With only Liverpool making the Winners list (and even that based only on result), it's been an inauspicious start for the English teams in the Champions League...
Norwich City v Aston Villa
The Lambo Derby. A mid-table match that we expected to be soul-crushingly tedious but actually turns out to be quite the humdinger. Norwich surge into a 2-0 lead through Ricky van Wolfswinkel's bonce and another header from Russell Martin (shudder). But wait, is that Sebastien Bassong pulling up with what looks like a sore groin? Yes, he's definitely clutching his left testicle as he slinks off the pitch. Jonny Howson in the centre of defence? Hughton you madman! Two goals for Christian Benteke follow as well as a red card for Johan Elmander for what is best described as indecent exposure. 2-2.
Liverpool v Southampton
'Outstanding', 'exceptional', 'magnificent' says human tautology lesson Brendan Rodgers after Liverpool churn out another 1-0 victory thanks to dancing Daniel Sturridge. Befuddled try-hard Jordan Henderson clocks up a Premier League record by covering 47 kilometres while Rickie Lambert's first missed penalty in 33 attempts precedes a downward spiral all the way back to the beetroot factory by the time England land in Brazil. "Have you people still not realised I'm a fraud?" asks Mauricio Pochettino through the aid of his interpreter.
Newcastle v Hull
Papiss Cisse's last-minute thunderbastard prompts Alan Pardew to rip off his shirt and hipster specs as he leaps into the crowd screaming "Love me! Love me!". Geordies part like the Red Sea as Pardew crashes on to the seats and bruises his perfectly waxed tit. Steve Bruce takes the moral high ground before blaming "that little c**t of a ballboy" for the loss.
West Brom v Sunderland
West Brom take the lead through £6million steal Victor Anichebe before John O'Shea's arse equalises with ten minutes remaining as Paolo Di Canio screams obscenities from his seat in the stands. But it's zero points for both teams as the Premier League refuses to acknowledge the brand-harming borefest at the Hawthorns. "Are West Bromwich Albion even a real team?" asks Richard Scudamore. "Name me one Indonesian fan."
West Ham v Everton
Inspired by baby-oiled Sam Allardyce's pre-match Haka, the Hammers scramble an early lead through Winston Reid, the least memorable of all Premier League footballers. The next 73 minutes belong to Mark Noble, who hits the post in all his Mark Nobleness and picks up a booking when the ref spots his sly attempt at Mark Nobling his way past Leon Osman. Romelu Lukaku thumps in a late equaliser on his debut, before revealing a printed message on his under-shirt that reads: 'Please stop comparing me to Didier Drogba. Just because we are physically similar it doesn't mean we are the same type of player. I don't like to play with my back to goal as much as he does, for example. Don't take this the wrong way, I appreciate your support but I feel the need to make this polite request. Thanks. Go Toffees."
Chelsea v Fulham
Fulham's elders make the short journey to Stamford Bridge for a match that both teams would happily call a 2-0 home victory before kick-off instead of having to go through with the whole charade. Martin Jol attempts to goad Jose Mourinho by setting up a camping stove and frying an omelette with a menacing grin on his face, but the Fulham boss is left high and dry as six members of his squad decide to retire half-way through a 2-0 defeat. "I despise the lot of you. I'm only here for the money," Mourinho tells journalists in his post-match presser. They chuckle approvingly.
Arsenal v Stoke
Ramsey's revenge over gormless jeering Stokies is made complete by his second goal in a 3-0 victory as Mesut Ozil also opens his account for the rampaging Gunners. After a handbrakey first half, Arsene Wenger's side show 'little bit quality' to leave Mark Hughes questioning football management, life and the universe. "Have I not fallen far enough?" ponders Leslie. "At what point do I just give up? Look at me, I'm a grown man who uses handshakes as a weapon."
Crystal Palace v Swansea
Disaster as the Palace eagle defecates from a great height on to Michael Laudrup's pristine hair. "It's in my mouth," cries the Dane. "I can taste it." Swansea players rush to the manager's aid, needlessly offering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation as fisticuffs ensue. The match eventually starts, with Palace securing another nugatory point on the way to relegation. "It's like the Wacky Races" says madcap hoot-a-minute manager Ian Holloway. "We're Mutley and we're competing with a league of Penelope Pitstops and...Jesus, listen to me. I hate myself. I really do."
Cardiff v Spurs
The Gods of Hermann Hreidarsson and Heidar Helguson are appeased by an Icelandic stalemate as Aron Gunnarsson and Gylfi Sigurdsson share the spoils in a 1-1 draw. Gary Medel breaks Christian Eriksen into a million pieces, but the young Dane is glued back together by the semen of a thousand hipsters.
Manchester City v Manchester United
Stunned by Jesus Navas's piercing blue eyes, Patrice Evra is ripped to shreds by the City winger as Manuel Pellegrini blow-dries his bouffant on the touch line. On the opposite flank, James Milner earnestly attends his vegetable patch, offering turnips at two for a pound and a kilo of parsnips for £1.50. Roy Hodgson nods enthusiastically. Alvaro Negredo's acrobatic winner is enough for City, who lose Gael Clichy to his sheer incomprehension of Milner's vegetable business.
Matt Stanger - he's on the Twitter.