He would report all-out nuclear war and a Victor Moses loan deal with the same degree of hyperbole. Our man Johnny is still recovering from TDD...
1) Arsenal had 23 shots on the opening day of last season but drew 0-0 with which side?
2) Who had the Gunners agreed to sell on that same day?
3) Who scored twice on his Fulham debut against Norwich?
4) Damien Duff scored in that game to become the second Irishman to score in 13 PL seasons. Who was the first?
5) Which manager was sent to the stands on the opening day for shoving a linesman?
6) Tottenham only had which teenage striker to bring off the bench as they chased a 2-1 deficit to Newcastle?
7) Which two players scored braces for Swansea at QPR on the opening day?
8) Which four England internationals did QPR have on the bench?
9) Who was sent off for Stoke City on the opening day against Reading?
10) Who was the Reading keeper who made a bit of a cock of Michael Kightly's shot for Stoke's opener?
11) Which Liverpool defender fouled Shane Long for the second goal in their 3-0 defeat at West Brom?
12) Whose spectacular strike had given the Baggies the lead?
13) Which Australian started for Villa at West Ham and has since left the club?
14) Who scored the Hammers' winner on that day?
15) Who gave away a Wigan penalty for a lunge on Eden Hazard?
16) Who is the only player to figure for Chelsea that day who has since left the club?
17) Who scored the 80th-minute winner for Man City to beat Southampton 3-2?
18) What was the name of the 17-year-old midfielder oddly given a debut by Nigel Adkins in that game?
19) What was Manchester United's centre-half pairing to face Everton in the Monday night game?
20) Who is the only player involved for United who is not now part of David Moyes' squad?
Come this way for the answers...