It's not big or clever, but it might just get you through a day which is either wonderful or terrifying, depending on your taste. Pull up a chair, and unlock the booze cupboard...
Here is a full list of summer transfers in 2015. It's getting very busy now...
"I have managed in games at Old Trafford before and know what an incredible arena it is and how passionate and knowledgeable the fans are. This club has big ambitions; I too have big ambitions. Together I'm sure we will make history" - Louis van Gaal sounds a little more sure of himself at Manchester United than David Moyes was.
"Entertainment value, contrary to what some people say and think, is high on my list and always has been because this is an entertainment business" - Sam Allardyce holds onto his West Ham job, with caveats included.
"These exchanges do not reflect my views towards women in football, the workplace or in general. It is something that will never be repeated" - Richard Scudamore is full of regret after keeping his job as Premier League chief executive.
"The political situation is difficult. The situation worries me. There has been sufficient time to bring the stadiums to completion. It's unacceptable. It is a disgrace" - Sounds like Pele is looking forward to the World Cup.
"Both teams have got pros and cons but I think they're the favourites and the bookmakers make them the favourites" - Harry Redknapp on the play-off final. QPR's pros seem to be spending a s**t tonne of money.
"I'll tell you something. I won't be taking a bloody brolly" - Steve McClaren remembers the ghosts of Wembley appearances past.
"We would throw him, but not catch him back" - Roy Keane responds well to a question about giving Alex Ferguson the birthday bumps.
"I'm not saying Wayne needs to be dropped but if form doesn't get up to scratch in the warm-ups, or in the first game of the World Cup, it'll be interesting to see if the England management team has the balls to make that decision" - Paul Scholes on Wayne Rooney
"[Luis] Suarez trained with discomfort and it was decided to have an MRI scan. There are very high chances there will be a surgical intervention" - Uruguayan FA member Roberto Pastoriza gave all of England extra World Cup hope.
"Yaya is so upset, he is thinking of leaving City. City have treated him with disrespect and have really hurt him. None of them shook his hand on his birthday. It's really sick" - Yaya Toure's agent Dimitri Seluk asks us to try and find the world's smallest violin for his reported £220,000-a-week client.
"Understand Alice has been given a new hairband by his office to ensure he feels loved on his birthday, no news on job for life yet" - Neil Custis of The Sun sticks the boot into the Mirror's Ollie Holt on his birthday. Meow.
"Ed Woodward has an awful lot to prove this time that he's good enough at his job." Paul Scholes sticks the boot in on United executive vice-chairman Ed Woodward.
"Contrary to what a puppet says about my age, I am still physically fit. At 33, I feel real good" - One imagines that Samuel Eto'o isn't intending to play under Jose Mourinho at Chelsea next season.
"It [this season] definitely wasn't great. I think it is because the manager doesn't think that I'm good enough. I'm no one's third choice" - Not every Liverpool player enjoyed their memorable season, as Daniel Agger shows.