He would report all-out nuclear war and a Victor Moses loan deal with the same degree of hyperbole. Our man Johnny is still recovering from TDD...
1) Which Arsenal player has given up the No. 2 shirt after eight seasons?
2) Who were Villa's No. 1 and 2 last season who are now No. 35 and 41?
Shay Given and Alan Hutton.
3) Who is the new Cardiff striker signing who has taken the No. 9 shirt?
4) Who had Chelsea's No. 15 shirt for six seasons before Kevin De Bruyne?
5) Who is the only player stil wearing the same shirt from Crystal Palace's last top-flight season?
6) Who is the proud wearer of the Everton No. 1 shirt?
7) Name either of the two players who wore the now-vacant No. 2 and 6 shirts at Fulham last season.
Stephen Kelly or Chris Baird.
8) Which player is Hull's current No. 15 and was their No. 6 in their last top-flight season in 2009-10?
9) Who is the current wearer of the Liverpool No. 9 shirt?
10) No. 3 is the only vacant 1-11 shirt at Manchester City. Who was its last wearer?
11) Which Manchester United player's No. 20 shirt was taken by RVP so he has taken Paul Scholes' old No. 22 shirt?
12) Name either of the players who vacated the No. 5 and 14 shirts at Newcastle this summer.
Danny Simpson or James Perch.
13) Who is Norwich City's new No. 9?
Ricky van Wolfswinkel.
14) Whose Southampton No. 5 shirt has been given to Dejan Lovren?
15) New Stoke boss Mark Hughes hinted that he might sign an actual right-back by taking the No. 2 shirt off which stand-in right-back?
16) Which former Sunderland No. 2 has not been given a shirt number at all this season?
17) Which new Swansea signings are No. 8 and 10 this season?
Jonjo Shelvey and Wilfried Bony.
18) Whose No. 2 shirt has Kyle Walker taken this season?
19) Name either of the players who have worn No. 20 for West Brom last season and this season.
Romelu Lukaku and Matej Vydra.
20) Who has been given the No. 15 shirt at West Ham this season as a reward for his improved behaviour?