With the contemptuous sneer of a parent finding his teenage child has been sick in a wardrobe after an illicit drinking session, Johnny and Al present Neil Warnock...
The season is only three games old but Diego Costa has already proved he can fill the void in Chelsea's attack. Jose Mourinho will have to hope his hamstrings hold up...
* Per Mertesacker has the best pass completion rate in the Premier League at 92.8%. He wasted just three passes v West Brom on Saturday.
* Barring the penalty, Santi Cazorla did not create a single chance or reach a teammate with seven attempted crosses v the Baggies.
* Mikel Arteta committed six of Arsenal's 13 fouls v West Brom
* Villa are unbeaten in four PL games for the first time since September 2011.
* Villa have scored the fewest goals (12) in the PL this season.
* Villa's three centre-halves attempted a massive 44 clearances v Stoke on Saturday. They were successful with 24.
* Fernando Torres has hit the target 16 times in five games under Rafa Benitez. He hit the target just 20 times in the previous 19 games under Roberto Di Matteo.
* Eden Hazard registered a PL assist v Sunderland for the first time since October v Spurs.
* Ramires has made more tackles per game (3.1) this season than John Obi Mikel (2.6).
* Nikica Jelavic's 90th-minute winner v Spurs was his first and only shot of the game. Apostolos Vellios' assist for that goal was his only completed pass of the game.
* More crosses were attempted by Everton full-backs Leighton Baines and Seamus Coleman (13) than the rest of the team put together (12) v Tottenham.
* The scorers of the first goal have gone on to win the game only six times in 16 Everton games this season.
* Fulham have not lost a PL game in which they were leading at half-time since April 2010.
* Steve Sidwell has made 24 tackles in Fulham's last three PL games v Chelsea, Tottenham and Newcastle.
* Chris Baird has made more interceptions per game (3.8) than any other PL player this season.
* All five of Liverpool's wins this season have come against teams currently in the bottom half of the PL table.
* The Reds have recorded back-to-back PL wins for the first time since December 2011.
* Makeshift striker Jonjo Shelvey has had 21 shots this season without scoring a PL goal.
* In the last four PL games started by Mario Balotelli and Sergio Aguero in tandem, no goals have been scored until one of the pair has been substituted.
* Carlos Tévez had more shots in 38 minutes (5) than any other City player v Manchester United.
* Gaël Clichy made six tackles and six interceptions v United on Sunday.
* No PL players have scored or assisted more goals than either Robin van Persie (15) or Wayne Rooney (13) this season.
* United scored with all three of their shots on target v City on Sunday.
* Rooney has followed Alan Shearer, Andy Cole, Robbie Fowler, Thierry Henry and Frank Lampard past the 150-goal mark in the Premier League.
* Newcastle United
* Newcastle have failed to win any of the last 61 PL games in which they have been trailing at half-time.
* They were out-tackled 25-19 by Fulham with midfield pair Cheik Tioté and Vurnon Anita making only two tackles each.
* Papiss Cisse has had just three shots on target in his last six PL games.
* Only Manchester United (21) have picked up more points than Norwich (16) over the last eight games.
* Robert Snodgrass became the first PL player to record two or more assists and a goal in one game this season when Norwich beat Swansea 4-3 on Saturday.
* Only Stoke and Reading have recorded lower average possession than Norwich (42.5%) this season. They had only 33% possession at Swansea on Saturday but still won 4-3.
* QPR have now gone 22 away games in the Premier League without a win.
* Esteban Granero attempted more crosses (5) in his 13 minutes on the pitch than any other QPR player throughout the game.
* Adel Taarabt was dispossessed six times v Wigan on Saturday.
* Reading have the lowest possession (40.7%) and pass accurarcy (68.9%) stats in the Premier League.
* Adam Le Fondre completed four passes in 90 minutes v Southampton on Saturday.
* If games ended after 45 minutes, Reading would be sitting pretty in tenth place - just a point behind Arsenal.
* Luke Shaw made six tackles, six interceptions and six effective clearances v Reading on Saturday.
* Saints have conceded just four goals in six PL games started by Shaw.
* They have picked up 14 points from eight games against bottom-half sides this season. That's a better record than Arsenal, Swansea and Everton.
* Stoke City
* Stoke have played 168 PL games. They have scored 168 goals.
* They had only two shots v Aston Villa on Saturday and neither was on target.
* Only three established outfield players in the PL (Carlton Cole, Steve Morison and Noel Hunt) have a worse pass completion rate than Peter Crouch (59.3%).
* Sunderland have won two of their last 23 Premier League games.
* James McClean attempted 12 crosses v Chelsea but none reached a Sunderland player.
* Sunderland were out-tackled 26-20 by Chelsea on Saturday.
* Michu is now out in front in the Golden Boot charts with 12 PL goals. He has taken only 48 shots.
* Ki Sung-Yueng has taken more shots (24) than any other PL player this season without scoring a goal.
* Swansea have scored only seven of their 26 goals in the firs halves of PL games this season.
* Tottenham have thrown away a massive 16 points from winning positions this season. Those points would put them top of the table.
* Emmanuel Adebayor was dispossessed seven times v Everton and did not have a single shot.
* Gylfi Sigurdsson has now had 23 shots in the PL for Tottenham without scoring a goal.
* The Baggies have picked up only one point (v Tottenham) from a losing position this season.
* They have lost three PL games in a row for the first time since January.
* Their first and only shot on target against Arsenal came in the 86th minute.
* Mark Noble has created more chances (25) than any other PL player without being credited with an assist this season. He also made a massive seven tackles v Liverpool.
* Matthew Jarvis attempted more crosses (16) than passes (11) in 90 minutes v Liverpool on Sunday.
* The Hammers have picked up just five points from a possible 24 against top-half sides this season.
* Wigan's James McCarthy has a better pass completion rate (89%) than either Mousa Dembélé (88.9%) or Michael Carrick (88.7%) this season. He found a teammate with nine of his ten long passes v QPR as well as scoring two goals.
* Jean Beausejour puts in more accurate crosses per game (1.8) than Gareth Bale (1.6) or Luis Antonio Valencia (1.4). He recorded his third assist of the season v QPR.
* Arouna Koné has not scored in his last five PL games. He was dispossessed five times v QPR on Saturday.