The boys try and take a look at Alan Irvine's appearances on TV but keep dropping off. Never before has a man been too dull to even use cliches. It's not good...
Player Of The Season:Yaya Toure. It's one of football's great hypothetical questions but, if we were to play with 11 clones of a single player, ours would be a team of Yaya Toures. He's possibly the most complete all-round player in the world.
Young Player Of The Season: Raheem Sterling. Unlike the PFA Young Player of the Year, we think this award should go to someone who is actually, well, young, and so the 19-year-old Sterling takes it with ease. Started one league game before December, by May his place was assured both in Liverpool's line-up and on the plane to Brazil.
Most Improved Player Of The Season:Jordan Henderson. The rise in Henderson's status from also-ran to key man stands out more than any other. Liverpool missed him hugely when he was suspended for the run-in.
Manager Of The Season: Tony Pulis. His record of 41 points from 27 games since taking over Crystal Palace in November put the Eagles eighth for that period, behind only last season's top seven. Pulis now has Palace conceding goals at a markedly lower rate in the Premier League than they did in the Championship. A reputation-changing job done.
Goal Of The Season: Jack Wilshere v Norwich. Pass, dribble, pass, pass, dribble, pass, pass, pass, flick, flick, flick, finish. Football is at its best when the most intricate is made to look simple beyond belief.
Runners-Up: Luis Suarez v Norwich (the 45-yarder), Pajtim Kasami v Crystal Palace (phwoar), Ross Barkley v Manchester City, Daniel Sturridge v West Brom and Seamus Coleman v Southampton.
Assist Of The Season: Alvaro Negredo v Fulham. If you've seen a better pass this season, you'd be stupid to share it with anyone.
Game Of The Season: Liverpool 3-2 Manchester City. Celebrate the cliché - this game had everything. Liverpool stormed into the lead, threw it away, and then won it late on to put the title race in their hands in a cauldron of noise at Anfield. At that point it looked like the championship was returning to the Reds for the first time in 24 years.
Runners-Up: Manchester City 6-3 Arsenal, Everton 3-3 Liverpool, Stoke 3-5 Liverpool, Aston Villa 4-3 West Brom.
Comeback Of The Season: Crystal Palace v Liverpool. With the draw trading at 999/1, this was football reminding us again of its propensity to be absolutely mystifying.
Appointment Of The Season: Alisher Apsalyamov, a 23-year-old from Kazakhstan who was appointed Cardiff's head of recruitment after impressing with his wall-painting technique during a spot of summer work experience. Good ol' Vincent Tan.
Set-Piece Of The Season: Iago Aspas. The only set piece that has made us gasp more than Roberto Carlos' in Le Tournoi. Glorious in its simple and elegant woefulness.
Runner Up: Jason Puncheon. A penalty that broke both a man's dignity and the laws of physics.
Forgotten Man Of The Season: Cardiff's Tommy Smith wins in an incredibly strong category. Twenty-four appearances last season, not a single minute this, and not so much a sniff of a loan spell either.
Runner-Up: Scott Sinclair. Now 371 minutes of Premier League action since the end of September 2012. What's more frightening is that Sinclair is now 25.
Bargain Of The Season: Jason Puncheon. For £2million, his goals and creative quality gave Palace impetus in their surge up the table. Just forget that penalty.
Runners-Up: Curtis Davies, Tom Huddlestone, Marko Arnautovic and Vito Mannone. Loans don't count, so there.
Worst Signing Of The Season: Marouane Fellaini. Ricky Van Dogc*ck has been abysmal, but it is Fellaini that epitomises Manchester United and David Moyes' annus horribilis. United paid £5million more than Fellaini's recently expired release clause to solve a problem position and were rewarded with just 12 league starts.
'Thousand Spoons When All You Need Is A Knife' Irony Of The Season: Steven Gerrard. This f*cking slipped.
'Put Your Hands Up, Bend Your Knees' U-Turn Of The Season: Robbie Savage.
August 2013: "My choice as champions are Manchester City."
November 2013: "It's time to face facts and admit what other pundits cannot bring themselves to admit. Not only do Arsenal have all the ingredients required to win the title, I'm beginning to think they will do it."
February 2014: "Although Manchester City, my tips before a ball was kicked last August, have the superior firepower, I'm not deserting the Gunners just yet."
March 2014: "If I'm honest, my heart says Liverpool will be champions. However, my head says Jose Mourinho is too clever to let it slip. Chelsea are favourites now, and I think they will go on to clinch the deal."
