It's not big or clever, but it might just get you through a day which is either wonderful or terrifying, depending on your taste. Pull up a chair, and unlock the booze cupboard...
A bumper Winners and Losers that is dominated by some high-profile casualties. Serious questions must now be asked by four of last season's top six. Which is mental...
* Santiago Cazorla has made 35 chances for his Arsenal teammates this season. Next on the creative list is Lukas Podolski with just 14.
* The Gunners made only ten tackles to Manchester United's 22 on Saturday.
* Per Mertesacker was effective with seven of eight clearances v United and also contributed a tackle, an interception and a blocked shot. Thomas Vermaelen succeeeded with two out of five attempted clearances and made no tackles, interceptions or blocks.
* Gabriel Agbonlahor failed to score in 28 PL appearances before his goal v Sunderland on Saturday.
* Christian Benteke won ten aerial duels v Sunderland - including one for the assist on Agbonlahor's goal.
* Barry Bannan (3) is second only to Leighton Baines (4) in the 'accurate crosses per game' stats this season. Bannan found a teammate with seven of his eight crosses v Sunderland.
* Eden Hazard is the most fouled player in the PL this season with 2.9 fouls committed against him per game.
* Oscar made more tackles (4) than any pther Chelsea player v Swansea on Saturday. Defensive midfielder Oriel Roemu made none in his 45 minutes.
* Gary Cahill has the best pass completion rate (92%) of any Chelsea player in the PL this season.
* Everton have taken more shots (200) than any other PL team this season and attempted 27 v Fulham on Saturday.
* The Toffees tried a massive 40 crosses on Saturday v Fulham - with 11 reaching a teammate.
* Five of Everton's players (Leighton Baines, Phil Jagielka, Leon Osman, Tim Howard and Phil Neville) have started every PL game this season.
* Fulham have thrown away 12 points from winning positions this season - more than any other side.
* Fulham have scored more goals (21) than every other PL team barring Manchester United and Chelsea.
* The Cottagers have scored a goal every seven shots this season. Everton have scored a goal every 10.5 shots and Liverpool a goal every 14 shots.
* Luis Suarez was unsuccessful with ten dribble attempts v Newcastle - the most by a player in any game across Europe's top five leagues this season.
* The Reds attempted 37 crosses v Newcastle but only one (from Stewart Downing) reached a teammate. Steven Gerrard failed with 12 crosses.
* Only Eden Hazard (29) has been fouled more times than Raheem Sterling (25) in the PL this season.
* Mario Balotelli has taken more shots (26) than any other PL player without scoring this season. All five of his shots v West Ham on Saturday were off-target.
* Carlos Tévez created five chances for his City teammates at Upton Park but none were taken.
* City have scored exactly half as many goals (18) as the same stage last season (36).
* Only Sunderland (23.6) have attempted more tackles per game than Manchester United (22) this season. Rafael tops the tackle charts with 31.
* Wayne Rooney made four tackles and five interceptions as well as claiming an assist on Saturday v Arsenal.
* Robin van Persie has scored a phenomenal 56 goals in 73 PL games since the start of the 2010/11 season.
* Newcastle United
* Demba Ba has scored the most number of PL games this season (7) of any player without registering an assist.
* Newcastle were out-tackled 27 v 26 by Liverpool on Sunday.
* All Newcastle's 12 PL goals this season have been scored by French speakers.
* Norwich's eight PL goals this season have been scored by six different players.
* Norwich had only 44% possession at home to Stoke but had 14 shots to the Potters' nine.
* John Ruddy has the worst pass completion rate in the PL at 33.7%.
* QPR have averaged more possession (49.7%) than Tottenham (49.3%) this season.
* Djibril Cissé completed only ten passes v Reading but four of them created shooting opportunities for teammates.
* Anton Ferdinand made four interceptions, three shot blocks and ten effective clearances v Reading.
* Reading have thrown away 11 points from winning positions this season.
* Reading have dropped below Stoke in the pass completion stakes this season with an average of 68.5%.
* Nicky Shorey created six scoring chances with his crosses from left-back v QPR.
* Eight of the ten teams Southampton have faced this season are currently in the top half of the table. They have picked up one point from those eight games.
* Five Saints players (Maya Yoshida, Morgan Schneiderlin, Steven Davis, Jose Fonte and Daniel Fox) all made more passes than any West Brom player on Monday night but they still lost 2-0.
* Gastón Ramírez has reached a teammate with four of his seven crosses so far this season.
* Stoke City
* Stoke have not won a PL game away from home to a team currently in the top flight since they won at Everton in December 2011.
* Stoke have not won any of their last 14 away games in the PL and have scored just eight goals in those games.
* Only two players have been credited with a Stoke goal assist by Opta this season - Glenn Whelan and Jonathan Walters.
* Sunderland have recorded just 12 shots on target in nine games this season. They have managed none in their last two games v Stoke and Aston Villa (Lee Cattermole's shot v Villa was apparently voided by an offside call after it touched Fraizer Campbell on its way towards goal).
* Adam Johnson has attempted a total of 24 crosses in his last two games and only two have reached a teammate.
* Sunderland make more tackles per game (23.6) than any other team in the Premier League.
* Mikel Arteta is the only midfielder to have a better pass completion rate (93.2%) than Ki Sung-Yueng (92.9%) this season.
* Swansea have three (Pablo Hernandez, Ki Sung-Yueng and Angel Rangel) of the top six players of through balls in the PL this season.
* Swansea have scored 11 of their 15 goals after the break this season.
*Gareth Bale put in 20 inaccurate crosses v Wigan - the most by a player in any one game across all Europe's top five leagues this season.
* Jermain Defoe had completed five passes and no shots in 58 minutes on the pitch v Wigan.
* Only Manchester City and Arsenal have allowed fewer shots from the opposition than Tottenham (103) this season.
* West Brom have the best home record in the PL this season, picking up 15 points at The Hawthorns.
* The Baggies had just 43% possession v Southampton on Monday night and have averaged just 44% all season.
* Youssuf Mulumbu was successful with eight of his nine long balls v Saints on Monday.
* Andy Carroll has played 426 minutes for West Ham without scoring on loan from Liverpool.
* He has not managed a single shot on target in his last three PL appearances v Southampton, Wigan and Manchester City.
* Only Stoke (26.7) have won more aerial duels per game this season than West Ham (23.4).
* Wigan have scored five more goals and amassed six more points than the same stage last season.
* They have picked up an impressive seven points in six games against top-half sides.
* Goalscorer Ben Watson also made five tackles and six interceptions v Tottenham at White Hart Lane.