He would report all-out nuclear war and a Victor Moses loan deal with the same degree of hyperbole. Our man Johnny is still recovering from TDD...
Player Of The Year: Robin van Persie. The most important player for the champions. Gareth Bale has been superb for Spurs, but Van Persie has taken United to another level as they wrestled back the title from Manchester City.
Young Player Of The Year: City have made a lot of mistakes this season, but swapping Stefan Savic for Matija Nastasic isn't one of them.
Manager Of The Year: Sir Alex Ferguson. The United manager bows out having restored United to their perch. Michael Laudrup also deserves credit for leading Swansea to their first major trophy as well as a top-ten finish.
Team Of The Year: Manchester United. Strength in numbers rather than a phenomenal first XI. To underline the overall quality in United's squad, 20 different players have scored for the champions this season - a Premier League record.
Goal Of The Season: Luis Suarez v Newcastle. Superb control and the awareness to evade Tim Krul all in one action.
Honourable mentions go to Matthew Lowton v Stoke, Loic Remy v Wigan, Robin van Persie v Villa, David Luiz v Fulham, Dimitar Berbatov v Stoke, Rafael v QPR, Hatem Ben Arfa v Villa, Papiss Cisse v Southampton, Gareth Bale v West Ham, Oscar v Juventus and Eden Hazard v Stoke. Also, this cracker from Nathaniel Chalobah v Leicester.
Game Of The Season: Dortmund v Malaga, Champions League quarter-final second leg. It had everything - goals, late goals, tension, hilarity, utterly ridiculous refereeing, and then that Jurgen Klopp post-match interview. Special mentions to Southampton 2 Man United 3, Arsenal 7 Newcastle 3, Arsenal 5 Spurs 2, United 2 Spurs 3 and Bayern 4 Barcelona 0.
Worst Player Of The Season: Two-times Champions League winner Jose Bosingwa had a particularly poor season at QPR. "He's another Champions League winner, the third in the squad now with Park Ji-sung and Djibril Cissé," said Mark Hughes in August. "Booooo." said the fans in May. It's a good job he only has two years left on his contract. Oh.
Worst Manager Of The Season: Harry 'Houdini' Redknapp. Five wins in 27 matches on the way to relegation. But what was he supposed to do with those players?
Misguided Messiah Of The Season: We doubt we'll see Alan Pardew jumping into the crowd to celebrate a goal again any time soon.
Signing Of The Season: Robin van Persie and Michu both offered excellent value at £24million and £2million, while Aston Villa will make a healthy profit on Christian Benteke.
Loan Of The Season: Romelu Lukaku. 17 goals in 35 appearances for West Brom, and he's still only 20. Will he return to the Hawthorns next season or will Chelsea want their young striker to gain European experience? A loan move to Swansea seems plausible.
Worst Signing Of The Season: Chris Samba has cost QPR £1.56million (in wages and transfer fee) for each point they have gained since signing the defender in January. At £15million, Joe Allen looks worse value than Jordan Henderson at Liverpool. Scott Sinclair has predictably had zero impact at Man City, along with Javi Garcia, while Matt Jarvis hasn't provided a single assist since his £10.75million move to West Ham.
Worst Contract Renewal Of The Season: Norwich must regret giving in to Grant Holt's demands #lovedmytime.
Surprising Disappointment Of The Season: After nine goals in 12 appearances last season, Nikica Jelavic has found the net only seven times this year.
Outburst Of The Season: Ashley Cole's criticism of the FA shortly before he was set to earn his 100th cap for England: 'Hahahahaa, well done #fa I lied did I, #BUNCHOFTW*TS'
Predictions Of The Season: Sun journalist Charlie Wyett: "Although it hurts, I think Arsenal have done some good business to get £22m for RVP. I don't think he will get double figures for Man Utd."
Adrian Durham: "I genuinely believe Harry will lead QPR to a higher finish than Spurs under AVB."
Transfer Request Of The Season: Wolves' Steven Fletcher, before joining Sunderland: 'Just handed in a transfer request just to let the fans know where I am at right now.... #headsgone.'
Press Release Of The Season: Ron Martin's rambling, self-indulgent waffle as Southend dismissed Paul Sturrock and replaced him with Phil Brown.
Worst Decision Of The Season: Danny Graham turned down the chance to win a League Cup winner's medal with Swansea in favour of a £5million move to Sunderland. Thirteen games and no goals later, we imagine he regrets his decision.
Weirdest Moment Of The Season: Luis Suarez's bizarre chomp on Branislav Ivanovic's arm, which inspired this Top Ten. It has been lost slightly in the moral outrage that this was just an exceptionally strange thing to do.
Celebration Of The Season: Luis Suarez's belly-flop in front of David Moyes after forcing Leighton Baines' own goal in Liverpool's 2-2 draw.
Kanu Award For 'How Old? Is He Bollocks': Luke Shaw. Absolutely no way is he only 17.
Car Journey Of The Season: Peter Odemwingie gets creative in trying to force through a move to QPR, showing up at Loftus Road, fails, looks like an utter goon.
Attempted Murder Of The Season: Ashley Williams kicking a football at Robin van Persie's head.
Letdown Of The Season: The previously unimpeachably cool Dimitar Berbatov celebrating by revealing a 'Keep calm and pass me the ball' t-shirt. Awful business.
Defence Of The Season: Dave Whelan claiming Callum McManaman's horrendous potential leg-breaker on Massadio Haidara took the ball "as clean as a whistle".
Protest Of The Year: Chelsea fans fire up the clipart and express their displeasure with Rafa Benitez using some A4 posters.
Finale Of The Season: Watford going from heading out of the Championship play-off semi-final via a Leicester penalty to qualifying for the final in one rapid counter-attack.
Runner-Up: Doncaster performing a similar feat on the last day of the League One season to deny Brentford.
Uppity Youngster Of The Season: Marcello Trotta, a Fulham forward on loan at Brentford, refusing to allow captain and designated penalty-taker Kevin O'Connor to take the vital kick in the above game, then smashing it against the bar. Hilarity ensues.
Brendanism Of The Season: "I've always said you can live without water for many days, but you can't live for a second without hope."
Runner-Up: "My biggest mentor is myself because I've had to study, so that's been my biggest influence."
Bronze Medal: "You train dogs, I like to educate players."
Haughty Dismissal Of The Season: 'Anyone thinking @OliverKayTimes hoaxed by an obscure website has never read him. No journalists are knocking this story...Do people really want bland player quotes, corporate deceit from clubs and sarcastic blogs from students? That's where we're headed' - Matt Hughes of The Times defends his colleague Oliver Kay's story about a Dubai-based 'Dream Premier League' - a story that of course turned out to be untrue.
Fashion Statement Of The Season: The Daily Mirror's Oliver Holt breaks out the Alice band. Again.
Logic Of The Season: John Aldridge, who claimed that Luis Suarez should have won the PFA Player of the Year award over Gareth Bale, partly because the Welshman needs to 'clean up his act'.
Pugilist Of The Year: Barry Rogerson, the Newcastle fan who punched a horse then claimed the horse started it.
Disagree? Send your own nominations to firstname.lastname@example.org.