Goldfish, & The Transient Nature Of Footballers

Gareth Parker was seven when his goldfish died, & he was upset. However, as a grown man, he's just mature enough to realise football teams are transient, & you should get over it...

Last Updated: 20/12/12 at 08:45 Post Comment

Latest Articles

Johnny And Al's Football (And A Bit Of Cricket) On TV

Post comment

As you may have noticed it's the summer, which means that Johnny and Al are interested to see how different football and cricket punditry differ. Football has a lot to learn...

Assessing This Summer's Lesser Known Signings

Post comment

You may know it all about Fabregas, Lallana and the like, but other signings may have slipped under the radar. WhoScored run their eyes over those recruited from abroad...

All Articles

The following is an extract from the new e-book from the good people at Surreal Football, which you can buy here or from Amazon here. It features contributions from F365's very own Nick Miller and Andi Thomas, as well as The Guardian's Rob Smyth, Callum Hamilton, Ethan Dean-Richards and Alexander Netherton. Enjoy...


My name is Gareth Parker. And this is my goldfish.

Part one
When I was seven years old my favourite goldfish died. His name was Tom. Tom's timing couldn't have been any worse, for his floating fishy corpse was discovered on the morning of an assembly where we were to bring our pets in to show the rest of the school. I was inconsolable.

My father said that he had only ever seen me this upset once before, when he had to drag a hysterical me from a cinema screening of Ghostbusters. Apparently my screams were guttural. As a matter of interest, this cinematic hysteria had not been brought on by fear of the supernatural; more my personal pain at the social autism of Rick Moranis' character. That sh*t was tragic.

Although I struggled to see this through my streaming tears, there was an obvious solution to my peer presentation problem. It came in the shape of my other goldfish, a pitiful specimen called Jerry (I was seven, get to f*ck). After much cajoling, my parents convinced me to substitute the late Tom for the less-than-impressive Jerry, so I sloshed him into a jar and trudged wearily to school. I composed myself as Rachel Altman blithered on about her sh*tty little kitten and Andrew Lavery rabbited on about his creepy-looking bunny. What then followed was a lesson in innocence loss as seven-year-old me screamed a pained soliloquy about death at my bemused schoolmates. It wasn't until Mrs Drazil ('Lizard' spelt backwards, just never gets tired) led me off stage and back to my classroom that some order was restored.

Time went on and I grew more and more attached to Jerry. In fact, it got to a point where I really loved that little orange c*nt. Then he died too.


Part two
When I was eight I really wanted a Soda-Stream. Almost as much as I wanted a Millennium Falcon. My best friend Nick Lowe had both. We once made champagne with a bottle of Blue Nun and drunk it with our plastic Star Wars figures. Good times. But my parents never bought either, and so I was left to stare wistfully as Mrs Lowe whizzed up yet another luminous fizzy delight. I also bitterly, and more than a little intentionally, broke Nick's Falcon. I've never admitted to this before.

Sorry Nick.

I am now 35 and this year, sixteen years after I left my parental home, I decided to buy a Soda-Stream. It was sh*t.


Conclusion
Last time I wrote for Surreal I was asked to write a season preview for my club Arsenal. I told an interwoven tale of my Grandfather's death and my first ever session of self -pleasure. The latter taking place in a hotel in Darlington. I finished my piece with the line "There are many parallels between this story and the state of Arsenal going into next season, but I'm not going to patronise you by drawing them."

Turns out I did, and this is symptomatic of the problem.

Football fans are, almost without exception, idiots. Idiots who have not learnt the simple life lessons often so harshly taught them in childhood. Even Pavlov's f*cking dog got to grips with the whole conditioning thing. Coincidentally, Jason McAteer's entire playing career was built around a simple 'bell and reward' approach.

