He's there for the good vibes rather than the insight. Ian Wright might not know exactly what it is that he means, but he means it. And he looks very dapper while he does...
Are you called Robert? Well, you're going to love this quiz. Even if you're not called Robert, you probably know someone who is, so just enjoy it...
Step right up, ladies and gentlemen! Step right up!
Are you happy? Or do you labour through life, struggling with your disappointment in the pedestrian world around you? Are you optimistic? Or do you despair that things can only get worse, that you won't get what you give, that it's getting worse all the time? Do you have hope for the future? Or are you scared that this nation is stuck in a rut, doomed to repeat the same old struggles and retread the same old failures until we all drift into forever?
My friends, I am here to bring you the good news. Not only do all your problems have a solution, but that the solution is here now, it is ready now, and it is available now at a perfectly reasonable price exclusive to you today. It is free-range and ethically sourced. It is fair-trade and sustainable. It is 110% organic. No animals, vegetables, or minerals were harmed in its manufacture, and it does not require fossil fuels, special training, complicated installation or feeding. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the new, improved TOM CLEVERLEY 23®!
Based on a traditional homemade recipe handed down through the generations, TC23® is unlike anything else you have ever experienced. It is unlike anything that anyone has ever experienced. You'll have tried the alternatives, of course. You'll have heard of its rivals; the SG4, the FL8, the MC16. You'll have been promised myriad moons on multiple sticks, and you'll have been lied to, over and over again. Hope, then frustration, then disappointment heaped upon disappointment. But it is time to say: No longer! It is time to say: We can change! It is time to embrace TC23®!
Let me explain to you what TC23® does. TC23® represents a quantum leap in innovation, a revolutionary breakthrough that achieves user-friendly, groundbreaking productivity and enables unparalleled engagement and synergy with the stakeholder ecosystem. Full cloud integration comes as standard, along with a next-gen customer-centric exit strategy that allows you, and your friends and family, to really hit the ground running. Storied iconography allied to solution-driven repurposing provides assurances that the individual retains primacy, while representing a paradigm shift in delivery.
And that's a guarantee!
Need a lock picking? You need TC23®. Got a door wants unhinging? TC23® is here for you. Beset by a nagging sense that something central is missing, something gaping and obvious that you've inexplicably neglected? Reach for TC23®. It strengthens. It recycles. It reinforces, deinforces and preinforces. It sticks together, and it prises apart. It gives you options. It is the answer to the question you didn't know needed asking, and it is the question to which the answer was in front of you all along.
I can see what you're thinking, young man, and I can tell you this. One dab behind the ears and she'll be yours.
Let me read you some letters, all sent by satisfied customers. A man from Leicester: "Two drops of TC23® and my lumbago was gone!" A woman from Watford: "If it wasn't for TOM CLEVERLEY 23®, I would be completely unable to understand Tom Waits lyrics." Here, try this one. A man from Catalonia: "I owe my entire career to TC23®!" Or this - my personal favourite - a man from Burma writes: "I was blind! Now I can see! All thanks to TC23®!"
Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that I am just trying to sell you a product here. You're thinking 'I've heard this before'. But nothing could be further from the truth. TC23® is not just a brand. It is not just a solution. It is an opportunity. It is an adventure. It is the shining path to the glittering future, a future than can be yours at this so-reasonable-it's-nonsensical price. This is your chance, ladies and gentlemen, to be part of a better world. A fresh destiny, unfettered by the choking, leaden weight of the past. You, and TC23®, together. Forever.
Yes, sir! A case to the man at the back tapping his watch! Thank you! And one - no, two! - to the man rubbing his face. Thank you kindly, sir, thank you kindly. Yes madam! Step right up. Step right up ...
For more information on Tom Cleverley; The Brand, have a look at this and you'll see what we mean.
Andi also writes for SB Nation and The FCF, and is on Twitter. He also contributed to the Surreal Football Magazine #1, which is out now, and available here.