He would report all-out nuclear war and a Victor Moses loan deal with the same degree of hyperbole. Our man Johnny is still recovering from TDD...
1. From which club did Manchester United sign Nemanja Vidic?
2. Which defender had taken the most shots without scoring in the Premier League this season before finding the net in his team's victory against West Ham in December?
3. Who was Jose Mourinho's first signing for Chelsea?
4. Which Newcastle defender won Ligue 1 with Montpellier last season?
5. Against which team did John Terry make his last appearance for England?
6. From which club did Southampton sign Jos Hooiveld?
7. How many English clubs has Sylvain Distin played for?
8. From which club did Arsenal sign Laurent Koscielny?
9. Which Manchester United has scored two own goals in the Premier League this season?
10. Which defender scored on his England debut against Sweden in November?
11. Name the other defender who made his England debut in that match.
12. Which Wigan defender was given a three-match suspension for spitting last season?
13. Which Spurs defender was on loan at Norwich last season?
14. Name the Liverpool defender who has 'YNWA' tattooed on his knuckles.
15. Which Premier League defender's name means 'Boy Flowers' in English?
16. How old is Manchester City defender Matija Nastasic?
17. Which Premier League defender's Twitter bio reads 'A small head for such a strong jaw line'?
18. Which Premier League defender did Gary Neville claim looked like he was being operated by a Playstation controller?
19. Which West Ham defender failed to make a single Premier League appearance during a spell at Arsenal earlier in his career?
20. Which Premier League defender allegedly leads a double life as a car salesman?
The answers are this way...