He would report all-out nuclear war and a Victor Moses loan deal with the same degree of hyperbole. Our man Johnny is still recovering from TDD...
So what is being said between Ashley Cole and the Duke of Cambridge? And be sensible - libellous suggestions will not be published and will simply waste everyone's time.
Post your selections below those lovely red links or send them to firstname.lastname@example.org with 'King v Cole' in the subject line and we'll post the best on this page. Here goes...
* King W: "Don't you hate it when the press creates a huge storm from a pair of tits?" (Andrew Fryer).
* Ashley: "Yes, your Highness...but I never said you were a t**t" (Paul Carbanaro).
* "You left the duchess in the car? No, it's okay, JT doesn't play for us any more." (Dominic Smith).
* Cole : "Your wife got proper fit tits, init? I seen the pics. Top bantz man" (John Goy).
* Cashley: "Don't worry about it ,Wills; it was just a #BUNCHOFTITS" (Zak McNally).
* William: "I've worn my Army issue body armour; I was told you are quite the lethal shot at the training ground."
Ashley: "bantz 'n' lolz #seenpicturesofyourwife" (James Cooke).
* 'Let the Crown, see the Clown' (Eoin Groarke)
* King W: "I hear your a bit of a Twit, oh sorry on Twitter" (Tom Peterson).
* William: "I say, old bean, why don't you just challenge that Bernstein cad to a duel. I've heard you're a top marksman" (Alan Dunne).
* "Ok, it's a bet: I say even with your military training I'm a better shot with an air rifle" (Kevin G).
* "Daddy said I was only going to inherit £55m, I nearly crashed the Aston in to a lampost!" (Spence, Gooner)
* "Not the first time you've got into trouble over a bunch of tw*ts, is it Ashley?" (Alex Rapley)
* "Tell John not to worry, my grandad's a racist too and it's never done him any harm" (Dan Watkinson).