F365's 20 Transfer Window Wishes...

It hasn't been the most exciting Janaury transfer window so far, but we're looking forward to a final week of fun and games. Here's a list of things we hope will happen...

Last Updated: 24/01/13 at 16:31 Post Comment

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* It's revealed that Mohamed Diame's release clause dictates that any bidder must provide a scarf dance for Sam Allardyce. Arsene Wenger reluctantly agrees. Now he really knows.

* Jim White loses his voice and is forced to present deadline day with a series of flash cards.

* Gary Cotterill completely loses it and kicks one of the urchins gathered at Spurs Lodge.

* A terrible mix-up sees Newcastle sign a wolf's penis for £7million.

* Southampton offer Anderlecht £6million for Lucas Biglia, but it turns out the prince of transfer rumours doesn't actually exist. Nicola Cortese releases a statement blaming Nigel Atkins. An exasperated Nigel Adkins screams at the TV "It's ADkins, for Christ's sake. ADkins."

* David Villa rejects Arsenal to join Aston Villa in a sensational £15million move. Clutching a teddy bear at his unveiling, he giggles: "My name's Villa and their name's Villa. Tee hee."

* At 22:55 on the 31st, Man City staff in the Etihad stadium are startled by the shrill neigh of a horse. They look through the window to see a naked Garry Cook riding a stallion through a wall of flames with Kaka strapped to the steed's back. "How are you brother?" screams Cook. "I've got him. I've finally got him."

* Man City accept a bid from Reading for Scott Sinclair, but the winger rejects the move and tries to convince everyone that he and David Silva are the real SAS. Silva has to ask who Sinclair is.

* Ian McGarry correctly predicts a major transfer.

* Daniel Levy sells Zeki Fryers to Manchester United for £16million before buying him back an hour later for £150,000. No-one can explain how the transfer transpired, but David Gill is found in his office sobbing and mumbling 'black magic' over and over.

* Newcastle fans continue to jeer Alan Pardew, but in his post-match interview he claims supporters were shouting 'Boooooulangerie' to celebrate the club's new French legion.

* It turns out Yoann Gouffran isn't French after all. Graham Carr kneecaps him.

* Sebastian Squillaci bursts into Arsene Wenger's press conference on the back of a Shetland pony cackling "I'm still here! I'm still here!" He departs sheepishly after Wenger shouts "Please Sebastian, what have I told you?"

* Swansea sign Kenwyne Jones from Stoke. At the striker's unveiling, Michael Laudrup begins to pull at his face, tearing the skin. A sprout of red hair sticks out, and then a Scottish nostril, before eventually the mask is completely ripped apart to reveal a grinning Alex McLeish. "You can never escape me!" he roars, before running outside and flying away in a hot air balloon.

* Sunderland agree a deal for Danny Graham but pull out of the transfer after a medical reveals he has 'weird nipples'.

* Norwich agree a £6million fee for Gary Hooper.

* Harry Redknapp, dressed head-to-toe in cowboy gear, waddles over to greet reporters at the gate to QPR's training ground. "Well hey there purdy ladies," he says suggestively. "Harry?" asks one of the startled journalists. "That's right. H-A-R-R-Y. The H is silent."

* Arsene Wenger celebrates a double swoop after signing South African striker Two-Boys Gumede.

* Liverpool sell Andy Carroll to Tesco. LOL. Coz he's like a horse!

* Sir Alex Ferguson signs Victor Wanyama "to fix the right-wing problem".

Matt Stanger - he's on the Twitter.

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e made his power play to try and get Sheikhy to raise his wages or trade him to PSG. PSG were probably not interested and he is stuck with no cake and no vacation. @Jay_D> Surely you jest about FFP being real, right? All Platini is doing is making billionaries pay measly fines, so he and his cronies can get rich. If a fool can pay 50 mil for David Luiz, he will happily pay some fine to UEFA. FFP has failed as for it to succeed UEFA had to take it...

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Toure: I am staying with City

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uess we can expect Toure's explanation of his behaviour around the same time Pete Townshend publishes his book then.

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amn you Yaya, don't scare me like that! I only ate the icing. I didn't eat the soft and scrumptious middle - I will buy you another cake!

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Toure: I am staying with City

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