He would report all-out nuclear war and a Victor Moses loan deal with the same degree of hyperbole. Our man Johnny is still recovering from TDD...
Manchester City aren't being criticised enough for their spending. Also, the David De Gea situation is explained in full and we have a running Winners and Losers table.
* Against Reading, Aston Villa won a game from behind in the Premier League for the first time since January 2012 v Wolves.
* Christian Benteke has scored eight goals in 11 games in all competitions in 2013.
* Villa have lost only one of the last six PL games started by Ron Vlaar. On Saturday v Reading he made six interceptions and attempted a massive 21 clearances.
* According to Opta's Duncan Alexander, Liverpool PL conversion rate by season (2006-07 to 2012-13) is as follows: 10.6%, 12.5%, 13.5%, 13.3%, 13.6%, 9.1%, 14.0%.
* Liverpool's form over the last ten games (20 points) is bettered only by Manchester United (25) and Tottenham (21).
* Stewart Downing's pass completion rate v Tottenham was an impressive 96%. Philippe Coutinho recorded a rather-less-impressive 47% rate.
* Newcastle United
* Newcastle United have picked up more points at home this season (25) than any club outside the top eight. Victory over Stoke brought their third successive win at St James' Park.
* Newcastle have won three of six PL games started by Yohan Cabaye and Cheick Tiote this season. They have won just six of the other 23 PL games.
* Sylvain Marveaux has recorded more assists this season (4) than any other Newcastle player, despite starting only seven PL games.
* Norwich have scored in only two of their last eight Premier League games.
* Norwich and Torino have drawn more games 0-0 (six) than any other team in the big five European leagues this season.
* They recorded a pass completion rate of just 60% v Southampton on Saturday. Their season average is 74%.
* QPR's four PL wins this season have all come in games they were drawing at half-time. Their second-half record is actually better than six teams including Newcastle and West Ham.
* Loïc Remy has scored three goals from just ten shots in the Premier League.
* Andros Townsend found a teammate with three of his four crosses v Sunderland and claimed a goal and an assist.
* Reading recorded a woeful 64% pass success rate v Aston Villa. Alex Pearce, Noel Hunt, Nick Blackman and Styart Taylor all failed with more than half of their passes.
* Reading have thrown away a massive 23 points from winning positions this season.
* Hal Robson-Kanu was dispossessed seven times by Villa players on Saturday.
* The Saints have won only one of ten games this season (v Reading) they were drawing at half-time.
* Gastón Ramírez, Adam Lallana, Jay Rodriguez, Maya Yoshida, Jose Fonte and Morgan Schneiderlin attempted a total of 19 crosses v Norwich on Saturday without finding a teammate.
* They had 59% possession and 15 shots at Norwich but still failed to score.
* Stoke have picked up just four points from their last eight games - the worst record in the Premier League.
* They have scored just nine goals in 15 away games this season, including two penalties and an own goal.
* Peter Crouch has scored one goal in his last 20 PL games.
* Stéphane Sessegnon has completed 54 of 55 attempted passes in his last two PL games.
* Danny Graham has completed a total of 14 passes in his last two PL appearances for Sunderland.
* Sunderland have picked up just two points from their last six games - the worst record in the Premier League.
* Swansea City
* Swansea's away form (two points from five games) is only better than Norwich and Stoke City.
* Only five of Michu's 15 PL goals have been scored away from the Liberty Stadium.
* Ki Sung-Yueng has now taken 36 shots without scoring - the most in the Premier League.
* Both Gareth Bale's PL assists this season have come against Liverpool. He created five chances on Sunday.
* Only Fulham (20), Reading (23) and Southampton (27) have thrown away more points from winning positions than Spurs (20) this season.
* Spurs made a massive 32 tackles v Liverpool on Sunday. Kyle Walker and Jan Vertonghen made seven each. Gareth Bale and Jermain Defoe were the only outfield players not to make a single tackle.
* West Brom's home points haul (29) is only bettered by Manchester United (39) and Manchester City (33).
* Romelu Lukaku has scored 13 goals from just 71 shots this season. Gareth Bale has taken 122 shots to score 16 goals.
* Claudio Yacob made five tackles and eight interceptions v Swansea on Saturday.