That's the advice from a Liverpool fan who knows a thing or two about joshing from rival fans. Plus, Andy Townsend as eye candy and answers to Martin's question...
These are truly exciting times in Spain. There are three teams who could end the weekend top of the table and there's a very decent chance that Atletico could lead...
* Arsenal are the only side to have scored in all of their Premier League games this season.
* Despite having ten men for nearly a third of the game, Arsenal had 63% of the ball against Crystal Palace.
* Mikel Arteta is the second player this season to have scored and been sent off in the same game. The other was Mark Noble.
* Fabian Delph is the most fouled player in the Premier League, with 28.
* Brad Guzan attempted 20 passes against Everton. 19 of them were long balls.
* Andi Weimann has now attempted ten shots in the last two games without any of them hitting the target.
* Cardiff have allowed the most shots in the Premier League, with 174.
* Gary Medel has still yet to be booked this season.
* Ben Turner made 17 clearances against Norwich, the most by a single player over the weekend.
* Nobody other than the two goalscorers had a shot on target for Chelsea against Manchester City.
* Fernando Torres only attempted 16 passes in 90 minutes.
* Ashley Cole made eight tackles against Manchester City - the next highest by a single player was four.
* Palace had more shots (13) than Arsenal (10) on Saturday.
* Excluding the playoffs, Palace have won just two of their last 19 league games.
* Palace have already used 23 players in nine games this season. They used 29 in the whole of last season.
* Leon Osman was the only Everton player other than Romelu Lukaku to have a shot on target against Aston Villa. It went in.
* Lukaku has the best shots-to-goals ratio in the Premier League, finding the net with five of his 17 efforts.
* Phil Jagielka made a whopping 14 clearances against Villa.
* Fulham have attempted the fewest shots in the division, with only 69 in their nine games thus far.
* They had just two shots against Southampton - neither of them were on target.
* Not one Fulham player made a key pass.
* Steve Harper made his 135th top flight appearance on Sunday. He played his first in 1998.
* Despite playing a 5-4-1 formation, Hull managed a respectable ten shots against Spurs.
* Alex Bruce touched the ball just 16 times in the 90 minutes.
* In four games together, Daniel Sturridge and Luis Suarez now have ten goals.
* Suarez had five other shots, two on target, created three chances and completed five dribbles.
* Mamadou Sakho completed an admirable 93% of his passes.
* Sunday was the first Premier League game Manchester City have lost in which Sergio Aguero has scored.
* Javi Garcia has the best pass completion rate of any player in the Premier League, with 94.2%. 98% of his passes found their targets against Chelsea.
* City had more shots, more shots on target, more possession, more corners and won more aerial balls than Chelsea, but still lost.
* United have made the most interceptions in the division, with 156.
* With 34, United have also been caught offside more than anyone else in the division.
* And United have made more crosses than anyone else - 28 per game.
* 63% of Newcastle's shots have come from outside the penalty area - the highest ratio in the Premier League.
* Fabio Borini has now scored two Premier League goals - they've both been against Newcastle.
* Newcastle had more possession, more shots, a better pass completion rate and won more balls in the air than Sunderland, but still lost.
* With 31, Norwich had the most shots by a team in a single Premier League game this season. And they still didn't score.
* Ricky van Wolfswinkel created two chances despite only being on the pitch for three minutes.
* Robert Snodgrass created eight chances but only had one shot himself.
* James Ward-Prowse created six chances without having a shot himself against Fulham.
* Ward-Prowse had 101 touches. Only two Fulham players got more than 50.
* Southampton continue to have the second-best defensive record in Europe's top five divisions - only Roma, with one, have conceded fewer.
* Exactly half of Stoke's six goals this season have come from set-pieces.
* Only Arsenal and Manchester City play fewer long balls than Stoke - they average 55 a game.
* Stoke won a massive 73% of their aerial duels against Manchester United.
* Two of Sunderland's last three league wins have come against Newcastle.
* Sunday was only the third game out of their last 55 in which the Black Cats have conceded a goal and won.
* Adam Johnson finally registered an assist with his 18th chance created of the season.
* Swansea (86.6%) have the best passing accuracy in the Premier League.
* The Swans have won fewer aerial duels than any other PL team.
* Jonathan De Guzman attempted 12 crosses against West Ham, three times as many as any other Swansea player.
* Spurs have won more penalties (3) than any other PL side.
* In Spurs' 24 home games under AVB, they have scored just 34 goals.
* Kyle Walker has had more touches of the ball than any other PL player this season.
* Only Everton and Manchester United have been fouled more often than West Brom (115) this season.
* In West Brom's game against Liverpool, no player on either team created more chances than Youssuf Mulumbu.
* No player has made more clearances this season that Jonas Olsson (93).
* West Ham are the only PL side yet to hit the woodwork this season.
* No side has a worse pass accuracy than West Ham (73.5%) this season.
* West Ham also have the worst shot accuracy in the Premier League (30.5%).
Nick Miller - follow him on Twitter
I'm still waiting for medel to go psycho at some point before xmas- richy99