He would report all-out nuclear war and a Victor Moses loan deal with the same degree of hyperbole. Our man Johnny is still recovering from TDD...
* Arsenal have not won any of their eight Premier League games without Mikel Arteta this season.
* Arsenal have gained 21 points from losing positions this season - the most in the Premier League.
* With 13, Arsenal have conceded the most goals thanks to individual errors in Europe's top five divisions this season.
* Villa have lost 22 points from winning positions this season - the most in the Premier League.
* Assuming you include Shay Given, Alex McLeish used nine defenders in their 1-1 draw with Tottenham on Sunday.
* Villa have scored just eight goals and won once in 11 PL games since Darren Bent's injury in February.
* Blackburn have only had seven shots on target in their last four Premier League games.
* At 57%, Paul Robinson has the lowest shots-to-save ratio of any Premier League goalkeeper.
* Along with Manchesters City and United, Blackburn have scored the most goals from set-pieces in the Premier League this season with 18.
* Bolton have picked up just 13 of their 35 points this season against teams outside the bottom six.
* Bolton are one of three teams not to have lost a game they have been leading - Manchester United and Fulham are the other two.
* Martin Petrov has been Bolton's most creative player this season with two 'key passes' per game.
* Chelsea have won only four of 18 PL games against top-half sides this season.
* Florent Malouda played six of Chelsea's seven 'key passes' v Liverpool on Tuesday night.
* Defensive pair John Terry and Branislav Ivanovic failed to win a single 'aerial duel' at Anfield.
* Only Wigan, Newcastle and Manchester City have accumulated more points than Everton (16) over the last eight matches.
* Over the season, they have an identical scoring record to Liverpool: F47 A39.
* Marouane Fellaini failed to hit the target with any of his five attempts v Wolves on Sunday.
* Fulham are the only team in the Premier League not to have had a player sent off this season.
* Fulham are just one win away from their highest ever Premier League points finish.
* Moussa Dembélé's average pass completion rate this season has been an impressive 88.5%.
* Luis Suarez and Andy Carroll have taken a total of 210 shots in the Premier League this season but scored only 15 goals in total at the rate of a goal every 14 shots.
* Carroll won more aerial duels (7) v Chelsea than the whole of the Blues team put together.
* Stewart Downing has now had 72 shots without scoring in the Premier League this season - more than any other player.
* City have won the six PL games Carlos Tevez has started this season with an aggregate score of 20-1.
* Sergio Agüero has now matched Wayne Rooney with a combined total of 30 PL goals and assists this season. Robin van Persie leads the list with a combined 40.
* Only one of Yaya Toure's six PL goals this season has been scored in the first half.
* Manchester United have won 22 of the 23 PL games they were winning at half-time this season.
* This season Wayne Rooney has scored a goal every 5.84 shots, Javier Hernandez every 4.7 shots, Danny Welbeck every 8.89 shots and Dimitar Berbatov every 2.29 shots.
* Patrice Evra made a season-high ten tackles v Swansea City on Sunday.
* Newcastle United
* Newcastle have picked up just four points from losing positions this season - only Manchester United have a worse record.
* Newcastle are the only team not to score an own goal all season.
* Demba Ba has failed to score from 42 shots in his last 13 Premier League games.
* Norwich only had four shots on target against Arsenal - three of them were goals.
* Grant Holt has now scored against the top eight sides in the Premier League.
* Wes Hoolahan scored four and created seven goals from 24 starts this season, recording an 86% pass completion rate, but that wasn't enough to be named in Giovanni Trapattoni's Euro 2012 squad.
* QPR have won their last five home games with an aggregate score of 10-3.
* They lie in 13th of a table constructed of matches since Mark Hughes took over - above Norwich, Bolton and Liverpool.
* Nedum Onuoha was successful with all nine of his attempted clearances v Stoke on Sunday.
* Stoke City
* Over the season, Stoke have the lowest pass completion rate (69.6%), the lowest average possession (39.6%) and the fewest shots on goal (average 9.7 a game) but could still finish in 11th.
* They have managed only 1.7 shots on target per away game this season.
* Victory in their final game of the season would match their 47-point haul from 2009/10.
* Sunderland have picked up just 12 points from their last 13 PL games. Only Aston Villa and Wolves have been worse over that period.
* That's just one more point than the '11 points in 13 games' season start that got Steve Bruce the sack.
* Stephane Sessegnon has managed just three shots on target in his last 12 Premier League games.
* Swansea have picked up exactly the same points against top-half opposition (22) than fellow members of the bottom ten this season.
* Gylfi Sigurdsson has taken an average of four shots per game since his arrival in January. That's a higher average than Manchester City's Sergio Agüero.
* Joe Allen's 96% pass completion rate matched Paul Scholes at Old Trafford on Sunday.
* Newcastle are the only top-half side Tottenham have beaten since mid-January.
* Spurs had 19 corners against Aston Villa, which is the most in a Premier League game this season. They still didn't score from one, despite Villa conceding the most goals from corners in the division.
* Gareth Bale has taken 54 shots in his last 13 PL games without scoring.
* West Brom need just a point v Arsenal on Sunday to beat their best Premier League points total of 47.
* Chris Brunt has recorded the most West Brom assists this season (6) despite starting only 25 PL games.
* The Baggies' second-half record is the best outside the top seven.
Wigan are top of a PL table constructed from the last eight games with a phenomenal 18 points.
* Joint top scorer Victor Moses has taken 16.83 shots to score each of his six goals this season.
* Wigan won 86% of aerial duels v Blackburn, with Maynor Figueroa beating Blackburn's strikers seven times.
* Wayne Hennessey has hit the most accurate long balls in the Premier League this season with 377 over 34 games.
* Hennessey has also made the most saves in the PL this season with 165.
* Karl Henry made five tackles, seven interceptions and recorded a 93% pass completion rate v Everton on Sunday.