He would report all-out nuclear war and a Victor Moses loan deal with the same degree of hyperbole. Our man Johnny is still recovering from TDD...
* Villa need four points from their last five games to avoid their worst points total in PL history.
* Aston Villa's starting XI on Saturday have just 11 league goals between them this season.
* Centre-back Ciaran Clark had more shots than any other Aston Villa player against Crystal Palace.
* Fraizer Campbell completed just seven passes during the entire 90 minutes against Southampton.
* Against Southampton, Cardiff kept just their second PL clean sheet in 18 matches.
* Saturday was only the eighth time in 34 matches this season that Cardiff have scored first in a matcjh. No other side has done it less than ten times.
* Demba Ba has a better goalscoring rate (one every 92.2 minutes) in all competitions than Luis Suarez (99.6 minutes) this season.
* Chelsea have kept a clean sheet in 47% of their PL games this season.
* Nemanja Matic attempted 84 passes in 90 minutes against Swansea.
* Since Tony Pulis was appointed, only Chelsea (18) have conceded fewer goals than Palace's total of 21.
* Yannick Bolasie became the first Crystal Palace player to register more than one assist this season with his pass to Jason Puncheon on Saturday.
* Palace have taken 26 points at home from a total of just 15 goals.
* Roberto Martinez's Everton have now achieved their record points total in Premier League history.
* Gerard Deulofeu has started seven league matches for Everton. They've won every one.
* Gareth Barry had 78 touches of the ball against Sunderland, 27 more than any other Everton midfielder.
* Fulham have kept two clean sheets in their last three home PL matches. Before that, they had managed just 3 in 29 games home and away.
* Hugo Rodallega has scored as many goals in his last 95 minutes of Premier League football as he had since September 2012.
* Fulham's first-half record this season sees them in 14th position, just three points behind Spurs.
* Liverpool have now scored 23 goals this season from set pieces, at five more than any other side.
* Liverpool have now scored in every one of their last twenty halves of Premier League football.
* Jordan Henderson was shown the first red card to a Liverpool player in the Premier League since September 2012.
* Manchester City benefited from their fifth own goal of the season on Sunday. Only Swansea (8) have been gifted more.
* City have already lost more away league games this season than they did under Roberto Mancini last season.
* 41.1% of Manchester City's 51 matches this season have contained five or more goals. For Crystal Palace, that figure is 2.7%
* Newcastle have managed to collect just three points from losing positions this season.
* The starting XI against Stoke on Saturday have only ten league goals this season between them. Yoan Gouffran has six of those.
* Newcastle have now failed to score in 12 of their last 16 PL matches. Sunderland have scored more league goals at St James' Park than Newcastle this year.
* Norwich have been losing 15 matches at half-time this season. They've lost 14 of them.
* Ricky Van Wolfswinkel managed to have his eighth shot on target of the season on Saturday. He has now gone 23 hours and 7 minutes without a goal in all competitions.
* Gary Hooper played for 33 minutes against Fulham. He touched the ball just six times.
* Southampton have now lost six of their last nine matches in all competitions, after previously being unbeaten in eight.
* Southampton lost against Cardiff despite recording 68% possession, making more than double the amount of passes and having more than three times as many shots as their opponents.
* Jack Cork completed 81 passes on Saturday despite playing just 79 minutes. No Cardiff player completed more than 28 in 90 minutes.
* Stoke have now picked up 27 points in their last 12 home games, including only one defeat.
* Marko Arnautovic created four chances against Newcastle, as many as the rest of his team-mates combined.
* Since the beginning of March, only Liverpool and Everton have a better record than Stoke in the Premier League.
* Only one player on the pitch created more chances than Phil Bardsley during Sunderland v Everton.
* Gustavo Poyet's side have taken just six points at home in the league since November 10th.
* Sunderland's last nine matches in all competitions have seen them draw one and lose eight. They've scored six and conceded 22.
* Jonjo Shelvey was the only Swansea player to create more than one chance against Chelsea.
* David N'Gog was on the pitch for 20 minutes but completed just one pass in that time.
* Of Swansea's five home wins this season, four have been against the bottom four teams in the table.
* Christian Eriksen has four goals and three assists in his last four Premier League matches.
* Spurs have now gained 17 points from losing positions this season, more than any other side.
* Emmanuel Adebayor has only ever missed two penalties in the Premier League. Both were saved by Ben Foster for West Brom.
* West Brom have now lost 15 points from winning positions this season. Without that, they would be eighth.
* West Brom have now drawn 15 matches this season, five more than any other side and two behind the 38-game Premier League record.
* Matej Vydra's opener was West Brom's quickest goal in Premier League history
Daniel Storey - Follow him on Twitter.