He would report all-out nuclear war and a Victor Moses loan deal with the same degree of hyperbole. Our man Johnny is still recovering from TDD...
Manchester City aren't being criticised enough for their spending. Also, the David De Gea situation is explained in full and we have a running Winners and Losers table.
* Jack Wilshere was fouled eight times v Villa on Saturday. No other player in the PL was fouled more than six times this weekend.
* Aaron Ramsey made more passes (92) than any other player in Arsenal's defeat to Aston Villa. Wilshere made 86.
* Olivier Giroud had six shots v Villa but only one (his goal) hit the target.
* Christian Benteke won a massive 14 aerial duels on Saturday v Arsenal - more than any other player this weekend.
* Benteke has now scored 21 goals in 35 PL games for Villa.
* No PL player recorded more successful dribbles than Fabian Delph (6).
* Cardiff had more possession (56%) and a better pass completion rate (75%) than West Ham.
* Cardiff had 12 shots on Saturday but only one (from Matthew Connolly) hit the target.
* Wide players Craig Bellamy and Peter Whittingham found a teammate with only one of their combined 12 crosses.
* Eden Hazard joined Philippe Coutinho at the top of the 'key passes' chart by creating six chances this weekend.
* Frank Lampard has now scored 166 PL goals (42 of which have been penalties).
* Chelsea's players lost the ball 18 times v Hull purely from having a poor touch.
* Palace's XI that started v Tottenham on Sunday have only scored one Premier League goal (Aaron Wilbraham for Norwich in a 2-1 defeat to Fulham in 2012).
* Wilbraham was caught offside more times (3) than any other PL player this weekend.
* No Palace player created more than one chance for his teammates at Selhurst Park.
* Only Man City (90%) had a better pass accuracy over the weekend than Everton (88.3%), who averaged (79.4%) under David Moyes last season.
* Ross Barkley recorded an impressive 96% pass completion rate and had more shots (4) than any other Everton player v Norwich.
* Leighton Baines created five chances for his teammates but none were taken.
* Fulham won despite spending just 18% of the game in Sunderland's half and scored with their only shot on target.
* Brede Hangeland and Aaron Hughes made 23 clearances in total for Fulham at Sunderland.
* No PL player was dispossessed more times than Dimitar Berbatov (6) this weekend.
* No PL team recorded more successful dribbles (17) than Hull this weekend. Robbie Brady dribbled past Chelsea players five times.
* Ahmed Elmohamady touched the ball more times (110) than any other player during Chelsea v Hull.
* No Hull player created more than one chance for his teammates at Stamford Bridge.
* Liverpool had more shots than any other PL side this weekend with 25 (11 were on target).
* Philippe Coutinho (6) and Iago Aspas (5) created 11 of those chances in total.
* Coutinho matched Lucas Leiva tackle for tackle with six each of Liverpool's 33.
*Edin Dzeko had more shots (8) on Monday than the entire Newcastle team (5).
*Only one of Jesus Navas' ten crosses against Newcastle found a teammate.
*City made more short passes (630) than any other team. Everton were second with 518.
* Since January 2011 Van Persie has scored 76 PL goals - 27 more than any other player.
* Danny Welbeck hit the target with three shots v Swansea. It took him seven PL games last season to hit three on-target shots.
* United enjoyed only 46% possession and a pass completion rate of 82% v Swansea on Saturday.
*Newcastle managed only one shot on target against Man City (from Cheik Tioté).
*Mathieu Debuchy's pass accuracy was a woeful 72% - the worst of any outfield player on Monday night.
*Papiss Cisse conceded possession seven times and didn't manage a single shot.
* Ricky van Wolfswinkel touched the ball just 12 times in 90 minutes v Everton on Saturday.
* Van Wolfswinkel managed to commit seven fouls - more than any other player in the PL this weekend.
* No PL player recorded more successful dribbles than Nathan Redmond (6).
* Southampton played signifcantly more long balls (94) than any other team this weekend. Dejan Lovren (15) and Jose Fonte (11) topped the PL player charts for accurate long balls.
* Fonte made the equal-highest number of clearances (14) in the PL v West Brom.
* James Ward-Prowse matched cross machine Leighton Baines for accurate crosses (5).
* Stoke City
* Steven N'Zonzi made the most tackles of the weekend with nine v Liverpool on Saturday.
* Peter Crouch lost the ball seven times v Liverpool from a poor touch.
* Stoke recorded a pass completion rate of 80% v Liverpool. Last season they averaged 70.2% under Tony Pulis.
* Sunderland have won just two of eight games managed by Paolo Di Canio.
* Adam Johnson created five chances for Sunderland v Fulham but none were taken.
* Cabral had five of Sunderland's 21 shots v Fulham and failed to hit the target once.
* Swansea City
* Swansea had more possession (54%-46%) and more shots (17-14) than Man United on Saturday but still lost 4-1.
* Michu had three of Swansea's four on-target shots v United.
* Ashley Williams was the only one of Swansea's outfield players who failed to make a single tackle v United.
* Spurs attacked down the middle of the pitch less (21%) than any other side in the PL this weekend.
* No player in the PL made more interceptions than Etienne Capoue (6) this weekend despite only being only the pitch for 33 minutes.
* Jan Vertonghen's 90 minutes v Palace featured eight clearances, four interceptions and a 97% pass completion rate.
* The Baggies did not have an on-target shot v Southampton until the 91st minute.
* Nicolas Anelka did not have a single shot or create a single chance in his 83-minute debut.
* Jonas Olsson made the equal-highest number of clearances (14) in the PL this weekend.
* The Hammers recorded the worst pass completion rate of the PL weekend with 70.7%. Momo Diame was accurate with just 50% of his passes.
* Centre-halves Winston Reid and James Collins found a teammate with only nine of their combined 25 long balls.
* Matthew Jarvis finally recorded his first PL assist for West Ham in his 33rd appearance.