Eye On The Experts: Paul Merson

Merse is a great sort of entertainment with his top-notch japery and mispronunciation of foreign names, but Johnny and Al would love him to stop repeating himself...

Last Updated: 27/03/14 at 16:23 Post Comment

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John Nicholson and Alan Tyers look at some of football's pundits and commentators and try to pin down what makes them good, what makes them bad, and what makes them ugly. This week, it's literally Paul Merson, literally, it's Paul Merson, Jeff, I mean, literally.

Style
Perhaps having spent so many of his Arsenal years being forced to wear those psychedelic, eyeball-frying away shirts, these days Merse is attired very conservatively and mostly looks like a man dressed for a wedding in a suburb of Watford. And a man dressed by his mother, at that. Often sports the vaguely stunned expression of a man who has been recently struck by a moving vehicle.


Special Interest
The creative interpretation and reimagining of the English language with particular focus on the mispronunciation of non-Anglo-Saxon names.


Strengths and Weaknesses
Merse is a bit of a card. The King Of Repetition, possibly. He clearly loves football and loves going on about it. Genuine enthusiasm is infectious and, if you think about it, when it's Merse's turn to talk on Soccer Saturday, you do look up at the screen, simply because of that quality.

On the other hand, Merse unfortunately has to convey his thoughts and feelings through his use of a language that is only distantly related to English. And that's before he even tries to talk about people from foreign lands. Merse can mispronounce foreign names and words for England. He also struggles to remember some names, deploying 'whatshisname' to cover this. More churlish viewers might think this is poor work, and on one level it obviously is, but then in this regard he is something of an Everydad, pointing at the telly, knowing who he means but not quite able to spit it out. In a football landscape of stats and precision and beep tests and the scientific analysis of the run-rate of withdrawn inverted full-backs, we rather enjoy his clearly shaky grasp of who the hell these blurry shapes running around on his TV monitor might be. Because Foreigner Name Usage and Recognition Difficulty Syndrome is such a profound condition for Merse, it is actually rather endearing, and one looks forward to seeing how he'll pronounce the name of a new Greek striker.

This all being said, the degree to which he repeats himself in delivering any point of view really needs curtailing. Admittedly Soccer Saturday would be an hour shorter without Merse making a statement, making the statement again, then turning the sentence around and the statement, making it again. Sometimes it is as though the Merse Mind is a battered old record that repeatedly gets stuck and needs nudging to dislodge it and move it on.


Tactical genius or tactics truck?
Merse is often allowed out of the Soccer Saturday studio to work on live games but really, he offers little in this environment. The speed of thought and ability to communicate needed in this setting isn't his strong suit and the need to repeat any thought three times in often tight time slots isn't ideal. Interestingly, never let loose as a co-comm, presumably for the same reasons. Possibly the Football Commentators Union have it built into their collective bargaining agreement that working with Merse as a sideman would constitute exceptional and unacceptable demands.


Leg squeezer geezer?
Premier League. Like many ex-pros he seems at his happiest when surrounded by fellow ex-pros taking the mick about him being stupid, liking a gamble or a drink, or being fat. Such japery will be accompanied with a rub of the thigh, a squeeze of the leg and a rocking back and forth with huge mirth while the rest of us adult males look on astonished.


Bantersaurus Rex?
We have often thought Merse is the silly boy at school who the rougher boys goad into doing daft things in order to get their approval. He is the one who licks the dog poo on the end of the stick or dives into the flood quarry to get the ball back. Thus we feel he is more the victim of the Bantersaurus culture than a perpetrator of it.


Cliché counter
For me Jeff, he loves a cliché, literally loves a cliché Jeff. No, seriously, seriously, loves a cliché Jeff. Prone to under-critiquing British players and being over-mistrustful of unpronounceable foreign sorts, which is in itself, a sort of cliché. Little of what Merse says has not been said before, though perhaps not quite in the same order of words.


Why does he get gigs?
We know many people wonder this and for obvious reasons which we don't need to document in further detail. However, an oft-missed point about Merse is that he offers an occasional clownish outlet for a sport that is often taken far too seriously. Any group of people needs someone who good-naturedly takes some ribbing and Merse fulfils that role in his on-screen peer group.

We hope this doesn't sound snobbish or nasty, but it's a fact that quite a few of the people watching Merse are going to be as inarticulate, or even more so, as he is and as such see nothing exceptional or wrong with the former Arsenal boozehound's uphill struggle against coherence and syntax. The audience for football analysis is a broad one, and while it would be a bit harsh to see Merse as being a specialist employed to appeal to the remedial class, we think he offers much conscious and subconscious entertainment and is thus rightly highly valued. Highly valued.

John Nicholson and Alan Tyers

See extracts from Alan's new book 'Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects' here.

Check out John's new series of crime novels about life, death, sex and UEFA Cup football, here.

You can also follow Alan and Johnny on Twitter.

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Readers' Comments

S

terling needs to be told though that upon entering the Arsenal squad he will re-enact the final scene from Highlander where he will be thrown around a warehouse by cartoon dragons and then be a mere mortal that will only ever spend three to four weeks a season playing football and the rest on the physio's bed. There can be only one.....player available at The Emirates.

rodger's gusset
Arsenal interest in Sterling

T

he game changed in our favour when Carrick came on. We were able to play further up the pitch due to having a player who can give and go with the ball and keep possession. Yet barkley made some runs and Townsend scored a good goal but carrick's inclusion and chiellini's withdrawal made the biggest difference to the flow of the game

ricky villa
Hodgson: Barkley was brilliant

N

o, you've not silenced anyone Andros, i'm afraid. We know you can score a great goal, and it's really handy to have your direct running and willingness to shoot on the bench. But until you can do the other things expected of a winger (beat the man, put a decent cross in, stay wide etc) then you can't expect more than a regular cameo. Wonderful goal though, what a hit! No wonder Buffon wanted the shirt.

badwolf
Townsend: I've silenced critics

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