Liverpool, Arsenal, Spurs and Everton - every potential top four challenger seems to be dealing in one step forward, two more back. Can anyone rise above these false dawns?
The boys try and take a look at Alan Irvine's appearances on TV but keep dropping off. Never before has a man been too dull to even use cliches. It's not good...
* Arsenal's win over Swansea was their first against a team currently in the top half since they beat West Brom on December 8.
* Santi Cazorla recorded a 93% pass completion rate v Swansea on Saturday and created five chances that were not taken by his Arsenal teammates.
* If games ended at half-time, Arsenal would be 12th below Aston Villa and Sunderland.
* Aston Villa have won two consecutive PL games from behind v Reading and QPR after waiting since January 2012 for that to happen once.
* Christian Benteke has scored a massive 42% of Villa's goals this season.
* Ashley Westwood's 97% pass completion rate v QPR included nine from nine accurate long balls.
* Juan Mata is the first PL player to log ten goals and ten assists this season.
* Eden Hazard's performance v West Ham featured a goal, an assist, four shots on target, four key passes and six successful dribbles.
* Fernando Torres has scored a PL goal every 294 minutes for Chelsea this season. Demba Ba's record is a PL goal every 240 minutes for Chelsea.
* Nikica Jelavic ended 840 minutes of PL football without a goal when he scored against Manchester City on Saturday.
* Everton made 26 interceptions against City, with Darron Gibson leading the charts with seven.
* Only the Premier League's top three teams have a better home record than Everton (30 points from 15 games).
* Fulham had won just once in their last 42 away league London derbies before beating Tottenham on Sunday.
* Fulham made 21 tackles to Tottenham's 13 on Sunday but right-back Sascha Riether did not make a single one.
* Dimitar Berbatov has provided six of Fulham's 10 shots on target in their last three games v Stoke, Sunderland and Tottenham.
* Philippe Coutinho has notched two goals and two assists in five PL appearances for Liverpool. That's the same record as Raheem Sterling in 23 PL games.
* Glen Johnson played four of Liverpool's seven key passes on Saturday v Southampton.
* Daniel Sturridge's 84 minutes v Southampton included just 13 completed passes, four shots (three off target) and four offsides.
* David Silva has created 21 chances in his last three games v Chelsea, Villa and Everton.
* James Milner attempted four crosses and four long passes v Everton and failed to find a teammate once.
* City have only won twice in their last 12 visits to Goodison Park in the Premier League.
* Wayne Rooney has now scored or assisted 21 goals in 21 Premier League appearances for Man Utd this season.
* Manchester United have dropped just three points from a possible 48 against bottom-half opposition this season.
* Rio Ferdinand recorded a PL assist v Reading on Saturday for the first time since September 2007.
* Newcastle United
* Only Reading have a worse away record than Newcastle United this season. They have won just once in 15 games away from St. James'.
* Only one of Newcastle's 41 PL goals this season has been scored by an Englishman.
* Papiss Cisse had five shots on Sunday v Wigan and failed to hit the target once.
* A Norwich striker has scored in only one of their last 14 PL games.
* Along with Stoke, they have drawn more games (13) than any other PL side.
* Wes Hoolahan had a 100% pass completion rate and a goal v Sunderland before he was substituted.
* QPR take more shots per game (12.9) than eight other PL clubs and yet have scored the least goals.
* Andros Townsend has scored or assisted three PL goals in five games. Only Adel Taarabt and Bobby Zamora have contributed more to QPR's season.
* Christopher Samba has hit the target with six of his ten goal attempts since joining QPR but is yet to score.
* Reading did not manage a single shot on target at Manchester United on Saturday.
* Reading have the fewest shots per game (9.6), the lowest average possession (39.8%) and the lowest pass completion rate (69.2%) in the Premier League.
* They have picked up just five points from 14 games away from home this season.
* Southampton have scored more goals (42) than any other team outside the top seven.
* Jay Rodriguez took more shots than any other PL player this weekend with eight.
* Morgan Schneiderlin has made more tackles (121) and interceptions (112) than any other PL player this season.
* Stoke have picked up just five points from their last eight games - the worst record in the Premier League.
* They have averaged just three shots on target per game this season. They managed just one v West Brom on Saturday.
* Charlie Adam came on the pitch for 14 minutes v West Brom and shot off target four times.
* Steven Fletcher had 27 touches and no shots v Norwich despite playing against ten men for 65 minutes.
* They attempted 33 crosses v Norwich but only three reached a teammate.
* Sunderland have picked up just three points from their last seven games - the worst record in the Premier League.
* Swansea City
* Swansea did not manage a single shot on target v Arsenal on Saturday.
* Michu has not had a single shot on target in any of his last three PL games.
* He has scored 38% of Swansea's goals this season. Only christian Benteke and Luis Suarez has scored a higher proportion of their team's goals.
* Tottenham are currently a point worse off than the same stage last season (54 v 55) under Harry Redknapp. They have scored fewer and conceded more goals.
* Gylfi Sigurdsson and his replacement Jermain Defoe both recorded a 100% pass completion rate v Fulham.
* Defoe had only seven touches in 28 minutes but two were on-target shots.
* Peter Odemwingie had the same number of on-target shots (2) in 23 minutes as the rest of his teammates put together in 90 minutes.
* Only Aston Villa and QPR have attempted fewer crosses per game than West Brom (20) this season.
* West Brom have conceded just three goals in five PL games since Claudio Yacob and Youssuf Mulumbu were reunited in midfield.
* West Ham have scored only nine goals in 15 away games this season - the same has Stoke.
* Matthew Jarvis found a teammate with five of his eight attempted crosses v Chelsea on Sunday.
* Andy Carroll and Jarvis have both created 1.4 chances per game for West Ham this season (the same as Christian Benteke and Antonio Valencia) but neither have been credited with an assist.
* Wigan's record v bottom-half sides (22 from 14) is better than any other team outside the top nine.
* Arouna Koné has scored five goals in his last seven PL games.
* The Latics are five points better off than the same stage last season (27 v 22) having scored ten more goals (35 v 25).