 550 passes v the Hammers on Saturday - more than Liverpool, Chelsea, Newcastle and Tottenham.
* ...But Darren Bent touched the ball just 15 times in 90 minutes.
* Aston Villa have failed to score in five of their last seven Premier League games.
* Chelsea had just six shots to Wigan's 14 at the DW Stadium on Sunday.
* Chelsea have recorded their first away victory in the Premier League since March v Aston Villa.
* Eden Hazard was fouled four times at Wigan but Charles N'Zogbia, Samba Diakite and Nathan Dyer were all fouled more in the opening weekend.
* Nikica Jelavic only managed a 44% pass completion rate against Manchester United. Only one outfield starter (Shane Long) had a lower rate over the opening weekend.
* Marouane Fellaini won nine aerial duels against Manchester United. Only Ryan Shawcross won more over the weekend.
* According to Opta, Everton had only 31% ball possession but still managed to beat Manchester United.
* Debutant Mladen Petric hit the target with all three of his shots v Norwich and emerged with two goals and an assist.
* Every single outfield starter for Fulham recorded a pass completion rate of 88% or above.
* Fulham have lost only one PL game at Craven Cottage in the whole of 2012.
* Liverpool hit the target with only two of their 16 shots v West Brom. Luis Suarez took exactly half those shots.
* Steven Gerrard had the worst pass completion rate of any outfield Liverpool player at West Brom (82%) and failed to reach a teammate with any of his six crosses.
* Joe Allen had a 96% pass completion rate and was accurate with all 11 of his long balls.
* Man City have won 24 of their last 25 home matches in the Premier League.
* Jack Rodwell completed 90 of his 93 passes v Southampton on Sunday. Unfortunately one of the misplaced passes led to a Southampton goal.
* Samir Nasri created five chances v Southampton and was rewarded with an assist.
* Five of United's starting eleven (Michael Carrick, Nemanja Vidic, Paul Scholes, Tom Cleverley and Shinji Kagawa) achieved a pass completion rate of over 90% against Everton. Only David de Gea managed less than 80%.
* Vidic committed three fouls and didn't complete a single successful tackle.
* Paul Scholes attempted 13 long passes - 12 of them found their targets.
* Newcastle United
* Newcastle have won eight of their last 11 Premier League games.
* Hatem Ben Arfa completed five dribbles for Newcastle v Spurs and was fouled three times.
* Centre-back James Perch recorded a rare 100% pass completion rate v Tottenham.
* Norwich have shipped 19 goals in their last six PL games.
* They won just 18% of their aerial duels v Fulham on Saturday.
* On his debut Michael Turner did not win a single ball in the air, failed with four of his seven attempted clearances, made one tackle, made three fouls and gave away one penalty.
* QPR had 21 shots (eight from Adel Taarabt) v Swansea but only four were on target.
* Taarabt and Park Ji-Sung both made five chances for teammates but none were taken.
* QPR attempted 25 crosses v Swansea but only two found another QPR player.
* Adam Le Fondre's equalising penalty was only Reading's second shot on target of the game against Stoke.
* Centre-half pair Kaspars Gorkss and Alex Pearce attempted a total of 34 clearances in 90 minutes.
* Reading won only 32% of their aerial duels v Stoke.
* Rickie Lambert and Steven Davis scored with Southampton's only shots on target v Manchester City.
* Despite only having 36% possession at the Etihad they still completed more passes than Tottenham this weekend.
* The Saints made a massive 26 tackles v City, with Morgan Schneiderlin and Nathaniel Clyne making six each.
* Stoke City
* Stoke recorded a rotten 62% pass completion rate at Reading with Ryan Shawcross dipping under 50% with 47% success.
* ...But Shawcross won 11 aerial duels.
* Stoke have not won an away game in the Premier League since January 2 at Blackburn.
* Sunderland attempted four shots to Arsenal's 23 at the Emirates.
* Lee Cattermole was dribbled around a massive eight times v the Gunners.
* Sunderland have failed to score in six of their last eight Premier League games.
* Swansea scored with five of their six shots on target at Loftus Road.
* Michu had four shots v QPR - two were goals and one hit the woodwork.
* Wayne Routledge is already halfway towards last season's total of four Premier League assists.
* Lone striker Jermain Defoe took seven of Tottenham's 15 shots at Newcastle.
* Aaron Lennon recorded a 100% pass completion rate v Newcastle (note: this does not include crosses).
* The only team Spurs have beaten away from home in the PL during 2012 is Bolton.
* West Brom's two defensive midfielders Claudio Yacob and Youssuf Mulumbu managed 96% and 95% pass completion rates at the Hawthorns v Liverpool.
* Nine Baggies created chances for teammates in comparison to five Liverpool players.
* The Baggies beat Liverpool 3-0 despite having only 40% of possession at the Hawthorns.
* West Ham beat Aston Villa 1-0 despite having just 34% possession at home.
* Centre-back pairing James Collins and Winston Reid were successful with all of their 11 attempted clearances v Villa.
* They completed just 265 passes v Villa - just one more than Stoke City.
* Wigan hit the target with only four of their 14 shots v Chelsea on Sunday.
* New Wigan defender Iván Ramis made more fouls (2) than clean tackles (1).
* The Latics have won only one of their opening-weekend games in the Premier League - v Everton in 2009/10.