He would report all-out nuclear war and a Victor Moses loan deal with the same degree of hyperbole. Our man Johnny is still recovering from TDD...
1) Which Phil, Philip, Filipe etc scored the most goals in the Premier League last season?
2) Who are the only other two Phils to score in the English top flight last season?
Phil Bardsley and Phil Jones.
3) Kevin Phillips has played in the Premier League for which five clubs?
Sunderland, Southampton, Aston Villa, Birmingham and Crystal Palace.
4) Which Phil lobbed Peter Schmeichel in Newcastle's 5-0 win over Manchester United in 1996?
5) Along with Bardsley, which other two Phils have joined Premier League clubs this summer?
Phillipe Senderos (Aston Villa) and Filipe Luís (Chelsea).
6) Which former Barcelona Phil played for Fulham between 2005 and 2008?
7) Which Phil was in the World Cup All-Star team in three successive tournaments?
8) Which Phil is the current manager of PSV Eindhoven?
9) Which Phil is the second all-time most prolific goalscorer in European club competitions after Raul?
10) Who was the first Phil to manage in the Premier League (he took over in October 1993)?
11) Who was the last Phil to manage in the Premier League (he was sacked in March 2010)?
12) 'Sit down Pinocchio': Name the Phil.
13) Which Phil was the highest-paid football manager in the world in 2009/10?
Big Phil: Luiz Felipe Scolari.
14) Name all four Phils who have played over 20 times for England.
Phil Neville, Phil Neal, Phil Thompson and Phil Jagielka.
15) Name either of the Phils capped by the Republic of Ireland.
Phil Babb (35 caps) or Phil Kelly (5 caps in 1960/61)
16) How many Ls are there in Philip Cornwall?
17) Apart from Babb and Coutinho, name the only other Phil to play for Liverpool in the Premier League.
18) Who was the only Phil on the pitch during the 2012 FA Cup final?
Referee Phil Dowd.
19) Which Phil scored five goals in 31 PL games for Leeds United?
20) Which Phil was sent off in the 2010 World Cup quarter-finals?