A midweek bonus takes in master intercepticons Man United, Arsenal's wealth of scorers, Liverpool's set-piece mastery and Eric Lamela tackling but not creating...
On Friday we'll sit in front of our televisions or Twitter, glued to what is basic administration. Daniel Storey stands on his soapbox and scrooges about the World Cup draw...
*Match Of The Day producers admit that they are searching "for more depth and gravitas in our football analysis." Alan Shearer is replaced by Tess Daly.
*The Mirror's Ollie Holt, emboldened by his successful wearing of an Alice band, appears on Sunday Supplement dressed as Judy Garland in The Wizard Of Oz.
*It is revealed Gary Lineker's tan is actually the stain smugness leaves on your skin.
*The Government hires Gary Neville to tell them what they're doing wrong by using a massive iPad. Gary tells them. Everything gets better immediately, although there is some unpleasantness when Gary insists instead of a fee that "our Philip is made Home Secretary".
*Fleet Street declares Harry Redknapp to be a living god and begins a collective campaign to have a statue of him leaning out a car window placed in every school.
*ITV2 sign Robbie Savage for a fly-on-the-wall reality show called 'Robbie - My Life'. Peter Andre sniffs "These pointless minor celebrities are getting out of hand."
*Following news that dogs can be trained to drive cars, ITV's Champions League coverage is presented by a Bulldog called Adrian. No-one notices the difference.
*A woman is found attempting to break into a BBC studio with the aim of offering an opinion on televised men's football. Fortunately, she is chased out of the studio by ex-professionals and disaster is averted.
*The BBC discovers that administering electric shocks to pork sausages creates a more vibrant and interesting pundit than Kevin Davies.
*Alan Green leaves the BBC in order to work at Dignitas in Switzerland. "I wasn't too sure I had made the right choice coming here," says one terminally ill patient. "But after listening to the unbroken misery and pain that Alan relayed during that Southampton v Fulham match, I know that there really is no reason to carry on living."
*Graeme Souness is sacked from Sky's Champions League coverage after insisting: "Kicking players you don't like in the head should be enshrined in European Human Rights legislation."
*Jamie Redknapp bids to broaden his broadcasting career when CBBC bosses admit "our viewers found his analysis of In The Night Garden to be a bit one-dimensional'.
*Alan Hansen finally breaks his silence on Chinese history. "The Great Chinese Famine starting in the 1959-1960 season? At least 20 million dead? Terrible. Not a good system at all."
*Andy Townsend's lack of football knowledge becomes so vast it acquires its own gravitational pull.
*Roy Keane's fury at Adrian Chiles and Gareth Southgate becomes so intense it materializes in human form. The resulting human form looks exactly like Roy Keane.
*Richard Keys and Andy Gray discovered living on a council tip in Esher, conducting interviews with tramps on an abandoned Draylon sofa.
John Nicholson and Alan Tyers
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