If the world was full of more Gary Linekers, it would be a better place, it says here. The boys are surprisingly fond of the Queen Mum of Football. They're smitten.
Chippy arse? Aye...do you want some? Wee Gordie is never anything other than entertaining, even if he is wearing adult man¿s shorts as trousers. Especially so....
It's one of the most enjoyable days in the football TV calendar, but it can be a long haul. Enliven up the most painful, long-winded Harry Bassett monologue and numb the pain of Kenny Sansom's analysis of Arsena''s transfer policy by playing along with our drinking game. The winner gets a stomach pump and/or a dream move to QPR...
* Harry Redknapp interviewed through his car window, saying that he's got one "one or two more bits of business to tie up" - drink one finger.
* Bewildered Harry realises he isn't actually managing a club at the moment and stares blinking at the screen briefly unable to tell if he's actually in an advert or in real life - two fingers.
* Harry thinks he might as well press on regardless and signs "a couple of Nigerians, a Bosnian and a magic little feller from Peru" to keep in his sitting room - finish drink.
* We cut to reporter 'Keith Ratt outside the Christopher Park training ground with news of a potentially massive signing for Wigan' - one finger. Double this if the camera cuts back to the studio a fraction too slowly and captures Ratt punching a bewildered tramp in the face.
* Every time Jim White appears with a Rambo-style bandana on his head, an over-sized biro clenched between his teeth shouting "Arsenal have signed a small Frenchman!!" drink one bottle of Chateauneuf Du Pape.
* Pick a shade of pink from the latest Dulux catalogue. The one that nearest matches Jim White's face at the end of the night wins their choice of hallucinogenic narcotic.
* Every time you can actually identify the ex-pro from the 80s who is dragged onto TV to talk about the new Bosnian that Norwich have signed, despite him not being able to pronounce any non-English names at all, inject 100ml of finest quality meths into a favourite vein.
* Pick a time in the evening when Mark Hughes will be interviewed and will first mention the word 'ambition'. Three fingers of brandy for the closest.
* This is a night for top, top punditry. Drink one finger for every split infinitive and one for every correctly placed verb.
* Anytime anyone says "we don't know much about him" when said player is already a well-known international footballer - snort one spoonful of Windolene.
* Any mention of a player being on someone's 'radar'. One drink
* Any speculation that a team still needs 'one or two players'. One drink.
* Take two drinks every time a Spirit Of Shankly supporter is interviewed about Liverpool's signings and uses the words 'disgrace'.
* Every time you spot a manager declaring himself 'happy with my squad' but with a look in his eyes that suggests he has just peered into hell. Two fingers.
* At the start of the night, pick the name of any famous footballer at random and wait to see how long it is before he's linked with Tottenham. The first to be mentioned takes a champagne enema as a reward.
* Celebrity fans. If there is an interview about a new signing with someone off of some godawful show that you don't watch because you know it's for morons, about the team that they 'support' (usually Manchester United) despite not knowing the name of any footballer apart from David Beckham, apply a carrier bag to your head. Let the blackness come.
* Interviews with fans are always fun because 1) fans who are hanging around a football ground are usually blank-eyed smeggers who have no life but 2) they think they're brilliant, however, 3) they are totally incoherent and 4) they haven't a clue what is happening but can be goaded into breaking into a 'four legs good, two legs bad' style chant very easily. Drink three fingers every time a reporter finds an intelligent, sentient member of the human race.
* Keith Ratt stands forlornly, alone, a tear dripping down his cheek as he reports, "Exciting news, Jim. We're not too sure who the signing will be, but it's going to be huge" - drink one finger every time this happens, maximum 12 fingers.
* QPR's project to sign enough players to turn them into a crack 2007 outfit continues with the capture of Mario Melchiot and Harry Kewell - drink two fingers, stick on an Avril Lavigne record.
* Gaggle of neds drinking three litre bottles of vodka-laced IrnBru gather outside any Scottish ground to pull faces behind reporter's back - one finger.
* Gaggle of neds inevitably making obscene gestures in shot - two fingers.
* Reporter snaps and attacks neds - three fingers.
* Correctly predict the exact time that Jim White will spontaneously combust after hearing some 'literally incredible news about Michael Owen' and win a lie down in a dark room with a damp copy of a 1985 Shoot magazine over your eyes.
John Nicholson and Alan Tyers
Alan has ghost-written a book for Premier League legend Ronnie Matthews. It is called 'I Kick Therefore I Am' and you can check it out here.