Great value on the golf course but not in the TV studio, John Nicholson and Alan Tyers wonder if Alan Shearer just serves as a source of comfort for the average viewer...
Ahead of the World Cup draw, have a quiz on England's groups of yore.
Piers Morgan is a terrible human being. Or at least I think so. He also purports to be an Arsenal fan. I too am an Arsenal fan. I am ashamed to have anything in common with him.
When Arsenal are victorious, Piers Morgan is happy, shamelessly gloating in his own inimitable way. And by inimitable I mean extraordinarily smug. The man oozes smugness like herpes-ridden genitals ooze pus. So I'm told.
Yet he equally revels in an Arsenal defeat. Such an outcome adds weight to his self-important standpoint on the club. Therefore, no matter what the outcome, Piers Morgan will both win and lose simultaneously. He exists in an uncertain quantum state, like Schrödinger's cat. I say 'cat'. The word I wanted to use, also starting with 'c' and ending with 't', was pre-emptively censored by the editor. I was told that I swear too often. Suffice to say, Piers Morgan is a cat. A f*cking massive cat.
On the nineteenth of November, 2011, he tweeted:
'No pressure @Persie_Official - but if you leave #Arsenal then I'm going to throw myself off Santa Monica pier in lead weights.'*
This made me think two things. Firstly, not only would the lack of investment, ambition and trophies be motivation enough for Robin van Persie to leave Arsenal, but now Morgan was further incentivising his inevitable departure. The second thing I thought about was how would I like to see Piers Morgan die?
It would require a certain amount of legal tweaking, not least the reinstating of capital punishment and the reclassification of certain crimes, but if he can make a career as a "journalist and television host", then anything is possible.
His execution would have to be televised. Contrary to what Gil Scott-Heron believed, I think it's safe to say that the revolution will be on the box, and this could be the start of it all. Before people complain that this idea is incredibly offensive, may I remind them that they are the self-same people who sit on their sofas and, without any form of resistance, allow Head and Shoulders to sh*t directly into their eyes with that Joe Hart monstrosity.
The obvious choice of channel to air the execution would be ITV, as it would suit their sensationalist sh*tbaggery, but I'm guessing that they probably wouldn't go for it. What with them being the UK channel that exclusively peddles his piffle. Plus with the Killing Of George Bush, a mockumentary about a fictional assassination of a real-life US president, and The Execution of Gary Glitter, a drama-documentary which vividly envisioned the trial and subsequent capital punishment of pop's second most reviled sex offender, the Channel 4 family has established itself as the home of thought-provoking celebrity death fantasies. Now they've whacked a head of state and strangled a paedo, what next? It's either Morgan or Griffin. And this time they can make it real. Of course Rick Edwards will present it.
As for the question of how? Simply Google "Brazen bull". Bingo.
Now imagine a world without Piers Morgan. Lovely, isn't it?
Now you may say that I'm a dreamer. But I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join me. And we all can kill Morgan.
I've already written the theme tune.
This started as a piece on the ignorant tribalism of football, but where's the fun in that when you can concentrate on imagining the demise of the people's perineum©? You might have already guessed this, but I despise Piers Morgan and all he stands for, and the fact that he supports the same football team as me does not make a shred of difference. If you genuinely make life choices based on the footballing allegiance of a fellow human being then you are an imbecile.
You are the sort of imbecile who refuses to wear any clothing of a particular colour, simply because it is the same hue worn by your rivals. The sort of imbecile that refuses to donate to Comic Relief because the children clamouring around a rapidly-emptying African well are bedecked in replica Chelsea shirts. The sort of imbecile who loudly proclaimed to feel less sympathy for Holly & Jessica because of their matching Manchester United strips. Unfortunately I have met all these imbeciles. They all support the same club as me.
And don't even get me started on Dappy.
*Robin van Persie left Arsenal in the summer of 2012 and signed for Manchester United. At the time of writing Piers Morgan is yet to honour his promise.
Gareth Parker - follow him on Twitter here.
This is in a extract from the third Surreal Football Magazine, featuring Gareth Parker, Rob Smyth, Andi Thomas and others. It can be purchased in all formats here.
Gareth is also the man behind "Balls to Homelessness", a series of football-themed comedy nights in aid of the Homeless FA . The next one is on Monday May 13th and has a distinctly Arsenal whiff about it with Arsenal fans Jack Whitehall, Ian Stone, Milton Jones, Rob Beckett and Tom Rosenthal heading up the bill. Piers Morgan will not be welcome. For more information, including how to buy tickets, click here