Fans, despite frequent warnings, become very attached to certain players who wear the crest of their club. Unfortunately these players do not share the fan's love for this badge. Yes, even the ones that make a big show of kissing it. I am not denying that they are disappointed when they lose, after all, they are professional sportspeople whose natural desire is to win, but their pain is personal, selfish even. Put simply, modern footballers are transient. They care little for us and will move on in a heartbeat.

Getting the name of your favourite player on a replica strip should be reserved for pre-pubescents who still need to learn important lessons about life, loss and despair. Plus there's something creepy about a paunchy middle-aged man wearing an ill-fitting shirt with the name of his teenage idol across the shoulders. Having said that, I would go through Jack Wilshere like a train, and there is something undeniably arousing about Olivier Giroud. You've all seen that GIF, right?

The second story's motto is that certain things don't come with a lifetime satisfaction guarantee. One of these is a Soda-Stream. Another is your football team.

When I look around me at games, I see countless faces twisted and contorted into shapes of rage and hatred as they rain expletive-strewn epithets down onto their false idols. This sense of apoplexy is more diluted at home games, drowning in a sea of contemplative apathy, but the fact remains that these expressions are more suited to those of a spoilt child who has broken their favourite toy (get over it, Nick), than a grown adult watching and supporting their football team.

Football fans should learn important life lessons in their early years. They should realise that, just like my goldfish, the good times won't last forever. And just like a Soda-Stream*, your team will not always provide you with satisfaction.

But they don't. They are like children. Ignorant, spoilt, whiny little children. To paraphrase my dear old Gran: things die, get over it and be grateful for what you have, you miserable little pricks. (Just be glad I've not quoted one of her racist ones).

* A Soda-Stream machine is also a pertinent analogy when looking at the modern issue of instant gratification. But that would've involved another story from my youth, and I've already opened that particular window wide enough. Plus I promised not to talk about w*nking this time.

Gareth Parker - you can follow him on Twitter here.

The Surreal Football Magazine #2: Die Harder, is out now. You can find out how to purchase it directly here. or from Amazon here.

Football365 Facebook Fan Page

The Football365 fan page is a great place to meet like minded people, have football related discussions and make new friends.

Most Commented

Readers' Comments

H

e made his power play to try and get Sheikhy to raise his wages or trade him to PSG. PSG were probably not interested and he is stuck with no cake and no vacation. @Jay_D> Surely you jest about FFP being real, right? All Platini is doing is making billionaries pay measly fines, so he and his cronies can get rich. If a fool can pay 50 mil for David Luiz, he will happily pay some fine to UEFA. FFP has failed as for it to succeed UEFA had to take it...

Synergy
Toure: I am staying with City

G

uess we can expect Toure's explanation of his behaviour around the same time Pete Townshend publishes his book then.

ceeps
Toure: I am staying with City

D

amn you Yaya, don't scare me like that! I only ate the icing. I didn't eat the soft and scrumptious middle - I will buy you another cake!

MCFC87
Toure: I am staying with City

Latest Photos

Footer 365

Premier League: Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger rues 'impossible' pre-season schedule

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has criticised his side’s hectic pre-season schedule as bordering on the impossible.

Transfer News: Hibernian capture young midfielder Scott Allan from West Brom

Hibernian have signed former Scotland Under-21 international Scott Allan from West Brom.

Premier League: West Ham's Andy Carroll to miss start of season with ankle injury

West Ham's Andy Carroll is to have surgery after suffering an ankle injury which could keep him out for four months.

Mail Box

Pre-Season Obviously Isn't Meaningless

The debate over the importance of pre-season continues, including a league table from last season for stats fans. Plus travelling to watch your team and Blackpool...

Definitely Not Getting Giddy Over A Friendly Win

We have some conclusions from Louis van Gaal's perfect start, plus a dismissal of fantasy football, worries about La Liga's greediness and thoughts on Real with Ham-ez...

© 2014 British Sky Broadcasting Ltd. All Rights Reserved A Sky Sports Digital Media property