He would report all-out nuclear war and a Victor Moses loan deal with the same degree of hyperbole. Our man Johnny is still recovering from TDD...
Manchester City aren't being criticised enough for their spending. Also, the David De Gea situation is explained in full and we have a running Winners and Losers table.
*Lukas Podolski has only completed 90 minutes twice in the league this season.
* Arsenal didn't have a single off-target shot against QPR - seven were on target and five were blocked.
* Theo Walcott attempted 19 passes - of the players who started the game, only Rob Green tried fewer.
* The eight goals scored by Villa in their last two games represent 18% of their goals over the season.
* By beating Norwich, Villa won back-to-back games for just the second time this season. They have yet to win three in-a-row.
* Aston Villa have scored 14.3% of their goals from counter-attacks - the highest ratio in the Premier League.
*Rafa Benitez has won four of his last five games against Manchester United. His total record against them reads - played 14, won five, drawn one and lost eight.
* Fernando Torres has now gone 1,011 minutes (16 hours, 51 minutes) without scoring a Premier League goal.
* Chelsea recorded two shots on target against Manchester United, neither of which was their goal.
* Marouane Fellaini committed his 77th and 78th fouls of the season on Sunday - the most in the Premier League by a single player.
* Leon Osman completed his 57th and 58th dribbles on Sunday - the most in the Premier League by a single player.
* Leighton Baines delivered his 100th accurate cross of the season against Liverpool.
* Fulham are yet to win a game after going behind this season, picking up only five draws from losing positions.
* Despite not starting the game, Hugo Rodallega managed seven shots on goal against Reading.
* Damien Duff touched the ball only 24 times in his 71 minutes on the pitch. Giorgos Karagounis managed 23 in 28 minutes.
*Jose Enrique lost possession 31 times against Everton, more than anyone else on the pitch.
* Liverpool have taken the most shots per game (19.2) than any team in the top five divisions in Europe.
* Only two players (Torino's Matteo Darmian and Napoli's Valon Behrami) have made more tackles per game than Lucas this season, with five.
* Manchester City have lost the same number of games as they had at the same stage last season, but are eight points worse off.
* Edin Dzeko has scored only one goal that has made any difference to a Manchester City result since the turn of the year.
* However Dzeko did have more shots than any other City player against Swansea, despite only being on the pitch for 45 minutes.
*The blank on Sunday ended a run of 66 matches in which Manchester United have scored at Old Trafford.
* Michael Carrick has attempted exactly 2,600 passes this season.
* Sunday was only the third time United have failed to score in the league this season.
* Demba Ba is still Newcastle's top league goal scorer, by five goals.
*Hatem Ben Arfa has been dispossesed more times per game (average of 2.9) than any other player in the Premier League.
* The last time an Englishman scored for Newcastle in the league was on December 26, when James Perch scored against Manchester United.
* Exactly half of Grant Holt's passes found their target against Aston Villa.
* Norwich have scored 16 fewer goals than at the same stage last season.
*With 72%, Norwich v Aston Villa recorded the lowest collective pass completion rate of the weekend.
*QPR have won only one game this season against teams in the top half of the table.
* Andros Townsend attempted nine crosses against Arsenal. None of them found their target.
* QPR have the lowest-scoring top-scorer(s) in the Premier League - Loic Remy and Adel Taarabt have five each.
* Reading have allowed more shots per game (18.2) than any side in the Europe's top five leagues.
* Reading waited until their relegation was confirmed to score four goals in a game for the first time this season.
* Saturday was just the second time this season that Reading have held onto a half time lead to win.
* Southampton have made the most tackles (785) in the Premier League this season.
* Gareth Bale's winner was the first shot on target Southampton allowed against Spurs.
* Southampton have failed to score in their last 301 minutes in the Premier League.
* Stoke have committed more fouls per game (12.9) than any other side in the Premier League, but they're 72nd on the list of sides across Europe.
* Craig Gardner was the first player to be sent off against Stoke in the Premier League since Wigan's Gary Caldwell in December 2011.
* Peter Crouch scored four goals in his first six Premier League appearances this season, but has managed only two goals in the following 26 matches.
* Sunderland had no players sent off in their first 31 games of the season. They've now had two dismissed in their first five games under Paolo Di Canio.
* Sunderland had the same number of shots on target as Stoke (three) on Monday, despite playing an hour with ten men.
* Danny Graham's Sunderland goal drought currently stands at 774 minutes.
* Only QPR and Reading have a worse record than Swansea over the last eight games.
* Ashley Williams has blocked more shots than anyone else in Europe's top five leagues.
* Swansea managed only 38% possession against Man City - 18% below their average in the Premier League.
* Gareth Bale's goals have been directly responsible for 22 of Tottenham's 65 points.
* According to OptaJoe, Bale has scored more goals (eight) from outside the box than anyone else in Europe's top five leagues this season.
* Bale's winner was Tottenham's seventh goal in the final ten minutes in 15 games since the turn of the year. Those goals have been responsible for eight points.
* Summer signing Markus Rosenberg hasn't scored in 24 appearances for West Brom this season.
* At 16 years and 117 days, Isaiah Brown became the second youngest player to make a Premier League appearance when he came off the bench on Saturday.
* Shane Long has scored in consecutive Premier League appearances for only the third time in his West Brom career.
* Andy Carroll won the same number of aerial duels (9) as the whole Newcastle team put together on Saturday.
* Kevin Nolan recorded a pass completion rate of just 52% against West Ham. Carroll's was 40%.
* Only four of Andy Carroll's last 19 shots have hit the target.
* According to WhoScored.com, Wigan have fielded their most-used starting eleven on six occasions this season - more times than any other team in Europe's top five leagues.
* Shaun Maloney has more Premier League assists this season (eight) than David Silva (seven), Santi Cazorla (seven), Aaron Lennon (six) and Gareth Bale (four).
* Wigan average more possession than 11 of the teams above them in the Premier League, including Spurs.
Nick Miller - follow him on Twitter