Two must-win (and one must-not-lose) matches for English, but it is Atletico Madrid hosting Juventus that gets Daniel Storey dribbling most. That and Eboue coming home...
He's worked for Chelsea in their academy - and learned a lot from Brendan Rodgers - but a failed visa scuppered a US move and now he's Rwanda U-17s coach...
*Match Of The Day producers admit that they are searching "for more depth and gravitas in our football analysis." Alan Shearer is replaced by Tess Daly.
*The Mirror's Ollie Holt, emboldened by his successful wearing of an Alice band, appears on Sunday Supplement dressed as Judy Garland in The Wizard Of Oz.
*It is revealed Gary Lineker's tan is actually the stain smugness leaves on your skin.
*The Government hires Gary Neville to tell them what they're doing wrong by using a massive iPad. Gary tells them. Everything gets better immediately, although there is some unpleasantness when Gary insists instead of a fee that "our Philip is made Home Secretary".
*Fleet Street declares Harry Redknapp to be a living god and begins a collective campaign to have a statue of him leaning out a car window placed in every school.
*ITV2 sign Robbie Savage for a fly-on-the-wall reality show called 'Robbie - My Life'. Peter Andre sniffs "These pointless minor celebrities are getting out of hand."
*Following news that dogs can be trained to drive cars, ITV's Champions League coverage is presented by a Bulldog called Adrian. No-one notices the difference.
*A woman is found attempting to break into a BBC studio with the aim of offering an opinion on televised men's football. Fortunately, she is chased out of the studio by ex-professionals and disaster is averted.
*The BBC discovers that administering electric shocks to pork sausages creates a more vibrant and interesting pundit than Kevin Davies.
*Alan Green leaves the BBC in order to work at Dignitas in Switzerland. "I wasn't too sure I had made the right choice coming here," says one terminally ill patient. "But after listening to the unbroken misery and pain that Alan relayed during that Southampton v Fulham match, I know that there really is no reason to carry on living."
*Graeme Souness is sacked from Sky's Champions League coverage after insisting: "Kicking players you don't like in the head should be enshrined in European Human Rights legislation."
*Jamie Redknapp bids to broaden his broadcasting career when CBBC bosses admit "our viewers found his analysis of In The Night Garden to be a bit one-dimensional'.
*Alan Hansen finally breaks his silence on Chinese history. "The Great Chinese Famine starting in the 1959-1960 season? At least 20 million dead? Terrible. Not a good system at all."
*Andy Townsend's lack of football knowledge becomes so vast it acquires its own gravitational pull.
*Roy Keane's fury at Adrian Chiles and Gareth Southgate becomes so intense it materializes in human form. The resulting human form looks exactly like Roy Keane.
*Richard Keys and Andy Gray discovered living on a council tip in Esher, conducting interviews with tramps on an abandoned Draylon sofa.
John Nicholson and Alan Tyers
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