The Anti-Nostradamus Prediction Of The Season: 'Manchester City face a struggle to catch Chelsea in the title race because Manuel Pellegrini is nothing Special. Pretty soon, the Blue Moonies at the Etihad will be asking: Why Manuel Pellegrini when City could have had the Special One? They simply didn't want him. And now they're living to regret it. Where Pellegrini makes obvious mistakes, Mourinho plucks masterstroke decisions from the clear blue heavens. Martin Demichelis' blunders have cost the Mancunian Blues two trophies already and if Pellegrini continues to select him, he will scupper their title bid too' - Dave Kidd, Daily Mirror.
Runners Up: "Spurs have sold Elvis Presley, but they've bought the Beatles" - Garth Crooks. Probably more like McFly.
Answering the question of who would be the best signing of the season: 'Someone (I forget who) said that Roberto Soldado will score a lot of goals but you won't remember any of them. That's exactly what Spurs need. Nods to more or less everyone Norwich have signed and Emanuele Giaccherini. Wilfried Zaha looks like the real thing, too' - Oh Nick Miller. Nicky, Nicky, Nicholas. The head of every nail remains unhit.
Embarrassment Of The Season: Manchester United's plane-happy fans. It's one thing losing your s**t when your team suffers a fall from grace after two decades of success, but paying to fly a plane in protest of your manager is really quite pathetic.
And, just to prove they weren't embarrassed in the slightest, a group of United supporters performed the same tedious stunt by taunting Steven Gerrard on the final day. Yes, Liverpool did finish five places above United this season.
Runner Up: Andre Marriner. Sending off Kieran Gibbs rather than Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain. The gaffe that sparked a thousand awkward questions.
Worst Idea Of The Season: Moyes, Moyes, one thousand times Moyes.
Runner-Up: Sunderland bringing in 15 players of nine different nationalities over the summer, 11 of which had no Premier League experience. It was a player they loaned out who eventually kept them up. All hail Connor Wickham.
Excuse Of The Season: "I have moved my head forward and you can't do that. Just trying to push him away really with my head" - Chunky Pardew on his 'headpush'.
Celebration Of The Season: David Moyes v Fulham. An 80th0minute goal against the bottom team in the league, who would then equalise in stoppage time. Summed it all up, really.
Fashion Statement Of The Season: Impossible to see beyond Tim Sherwood's gilet, though we're pleased we can now stop hearing about it. Not since Malcom Allison's sheepskin coat or Cloughie's green jumper has a manager been more synonymous with a garment intended to provide warmth.
One Swallow Does Not Make A Summer Of The Season: Ricky van Wolfswinkel. One goal in his first 71 Norwich minutes. No more in his next 1,451 minutes.
"Are We Live?" Of The Season: David Ginola does what we all dream of: making a w**ker sign on live TV.
Runner-Up: Christopher Lymberopoulos, who seemed to know exactly what he was doing.
Footballer Tweet Of The Season: @Cristiano: 'Thank you for all participating in the CR7 Boys Underwear Competition - it's been a real pleasure to see all of your photos'
Runners-Up: @garylineker: 'I used to hide in the showers at Leicester aged 17, so ashamed was I at my lack of pubic hair.'
@Rossmccormack44: 'Hope your next s**t is a hedgehog.'
'Just Tick That Box There' Of The Season: Ji Dong-Won. The South Korean played four league games when not cleared to do so at the beginning of the season.
Misguided Use Of Social Media Of The Season: Steven Taylor. Unfathomably stupid.
Poor Lifestyle Choice Of The Season: Go here to see a photo of a tattoo on a Liverpool fan that was revealed in February. Yes, that's Brendan Rodgers' face alongside a quote that reads "I've always said that you can live without water for many days, but you can't live for a second without hope." It made us gip.
Misguided Fancy Dress Decision Of The Season: Chris Smalling. When you know the tabloids will make a s**tstorm out of everything, dressing up as the 'Jagerbomber' probably wasn't the greatest mix of sartorial humour and wordplay.
Quote of the Season: "Shut your noise you f**king old c**t" - Alan Pardew has a way with words.
Runners Up: "Now we will play like Manchester United" - Ryan Giggs.
"You are very different now, since you've played for England - you never used to be like this" - Mark Clattenburg wasn't angry with Adam Lallana, just very disappointed.