With the contemptuous sneer of a parent finding his teenage child has been sick in a wardrobe after an illicit drinking session, Johnny and Al present Neil Warnock...
The season is only three games old but Diego Costa has already proved he can fill the void in Chelsea's attack. Jose Mourinho will have to hope his hamstrings hold up...
* Arsenal had more shots on target (13) v Reading than any other team in any other PL game this season. Theo Walcott and Santi Cazorla registered four each.
* Cazorla also created six chances v Reading. David Silva (3) is the only midfielder to create more chances per game than Cazorla (2.8) in the PL this season.
* Cazorla dribbled past seven Reading players on Monday night - taking him past Raheem Sterling (39) for total number of successful dribbles this season. Cazorla has registered 45 - with only Hatem Ben Arfa and Luis Suarez more prolific dribblers.
* Christian Benteke has scored or assisted eight of Aston Villa's 15 PL goals this season. He produced three shots on target and four 'key passes' v Liverpool on Saturday.
* Villa took 18 touches to score their second goal v Liverpool with Benteke's backheel No. 17.
* Chris Herd completed just two passes in 90 minutes but made five tackles and six effective clearances v Liverpool.
* Marouane Fellaini has committed more fouls (44) this season than any other PL player.
* Fellaini lost the ball through poor control seven times and failed to have a single shot v Stoke.
* The Toffees have picked up more points per game against top-half opposition (1.62) than bottom-half opposition (1.55) this season.
* Fulham have won just 31 PL away games in 218 attempts since being promoted in 2001.
* Fulham scored 16 goals in seven PL games started by Bryan Ruiz this season. They have scored just three goals in five games since he got injured in mid-November.
* Serial sub Mladen Petric has scored a PL goal every 113 minutes of PL football this season.
* Liverpool have not won three consecutive PL games since April/May 2011.
* No PL player has taken more shots than Jonjo Shelvey (24) without scoring a goal this season.
* Luis Suarez has not scored with any of his 28 shots in his last five games in all competitions.
* Manchester City have won all 13 PL games started by Sergio Aguero and Carlos Tevez.
* David Silva made eight chances for City v Newcastle on Saturday - more than any other PL player this weekend.
* Pablo Zabaleta has won 61.26% of his ground battles this season - more than any other PL player. He attempted a massive 12 tackles v Newcastle on Saturday and won nine.
* No PL players have scored or assisted more goals than either Robin van Persie (17) or Wayne Rooney (14) this season.
* United have won the last eight PL games started by Michael Carrick and Tom Cleverley.
* United have exactly the same points total (42) as the same stage last season but have conceded ten more goals.
* Newcastle United
* Newcastle have failed to win any of the last 62 PL games in which they have been trailing at half-time.
* Demba Ba has scored 11 PL goals this season without registering a single assist. No other player has scored more than three goals without creating at least one goal.
* Michael Williamson won 14 aerial duels v Man City. He has averaged 6.6 per game this season - higher than any other PL defender.
* Only Manchester United (21) have picked up more points than Norwich (18) over the last eight games.
* Robert Snodgrass made eight tackles and five interceptions v Wigan on Saturday as well as creating three chances.
* The Canaries make 41% of their attacks down the right - a higher proportion than any other PL side.
* Djibril Cissé and Adel Taarabt took 15 of QPR's 20 shots v Fulham on Saturday.
* Taarabt completed five successful dribbles v Fulham.
* QPR centre-halves Clint Hill and Ryan Nelsen were successful with 14 of their 22 attempted clearances v Fulham.
* Reading have faced more shots at goal this season (313) than any other team in Europe's big five leagues.
* Keeper Adam Federici found a teammate with just three passes in 90 minutes v Arsenal.
* Adam Le Fondre has scored a goal every 173 minutes of PL football this season. Fernando Torres has scored a goal every 229 minutes.
* Stoke City
* Stoke are unbeaten in 15 PL games at the Britannia Stadium.
* Kenwyne Jones scored v Everton after 27 PL appearances without a goal.
* Jones recorded a 40% pass completion rate v Everton - with just eight passes completed in 77 minutes.
* Sunderland have won just one of their last 16 PL away games.
* Stephane Sessgnon recorded his first PL assist since march in Sunderland's 3-1 defeat at Old Trafford.
* Fraizer Campbell has not played in a win for Sunderland in the Premier League since March v QPR.
* Swansea have allowed the opposition the most shots in three single games this season v Newcastle (32), Everton (31) and now Tottenham (29).
* Swansea have scored in only four of their 17 first halves of PL football this season.
* They did not manage a single shot on target at Tottenham on Sunday.
* Tottenham took a massive 29 shots v Swansea on Sunday. They have taken more shots this season (287) than Manchester United (266).
* Jermain Defoe lost possession through a poor first touch on nine occasions v Swansea - the most of any player in any game this PL season.
* Spurs made more interceptions (39) v Swansea than any team in any PL game since 2009/10. Kyle Walker made seven interceptions as well as creating six chances for his teammates.
* The Baggies have played 315 PL minutes without a goal.
* They have drawn a blank in three consecutive games for the first time since January 2012.
* James Morrison had five shots without hitting the target v West Ham. He has not hit the target in his last five PL games.
* Mark Noble has created more chances (28) than any other PL player without being credited with an assist this season. He created three chances v West Brom.
* West Ham's pass completion rate v West Brom (65.9%) was their lowest of the season. Carlton Cole's contribution was a woeful 33%.
* They have scored just six goals in nine games against clubs currently in the top half of the table.
* Arouna Koné has not scored in his last six PL games. None of his three shots hit the target v Norwich on Saturday.
* Jean Beausejour puts in more accurate crosses per game (1.9) than Gareth Bale (1.6) or Luis Antonio Valencia (1.3).
* The Latics are just one point better off (15) than the same stage last season (14).