He would report all-out nuclear war and a Victor Moses loan deal with the same degree of hyperbole. Our man Johnny is still recovering from TDD...
1) File under 'that went well' - who wore Arsenal's No. 9 shirt last season?
2) Which English striker - now playing for a struggling Championship side - scored a massive five goals in three seasons of wearing Aston Villa's No. 9 shirt between 2007 and 2010?
3) Andy Dow, Michael Duberry, Neil Clement, Laurent Charvet, John Terry. What's the number?
4) The last three wearers of the Everton No. 18 shirt have over 200 England caps between them. Name two of those three players.
5) Which Portuguese striker wore the No. 9 shirt for Fulham last season?
6) Who are the last three wearers of Liverpool's famous No. 7 shirt?
7) What number is on the back of Mario Balotelli?
8) Which two Man United players were promoted to the No. 2 and No. 7 shirts this summer?
9) Name two of the three players who followed Alan Shearer in Newcastle's No. 9 shirt?
10) Name two of the three holders of the Norwich No. 1 shirt in the Premier League.
11) Only one of the 1-11 QPR shirts is being worn by the same player 12 months on. So who is the steadfast No. 4?
12) Which Reading shirt is being worn by the same player this season as during their PL stint of 2006-2008?
13) Which shirt did Matt Le Tissier wear for Southampton?
14) Who was given Stoke's No. 7 shirt this summer but has since been sent on loan?
15) Who wore his beloved No. 3 shirt for Sunderland for three games at the start of last season?
16) Which players wear the No. 9 and No. 10 shirts for Swansea?
17) Which Tottenham player took the now-empty No. 9 shirt from Dimitar Berbatov?
18) West Brom's No. 10 shirt wearer is Yassine El Ghanassy. For which country has he played?
19) What was the name of the Brazilian who wore the West Ham No. 9 shirt before Carlton Cole?
20) Three Wigan players have worn the No. 9 shirt between Emile Heskey and Franco di Santo. Name any of those players.
Come this way to check out the answers.