The boys try and take a look at Alan Irvine's appearances on TV but keep dropping off. Never before has a man been too dull to even use cliches. It's not good...
So what is being said between Ashley Cole and the Duke of Cambridge? And be sensible - libellous suggestions will not be published and will simply waste everyone's time.
Post your selections below those lovely red links or send them to firstname.lastname@example.org with 'King v Cole' in the subject line and we'll post the best on this page. Here goes...
* King W: "Don't you hate it when the press creates a huge storm from a pair of tits?" (Andrew Fryer).
* Ashley: "Yes, your Highness...but I never said you were a t**t" (Paul Carbanaro).
* "You left the duchess in the car? No, it's okay, JT doesn't play for us any more." (Dominic Smith).
* Cole : "Your wife got proper fit tits, init? I seen the pics. Top bantz man" (John Goy).
* Cashley: "Don't worry about it ,Wills; it was just a #BUNCHOFTITS" (Zak McNally).
* William: "I've worn my Army issue body armour; I was told you are quite the lethal shot at the training ground."
Ashley: "bantz 'n' lolz #seenpicturesofyourwife" (James Cooke).
* 'Let the Crown, see the Clown' (Eoin Groarke)
* King W: "I hear your a bit of a Twit, oh sorry on Twitter" (Tom Peterson).
* William: "I say, old bean, why don't you just challenge that Bernstein cad to a duel. I've heard you're a top marksman" (Alan Dunne).
* "Ok, it's a bet: I say even with your military training I'm a better shot with an air rifle" (Kevin G).
* "Daddy said I was only going to inherit £55m, I nearly crashed the Aston in to a lampost!" (Spence, Gooner)
* "Not the first time you've got into trouble over a bunch of tw*ts, is it Ashley?" (Alex Rapley)
* "Tell John not to worry, my grandad's a racist too and it's never done him any harm" (Dan Watkinson).