Goldfish, & The Transient Nature Of Footballers

Gareth Parker was seven when his goldfish died, & he was upset. However, as a grown man, he's just mature enough to realise football teams are transient, & you should get over it...

Last Updated: 20/12/12 at 08:45 Post Comment

Latest Articles

Premier League Numbers And Stats

6 comments

Demba Ba scores goals at a better rate than the league's best, whilst Liverpool score in halves galore and why you are always guaranteed goals when City are in town...

Eye On The Experts: John Motson

37 comments

For many people John Motson is quite simply the voice of the game. He's been doing his commentary gig since 1971 and long may it continue, say Johnny and Al...

All Articles

The following is an extract from the new e-book from the good people at Surreal Football, which you can buy here or from Amazon here. It features contributions from F365's very own Nick Miller and Andi Thomas, as well as The Guardian's Rob Smyth, Callum Hamilton, Ethan Dean-Richards and Alexander Netherton. Enjoy...


My name is Gareth Parker. And this is my goldfish.

Part one
When I was seven years old my favourite goldfish died. His name was Tom. Tom's timing couldn't have been any worse, for his floating fishy corpse was discovered on the morning of an assembly where we were to bring our pets in to show the rest of the school. I was inconsolable.

My father said that he had only ever seen me this upset once before, when he had to drag a hysterical me from a cinema screening of Ghostbusters. Apparently my screams were guttural. As a matter of interest, this cinematic hysteria had not been brought on by fear of the supernatural; more my personal pain at the social autism of Rick Moranis' character. That sh*t was tragic.

Although I struggled to see this through my streaming tears, there was an obvious solution to my peer presentation problem. It came in the shape of my other goldfish, a pitiful specimen called Jerry (I was seven, get to f*ck). After much cajoling, my parents convinced me to substitute the late Tom for the less-than-impressive Jerry, so I sloshed him into a jar and trudged wearily to school. I composed myself as Rachel Altman blithered on about her sh*tty little kitten and Andrew Lavery rabbited on about his creepy-looking bunny. What then followed was a lesson in innocence loss as seven-year-old me screamed a pained soliloquy about death at my bemused schoolmates. It wasn't until Mrs Drazil ('Lizard' spelt backwards, just never gets tired) led me off stage and back to my classroom that some order was restored.

Time went on and I grew more and more attached to Jerry. In fact, it got to a point where I really loved that little orange c*nt. Then he died too.


Part two
When I was eight I really wanted a Soda-Stream. Almost as much as I wanted a Millennium Falcon. My best friend Nick Lowe had both. We once made champagne with a bottle of Blue Nun and drunk it with our plastic Star Wars figures. Good times. But my parents never bought either, and so I was left to stare wistfully as Mrs Lowe whizzed up yet another luminous fizzy delight. I also bitterly, and more than a little intentionally, broke Nick's Falcon. I've never admitted to this before.

Sorry Nick.

I am now 35 and this year, sixteen years after I left my parental home, I decided to buy a Soda-Stream. It was sh*t.


Conclusion
Last time I wrote for Surreal I was asked to write a season preview for my club Arsenal. I told an interwoven tale of my Grandfather's death and my first ever session of self -pleasure. The latter taking place in a hotel in Darlington. I finished my piece with the line "There are many parallels between this story and the state of Arsenal going into next season, but I'm not going to patronise you by drawing them."

Turns out I did, and this is symptomatic of the problem.

Football fans are, almost without exception, idiots. Idiots who have not learnt the simple life lessons often so harshly taught them in childhood. Even Pavlov's f*cking dog got to grips with the whole conditioning thing. Coincidentally, Jason McAteer's entire playing career was built around a simple 'bell and reward' approach.

Fans, despite frequent warnings, become very attached to certain players who wear the crest of their club. Unfortunately these players do not share the fan's love for this badge. Yes, even the ones that make a big show of kissing it. I am not denying that they are disappointed when they lose, after all, they are professional sportspeople whose natural desire is to win, but their pain is personal, selfish even. Put simply, modern footballers are transient. They care little for us and will move on in a heartbeat.

Getting the name of your favourite player on a replica strip should be reserved for pre-pubescents who still need to learn important lessons about life, loss and despair. Plus there's something creepy about a paunchy middle-aged man wearing an ill-fitting shirt with the name of his teenage idol across the shoulders. Having said that, I would go through Jack Wilshere like a train, and there is something undeniably arousing about Olivier Giroud. You've all seen that GIF, right?

The second story's motto is that certain things don't come with a lifetime satisfaction guarantee. One of these is a Soda-Stream. Another is your football team.

When I look around me at games, I see countless faces twisted and contorted into shapes of rage and hatred as they rain expletive-strewn epithets down onto their false idols. This sense of apoplexy is more diluted at home games, drowning in a sea of contemplative apathy, but the fact remains that these expressions are more suited to those of a spoilt child who has broken their favourite toy (get over it, Nick), than a grown adult watching and supporting their football team.

Football fans should learn important life lessons in their early years. They should realise that, just like my goldfish, the good times won't last forever. And just like a Soda-Stream*, your team will not always provide you with satisfaction.

But they don't. They are like children. Ignorant, spoilt, whiny little children. To paraphrase my dear old Gran: things die, get over it and be grateful for what you have, you miserable little pricks. (Just be glad I've not quoted one of her racist ones).

* A Soda-Stream machine is also a pertinent analogy when looking at the modern issue of instant gratification. But that would've involved another story from my youth, and I've already opened that particular window wide enough. Plus I promised not to talk about w*nking this time.

Gareth Parker - you can follow him on Twitter here.

The Surreal Football Magazine #2: Die Harder, is out now. You can find out how to purchase it directly here. or from Amazon here.

Football365 Facebook Fan Page

The Football365 fan page is a great place to meet like minded people, have football related discussions and make new friends.

Sky Bet

    • Retrieving latest Sky Bet odds

Most Commented

Readers' Comments

H

e was right to leave, but not just because of the money City were coming into. If I remember rightly he had a reasonable amount of chances to shine at City, but he never passed the bloody ball. Loads of aimless dribbles and 40 yard shots and not much else. I would say that if he had learnt to be a bit more of a team player he may have done better at City.

bright and edgy
Sturridge: Right to leave City

O

h! And.... has it gone in!?' Well John, it is quite literally your job to tell me, so stop phrasing it as a question.

ajsr1982
Eye On The Experts: John Motson

M

an who resembles bond villain complains about spies ....brillliant

mrjackson
Palace deny spying accusation

Latest Photos

Footer 365

Transfer news: Damien Duff already planning for life after Fulham

Damien Duff has confirmed that he will be leaving Fulham this summer and will be going in search of 'something new'.

Premier League: Harry Kane feels youngsters are crucial to Tottenham's cause

Harry Kane believes he and a number of fellow academy graduates are capable of holding down regular roles at Tottenham.

Agent denies Kroos interest

Toni Kroos' agent Volker Struth has denied Manchester United have made an offer for his client, insisting the 24-year-old will stay at Bayern.

Mail Box

Will Liverpool Cope With Parked Buses?

That's the real problem they're going to face next year, says one Man United fan who's already looking forward to the end of this campaign. Plus, thoughts on neutrality...

Worried Liverpool Will Become A Selling Club

Liverpool fans in the mailbox are not too worried about sour grapes from United supporters, but one admits he's scared the Reds could end up selling their best players...

© 2014 British Sky Broadcasting Ltd. All Rights Reserved A Sky Sports Digital Media property