PL Diary: Oh Fernando. Silly Fernando...

Two petulant millionaires dicking about like schoolchildren - it's what we all want to see on a Saturday afternoon. Meanwhile, Brendan Rodgers is managing hard...

Last Updated: 30/09/13 at 09:48 Post Comment

Latest Articles

The Completed Summer Transfers List

26 comments

Here is a full list of summer transfers in 2015. It's getting very busy now...

Football People On TV: Danny Murphy

6 comments

For me, I'll tell you what, oh my days, there's something quite likeable about Danny Murphy - even if he has the sunken eyes of a man with a lot of demons...

All Articles

The weekend began at White Hart Lane, where 36,000-odd people turned up and many more thousands tuned in to see two people that used to work together but haven't for a while, and used to talk regularly but don't anymore, stand near one another, wearing suits. This turned out to be quite dull.

Luckily there was a football match on as well, so the hordes that had gathered to feed on Portuguese men o'war were instead treated to 45 minutes of Tottenham playing football, then 45 minutes of Chelsea playing football. More entertainingly, they were treated to the finest snark-fest of the season so far, as Jan Vertonghen and Fernando Torres decided, quite rightly, that everybody wanted to spend their afternoon watching two petulant millionaires dicking about like schoolchildren.

Vertonghen opened with a Chinese burn. Torres responded by rubbing his knuckles on the Belgian's head, but ended up flat on his face when it turned out that somebody had tied his shoelaces together. Both players then delivered unto one another a simultaneous and exceptionally painful wedgie. Mums were insulted. Sisters' reputations were besmirched. Each knew the other was, they had in fact said the other was, but what were they? Apart from grown-ups, obviously.

Perhaps even more remarkably, Torres was playing perhaps as well as he has since he was last any good. (Ask your parents, kids.) Running at speed! Going past players! Kicking the ball actually towards the net. Not into, no, but baby steps. Chelsea fans will be looking forward to seeing him build on this resurgence, and will be grateful that he didn't, say, manage to get himself sent off for being a mardy buffoon. Oh? Ah. Well, at least he didn't doing anything really stupid, like raking his nails down the face of his marker while grinning vacantly and staring into space. Eh? Ah. Oh, Fernando. So hacked off was the Spaniard that it was something of a shock to see him trudge from the field, rather than ruin the game by relentlessly scoring own goal after own goal after own goal until the tears exploded from his eyes.

- Strange times in Manchester. By strange, we mean 'hilarious for everybody else'. On Saturday, both teams contrived to lose in distinct but disappointing fashion. City, for their part, decided to go for low comedy, Joe Hart conceding the winner by charging off his line in the manner of an inadequate goalkeeper attempting to assert his way out of a slump in form, and failing. United, by contrast, decided to embrace bleak, noirish horror, seemingly bamboozled by West Bromwich Albion's ability to pass the ball at pace to one another. And what could be worse for any citizen of Manchester than to wake up the day after an irritating and/or humiliating loss with nothing to cling to but the knowledge of your own fading and irrelevant mortality? That's right: waking up the day after an irritating and/or humiliating loss with nothing to cling to but the knowledge of your own fading and irrelevant mortality, and the Tory party conference coming to town.

(Which do you reckon Cameron prefers? On the one hand, City are a PFI project writ large, as well as the wet dream of every little boy that went to sleep at night and dreamed of wielding immense financial power thanks to their breeding and the exploitation of those poorer than them. But on the other, United are turning a much-loved community asset to mulch, and might offer him a game in midfield. It's a tricky one.)

- In Sunderland, meanwhile, the watching public were treated yet another episode of Ellis Short's investigations into the New Manager Bounce. Observers were hopeful at first, as the stripey Wearsiders, recently liberated from the yolk of fascism, buzzed around with energy, purpose, and commitment for the first quarter of the game. Sebastian Larsson hit the bar. Liverpool's defenders were looking nervous and skittish. And then...and then Daniel Sturridge elbowed the ball into the net and everything went to pieces. A second-half rally fell short, and it turns out that Sturridge is quite good at passing to Luis Suarez. So, who's next? What's Leswyn Reed up to? Is Stewart Houston dead? Was he ever alive?

Their opponents, Liverpool, persisted with the 3-5-2 formation that managed to secure them a narrow defeat against David Moyes's apology of a parody of a Manchester United side midweek. It's not working particularly well in any footballing sense, and it's making Steven Gerrard look his age, but that's not the point. The point is this. Brendan Rodgers is a manager. And Brendan Rodgers wants you to know that he's managing. Managing hard. And soaking the half-time oranges in brandy, apparently.

- Finally, a word on Arsenal. Cauliflower.

Andi Thomas and Alexander Netherton

You can follow Andi on Twitter here, Alexander on Twitter here, and buy last season's Diary here.

Football365 Facebook Fan Page

The Football365 fan page is a great place to meet like minded people, have football related discussions and make new friends.

Most Commented

Readers' Comments

I

m pretty sure van Gaal has created his own dialect.

parsy12
LVG: Herrera better at No.10

W

hy do ye insist on making out Spurs are a bigger club than Everton? Blatant London bias here

Nutboy
Have The Top Six Met Their Targets?

N

ot even Bosnich: The United Year(s) by Victor Valdes. Coming to a bookshop near you soon.

sailingmagpie
Valdes set to leave United for Besiktas

Latest Photos

Footer 365

Louis van Gaal: We were too dominant to change

Louis van Gaal has claimed Manchester United were "too dominant" to react to Swansea's tactical change in their 2-1 Premier League defeat.

Garry Monk has praised 'brave' Swansea following their 2-1 win over Manchester United

Garry Monk has labelled Swansea as 'brave' following their 2-1 victory over Manchester United at the Liberty Stadium on Sunday.

Goals from Andre Ayew and Bafetimbi Gomis helped Swansea to a 2-1 win over Manchester United

Swansea came from behind to secure a 2-1 victory over Manchester United thanks to second-half goals from Andre Ayew and Bafetimbi Gomis.

Mail Box

Brendan Rodgers Just Isn't Good Enough...

That's the general consensus in a bumper Mailbox, which says we have reached 'Peak Brendan'. Also, Arsenal don't need a striker, and is Klopp being lined up by Chelsea?

It's Stupid To Write Off Coquelin Now...

Francis Coquelin gets the staunch backing of one mailer, while Lazar Markovic is given a fond farewell. Plus hat-tricks, ideal teams, the north, Stones and a Son song...

© 2015 Sky Ltd. All Rights Reserved A Sky Sports Digital Media company