F365's 20 Transfer Window Wishes

With the transfer window fast approaching, here's a list of 20 things we hope to see happen over the summer...

Last Updated: 31/05/13 at 08:54 Post Comment

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1) Mark Hughes, complete with a new blue rinse, announces his first signing at Stoke - Jose Bosingwa on a three-year deal worth £70,000-a-week.

 

2) Spurs agree a deal for David Villa but Daniel Levy vetoes the transfer when the striker refuses to shave his soul patch. Levy admits he was hoping to use the facial hair to fashion a wig for the miniature figurine of Benoit Assou-Ekotto he carved in his attic.

 

3) On deadline day, Sky Sports News cut to Gary Cotterill at the Britannia Stadium. The reporter has pulled his trousers up to his chest leaving a crotchal outline that is best described as a 'moose knuckle'.

 

4) Arsenal agree a fee for Morgan Schneiderlin but pull out of the transfer when he fails a medical. The report claims the Saints midfielder suffers from 'alien hand syndrome', but journalists point out that Schneiderlin isn't missing any limbs. "No, he believes he has a third hand," explains Arsene Wenger.

 

5) Paul Merson says something. I'm not sure what, but it's quite funny and we all laugh.

 

6) Roberto Mancini sneaks back into the Etihad Stadium and steals £50m from the club safe, which he spends on Kevin Doyle. Man City ask for Wolves to return the money, but FIFA and the FA both ratify the deal. They also comment on how well Roberto is looking after his time off.

 

7) Stevan Jovetic signs for Arsenal and declares: "Moving to England is one step closer to my dream of becoming a presenter on The One Show. Oooone badda ba da ba ba ba da Oooone badda ba...cough ...splutter..." Snapped vocal chords rule the striker out for two years.

 

8) West Ham sign released Reading left-back Nicky Shorey to be the club's 'official dancer'.

 

9) David Moyes announces Chris Brunt as his first signing at Manchester United. "So, what do you think Chris can offer United?" the manager is asked in Brunt's unveiling. "United?" "Yes, United. Manchester United." "Oh...oh right...sh*t...long pause...Chris, please leave." "Boss?" "LEAVE CHRIS."

 

10) Newcastle fail to do any business because Alan Pardew is too busy promoting his new range of hand lotions. Sylvain Marveaux is dragged around shopping centres up and down the country to help sell a product that claims to leave you feeling 'sexified'.

 

11) Gunnersaurus is suspended after it transpires that Arsenal's dinosaur mascot sent lewd videos to Christian Benteke in a bid to lure him to the Emirates. "I don't want to talk about it," says a clearly troubled Benteke, who fails to find the net all season.

 

12) Norwich trade Luciano Becchio for five admin staff from Leeds City Council. After the admin staff all start in successive 8-0 defeats, Chris Hughton rages: "They aren't footballers, they're admin staff. How am I supposed to get results with admin staff?" "You figure out, football manager," responds Delia Smith, sarcasm dripping from every syllable.

 

13) West Brom sign British swimming legend Duncan Goodhew on a five-year deal. "I don't have to explain anything to you fools," an angry Steve Clarke tells the press.

 

14) Roman Abramovich, in an exercise to flaunt his power, orders Andre Schurrle to give him one of the Rs from his surname before signing the striker. Chelsea fail to add anyone else to the squad over the summer as Abramovich ponders where to use his new R: "Romran?...Rabramovich?..."

 

15) Norwich target Gary Hooper retires from football when he's offered his dream job working at the Falkirk Wheel. "I couldn't turn down this opportunity," admits Hooper. "I mean, look at this f**king big wheel. Ain't she a beaut?"

 

16) Fulham sign a player under 30. The old men in the squad gather round, stroking his youthful face and weeping gently.

 

17) Full transcript of interview with Clement Grenier after he completes his move to Arsenal:

 

Journalist: "So, Clement, what did Arsene Wenger say to convince you to join Arsenal?"

Grenier: "I'm your biggest fan I'll follow you until you love me."

Journalist: "Ummm...Were there any other clubs interested in signing you?"

Grenier: "Roma-roma-ma."

Journalist: "Okay...Do you think this is a good move for your career?"

Grenier: "I'm on the right track baby I was born this way."

Journalist: "Are you repeating Lady Gaga lyrics?"

Grenier: "No."

Journalist: "How do you plan to convince Arsene that you deserve a place in the first team?"

Grenier: "I'll get him hot, show him what I've got."

Journalist: "Right, that's it..."

Grenier: "Can't read my, can't read my, no he can't read my poker face."

Arsene Wenger: "She's got to love nobody"

Grenier: "Can't read my, can't read my, no he can't read my poker face."

Wenger: "She's got to love nobody"

 

Interview ends.

 

18) It turns out Leandro Damiao doesn't really exist. Internacional accept £20m from Spurs to conclude a transfer and then send a small eight-year-old boy named Elias to London. Elias is nervous about Daniel Levy and Andre Villas-Boas' reactions as he knows they won't be fooled by the con, but the Spurs duo see the funny side and phone Internacional to say "Hey guys! Boy, did you get us!" Elias decides to stay and attend school in London where his favourite lessons are Geography and French. He makes friends with another boy called Peter and occasionally goes to his house to play computer games. Everyone is happy.

19) In a typical show of bravado, Jose Mourinho bets reporters that he can fit a whole orange in his mouth. He wins the bet, but the orange gets stuck and can't be removed. For the rest of his life Mourinho has an orange lodged in his face.

20) Luis Suarez, running for a bus, collides with former Big Break presenter John Virgo. In a Freaky Friday-style twist, the two men swap bodies. Virgo, now in Suarez's frame, refuses to switch back and enjoys an illustrious career as a waistcoated striker for Real Madrid. Suarez is forced to live out the rest of his days attempting trick shots and appearing as a guest on Countdown where he forms a strong bond with Nick Hewer.

Matt Stanger - he's on the Twitter.

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Readers' Comments

Y

ou can't blame De Gea for wanting to leave, he has enough to do in front of goal as it is as well as taking on the role of Man Utd's version of Derek Acorah in trying to contact and organise a defence that isn't there.

rodger's gusset
Van Gaal downbeat on De Gea

I

f you want to take six points off Arsenal, then that's a great strike force. Can't imagine either of them showing much for the rest of the season though...

foot in mouth
Adebayor & Berbatov: You Have To Admire The Balls

L

ooks like Real get their man, most likely at their own valuation, yet again. Resistance is futile.

paul7702
Van Gaal downbeat on De Gea

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