The Diary: Gunshots At Wembley...

We haven't heard from Andi and Alex since last Monday, but two dictaphones landed on our desk first thing this morning. Read on to hear what they contained...

Last Updated: 19/11/13 at 12:44 Post Comment

Latest Articles

Football Managers On TV: Roberto Martinez

6 comments

He's a 'Bright Young Manager', which is meant as a huge compliment, and he's also affable and approachable. It's actually quite difficult to dislike Roberto Martinez...

WhoScored's Five Early Season Statistical Shifts

5 comments

WhoScored.com look at five sides who, after the opening four matches of the season, seem to have made tactical alterations to their style over the summer...

All Articles

On Friday night, England lost 2-0 to Chile at Wembley. The traditional atmosphere was almost entirely absent, with only the incessant and maddening England Band hooting throughout the game, driving sensible men mad. Football365 Diarists, unaccredited hacks that they are, were not privy to the ongoing verbal jousts and eating in the press box, but were rather in the ground. Armed with a dictaphone each, and a dream shared between the two of them, they recorded conversations around Wembley II. We have not heard from them since, but simply found the dictaphones in an envelope on our desk, addressed thus:

Head Swine

Football365

Sky Sports Building

London

We've transcribed what we can, and it seems as though this may be the last offering from the pair. If you know about their whereabouts, please contact us or the police. Any information could help. Thank you.

Conversation 1, 6.46pm:
Boy 1: "No, enganche means hook. Trequartista means three-quarter. Volante means wheel. Lateral means side. Pivote means pivot. Velocista means someone who is fast. Freelance means unpaid. Vertical means horizontal. Even somebody as addled as Adriano Leite Ribeiro would be able to understand that."

Man 1: "Like I said, you can either use plain English when you talk to me about tactics, instead of posturing about like a pompous show-off, or you can go and find somebody else to talk to. Go back to Twitter and leave me in peace you tedious [inaudible]."

Conversation 2, 7.00pm:
Man 2: "I'm telling you, it is a legitimate space tale. If a white man who broke the South African cultural boycott can't call a person of a colour a monkey, without giving any context to the label until reminded to several times, then I'm telling you, the terrorists and Patrice Evra have won. It's political correctness gone mad. Next thing you know we'll have women at football, or suicide bombers playing at full-back. Not in my name."

Man 3: "I don't care what you think, I'm not going to publish that if you file it tonight. It just makes you look racist."

Conversation 3, 7.30pm:
Woman 1: "I just took a peek at the executive suites upstairs. It's vile. There are three partially disrobed businessmen up there, in a paddling pool of tepid pork mince. They're down to their pants, socks and sock garters, slathering fatty meat all over themselves and another, while that Tory MP [redacted - Ed] videos everything, taking a break every few minutes to fondle himself and squeal like an overexcited child. I'm very seriously considering not voting for him at the next election."

Woman 2: "[Inaudible]? You've got to be [redacted - Ed] kidding me. He was doing that last time too."

Conversation 4, 7:47pm:
Man 4: "Okay. Two gross, no questions asked, delivered straight to your house. The driver's discreet, the boxes are unmarked. Nobody will suspect a thing."

Man 5: "Look, I've told you, I don't want your stupid shampoo."

Man 4: "I just feel so alone."

The next two hours feature ramblings of Andi and Alex, most of which cannot be made out. At some point Andi demands Alex puts down "that gun". In a later conversation Andi says, "It's OK. I've lost a lot of blood but the flow seems to have died down for now. It was an accident, don't blame yourself." Before the final conversation below, the tape plays announcement from what seems to be Sheffield Bus Station.

Man 5: "Time of death estimated to be 11pm. [buzzsaw sounds, followed by a squelch and pop]. Brain, 4 kilos. Light for an adult, showing discoloration across the frontal lobe. Now let's have a look at the viscera. [sound of knife slicing, with another squelch]. I've removed the stomach and will open it up with an incision to see what's inside. Oh, God [vomits]. It's just pork and bits of pastry. It's completely full of pork mince. You could sew up this stomach and whack it in the oven, and you'd have yourself enough dinner for a family. Look, there's a little lining of jelly. The intestines are... urgh... exactly the same. I think that's some HP sauce. Miles and miles of them, are totally impacted with pork mince. I just don't [vomits] understand [vomits]. He's eaten so much processed pig that his organs have swelled. The arteries and veins haven't had the space to pump blood around the body. He's eaten himself into suffocation."

Man 5: "Tony, that's the same as the other one. The one with the earring and the gunshot wound in his thigh. The one in the Dulwich Hamlet shirt. What the hell has happened?"

Andi Thomas and Alexander Netherton

You can follow Andi on Twitter here, Alexander on Twitter here, and buy last season's Diary here.

Football365 Facebook Fan Page

The Football365 fan page is a great place to meet like minded people, have football related discussions and make new friends.

Most Commented

Readers' Comments

H

ilarious, thanks for that. But if I may, I do suspect the reason of your partners' ire is not Tottenham, but most probably all the compusilve gambling :)

DannySmith
Backing Costa To Keep Banging 'Em In

T

wo police horses in a paddock. Horse 1: What's with the long face? Horse 2: I'm working St James Park this weekend.

hump3.
Pardew - It's mass hysteria

T

wo things. First, I can't stop reading your name as 'Dane Bowers'. Second, you used the words 'philosophy' and 'Redknapp' in the same sentence.

ajsr1982
Can United's Defence Handle Ulloa?

Latest Photos

Footer 365

Euro 2020: Wembley to host final and semi-finals

Wembley has been chosen to stage the final and semi-finals of Euro 2020, while Dublin and Glasgow will also host games.

Euro 2020: FA chairman happy after Wembley awarded tournament finale

Greg Dyke was delighted with UEFA’s decision to award the semi-finals and final of Euro 2020 to Wembley.

Kick It Out urges UEFA to clamp down on anti-Semitism

Kick It Out has urged UEFA to clamp down after Partizan Belgrade fans unfurled an anti-Semitic banner.

Mail Box

No, Wenger IS To Blame For Failure...

The backlash to the backlash to the backlash sees Arsene Wenger getting a good kicking while we also have mails on Chelsea, Newcastle, Everton and lots more...

Why Doesn't Rodgers Play Borini?

One Liverpool supporter thinks this could be Fabio Borini's year, whilst we also have thoughts on the Red Bulls, Welbeck vs Gervinho and Paul Lambert's new deal...

© 2014 British Sky Broadcasting Ltd. All Rights Reserved A Sky Sports Digital Media property