He would report all-out nuclear war and a Victor Moses loan deal with the same degree of hyperbole. Our man Johnny is still recovering from TDD...
* Arsenal have scored 40 of their 64 PL goals after the break. They have the best second-half record in the league, with just two second halves 'lost'.
* Olivier Giroud has now scored 11 PL goals from 101 attempts. Sunderland's Steven Fletcher has scored 11 goals from 55 attempts.
* Aaron Ramsey made six tackles v Norwich on Saturday. His average for the season is just 1.8 per game.
* Charles N'Zogbia became Aston Villa's fifth scorer in four PL games when he struck v Fulham on Saturday.
* They have thrown away 23 points from winning positions this season.
* Unlucky own goal scorer Fabian Delph made six tackles and five interceptions v Fulham.
* Leighton Baines is the only player in Europe's top five leagues to have created 100-plus chances. He created five chances v QPR on Saturday.
* Only three teams (Norwich, Reading and Stoke) complete fewer dribbles per game than Everton (5.1).
* Only Fulham and Newcastle attempt more long balls per game than Everton (64).
* Dimitar Berbatov has provided nine of Fulham's 15 shots on target in their last six PL games. The Cottagers did not produce a single shot on target v Villa on Saturday.
* Sascha Reither is the only other Fulham to score in their last eight PL games.
* Fulham gained only their fifth point of the season from a losing position at Villa on Saturday.
* Liverpool have had the most shots off target in the Premier League this season (261).
* They average 19.4 shots per game - the highest in the PL. They had 28 shots v Reading on Saturday.
* Luis Suarez has not scored in his last 371 PL minutes of football. He had seven shots v Reading.
* United have conceded just one first-half goal in their last 13 PL games (v Saints on January 30).
* Wayne Rooney made no tackles and just one interception but was accurate with 11 of his 13 long balls from a midfield position v Stoke on Sunday.
* Antonio Valencia did not attempt a single cross v Stoke.
* Newcastle United
* Newcastle have had a total of 47 shots in their last two PL games v Fulham and Sunderland but have scored only once.
* Sylvain Marveaux attempted a massive 16 crosses v Sunderland on Sunday. Seven found a teammate.
* Yoan Gouffran came off at half-time v Sunderland having completed just four passes.
* A Norwich striker has scored in only one of their last 17 PL games.
* Kei Kamara has taken just eight shots in eight PL appearances for Norwich. Neither him nor Grant Holt had a single shot v Arsenal on Saturday.
* Holt lost the ball with a poor touch six times v Arsenal and completed just 13 passes in 90 minutes.
* Harry Redknapp's record of 20 points from 20 games would leave them in the relegation zone if extrapolated over a whole season.
* Only Arsenal and Liverpool complete more dribbles per game than QPR (9.3).
* Adel Taarabt came off the bench v Everton and touched the ball 30 times in 27 minutes. Loic Remy touched the ball 31 times in 90 minutes. They both had three shots.
* Danny Guthrie has the highest pass completion rate among Reading players this season at 77.4%.
* Hal Robson-Kanu is the only Reading player who has scored in their last seven PL matches.
* Pavel Pogrebnyak has taken just two shots (none on target) in his last four PL games.
* Southampton have thrown away more points from winning positions this season than any team in the PL (29).
* The Saints attempted 29 crosses v West Ham but only three were 'accurate' in finding a teammate.
* The Saints have not lost a game they have been winning at half-time this season.
* Stoke have picked up just five points from a possible 39 in 2013.
* Charlie Adam found a teammate with just two of his eight crosses and four of his ten long balls v Man United on Sunday.
* Rickie Lambert creates the same number of chances per game (2.2) as Steven Pienaar and more than Stewart Downing (2.1) and Aaron Lennon (2).
* Sunderland out-tackled Newcastle 22-17 in Sunday's derby with Sebastian Larsson responsible for six of those tackles.
* Their possession of just 34% and pass completion rate of 63% v Newcastle is lower than the averages for any PL club this season.
* Phil Bardsley came off after 55 minutes having completed a grand total of two passes.
* Andy Carroll has scored six goals in his last ten PL games for West Ham
* Carroll had two out of the Hammers' three shots on target v Southampton on Saturday.
* James Collins has recorded a pass completion rate below 50% in their last two PL games v Liverpool and Southampton.