He would report all-out nuclear war and a Victor Moses loan deal with the same degree of hyperbole. Our man Johnny is still recovering from TDD...
1) What was significant about Lukas Podolski's appearance in Germany's Euro 2012 game against Denmark?
It was his 100th cap
2) Where was Aston Villa new boy Karim El Ahmadi born?
3) If you include being fouled for penalties, how many assists did Eden Hazard record in his first two games for Chelsea?
4) At which Premier League club did Steven Naismith spend a short spell on trial in 2006?
5) Which two Bundesliga clubs has Mladen Petric played for?
Borussia Dortmund and Hamburg
6) Which two clubs part-owned Fabio Borini before Liverpool bought him this summer?
Parma and Roma
7) How old was Jack Rodwell when he made his debut for Everton?
8) True or false - Shinji Kagawa's girlfriend is a gentleman's special interest model named Ameri Ichinose.
9) Under which current Premier League manager did Vurnon Anita become a regular for Ajax?
10) Which other two former Leeds players did Robert Snodgrass join at Norwich?
Jonny Howson and Bradley Johnson
11) Can you name the four new boys who started QPR's defeat to Swansea?
Rob Green, Fabio, Ji-sung Park and Junior Hoilett
12) From which team did Fulham buy new Reading signing Pavel Pogrebnyak?
13) Not technically a new signing, but name the 17-year-old who started his first league game for Southampton against Manchester City.
14) Where did new Stoke winger Michael Kightly spend a spell on loan last season?
15) Which Aston Villa manager signed Carlos Cuellar?
16) From which club did Swansea sign Michu?
17) Who was the only debutant to start for Spurs at Newcastle?
18) Who did West Brom new-boy Claudio Yacob play for last season?
Racing Club in Argentina
19) In what year did Jussi Jaaskelainen sign for Bolton?
20) For which team did Arouna Koné score 15 goals for last season?