He would report all-out nuclear war and a Victor Moses loan deal with the same degree of hyperbole. Our man Johnny is still recovering from TDD...
Manchester City aren't being criticised enough for their spending. Also, the David De Gea situation is explained in full and we have a running Winners and Losers table.
If you've read this, you'll know that I've decided to avoid Blackburn Rovers home games this season given the severe mismanagement of the club since Venkys arrival. As Rovers battled to a 1-0 win over Hull on Wednesday in front of the lowest league crowd at Ewood Park since 1993, I was sitting at home, trying to decide what was more frustrating: missing the first game of the new season or listening to Phil Brown and Robbie Savage discuss their tanning techniques.
With Blackburn hosting Leicester on Saturday, I was considering taking a long walk in the woods rather than listen to another 90 minutes of Savage informing everyone that Championship teams need "good players" to get back to the Premier League. However, the good people of Manchester United have stepped in and kindly invited me to watch Robin van Persie's first match at Old Trafford against Fulham.
Not only will I be able to enjoy seeing how Sir Alex Ferguson tweaks his front line after the 1-0 defeat to Everton on Monday, I'm being treated to the entire works, with the Manchester United Matchday VIP experience.
My usual 'VIP' experience at Blackburn matches is to treat myself to a cup of hot Bovril as well as a half-time pie, so naturally I'm rather looking forward to enjoying the pre-match entertainment at one of the biggest clubs in the world. Hopefully I'll work out which fork to use at dinner and how to pronounce canapés.
It will also be interesting to meet one of the players and listen to their thoughts on the title race, but Sarah Winterburn has warned me not to embarrass myself by asking for an autograph.
Anyway, I'll be reporting back on the experience on Monday. And if you're interested in hearing my thoughts during the day (hopefully I won't get too drunk), you can always follow me on Twitter.