Liverpool, Arsenal, Spurs and Everton - every potential top four challenger seems to be dealing in one step forward, two more back. Can anyone rise above these false dawns?
The boys try and take a look at Alan Irvine's appearances on TV but keep dropping off. Never before has a man been too dull to even use cliches. It's not good...
Curiosity killed the cat. After calls for Forster to be given a chance following Joe Hart's recent slip-ups, the understudy only strengthened the incumbent's claim to the number one jersey. Forster looked hesitant in his kicking in the early stages and maintained a worryingly close relationship with his goal-line throughout. He was fortunate that a poor parry into the middle of the penalty area didn't find an onrushing Chilean striker shortly after the break and allowed several crosses to fly past the six-yard box rather than stretching to clear or catch. Come back Joe, all is forgiven.
Seemed to be carrying an extra bit of timber (oooh, bitchy) and was slow to get going in the first half. Was nowhere to be seen when Jean Beausejour was presented with a chance to double Chile's lead after just 13 minutes but eventually got a handle on his opponent and reaffirmed his superiority in the race for the right-back role. We're relieved to see him return after Kyle Walker's recent run in the team.
"It makes me laugh sometimes when people say someone, not just me, is not good enough."
We suspect Cahill isn't laughing now after his silly mistake allowed Alexis Sanchez to seal Chile's victory and the Chelsea defender looked a lot less assured in the absence of his regular centre-back partner Phil Jagielka. Roy Hodgson seems to be a big fan of Cahill, but we rather mischievously wonder what might happen if John Terry were to suddenly announce an end to his retirement.
"I want to be strong and aggressive in attack and defence, it just so happens I pick up a few knocks now and again." Strong and aggressive is one thing, but it might have helped if Jones had shown a few brains too as he made his first start at centre-back for England. He was at fault in the build-up to Sanchez's opener - stepping up when he should have dropped deep with the rest of the back four - and not long later his misplaced pass led to an excellent chance for Beausejour. That he was replaced by Chris Smalling in the first wave of subs says a lot about Hodgson's view of his performance.
It was only one mistake, but that's all it took for Chile to take the lead and Baines' claim to the left-back spot in Brazil to suddenly seem a lot weaker. There are no doubts over Baines' ability to support the attack, but he failed to address concerns over his defensive game by losing Sanchez for Chile's opening goal. If Cole now performs well against Germany on Tuesday, Baines will face a long three-and-a-half month wait until England's next friendly against Denmark to see how much his error may have cost him. Hodgson's praise for Kieran Gibbs and Luke Shaw is also likely to be ringing in his ears after a missed opportunity.
A couple of good crosses from the right in the early stages before he was overrun with the rest of England's midfield. He'll be in the squad in the summer and he'll burn to a crisp in Brazil.
The highlight of his evening was being presented with a lovely gold cap before kick-off as England's midfield struggled to get to grips with their lively opponents. And let's remember that Chile were missing Arturo Vidal on Friday, too. As Ian Wright said at half-time on ITV, "They're just breaking on us willy-nilly," with Sanchez weaving between the lines and both Lampard and Wilshere failing to provide protection to the defence. There was a lack of balance and a lack of impetus in midfield, despite a steady improvement after the interval.
Provided several of his customary bursts from midfield and was responsible for England's best move of the first half when he controlled Forster's kick on his chest and played a wonderful pass to release Wayne Rooney. A neat trick saw him evade Marcelo Diaz in the penalty area before he was thwarted by Mauricio Isla, but Wilshere will be disappointed with his pass accuracy of 67%, which left much to be desired.
Hit the first man with an early corner and then sent a second straight to Eduardo Vargas when he tried to play it short to Johnson. It wasn't a great start, but Lallana quickly grew into the game and looked unfazed on his debut. The midfielder demonstrated his poise and fine control, while he also impressed in his defensive work as he pressed the Chile defence and made more tackles (seven) than any other player on the pitch. Indeed, the next highest number of tackles was four, recorded by Chile left-back Eugenio Mena. On this performance, Lallana should expect to be given another chance against Germany on Tuesday.
Unlike his Southampton teammate, the young forward failed to take his chance and is now left to dwell on Hodgson's warning before kick-off: "It's a big night for them and unfortunately if they do fail spectacularly and do really badly, it will be held against them." Rodriguez looked nervous on the left and failed to get into the match before his eventual substitution and it appears that his call-up may have come too soon. At 24, he has time on his side to carve out another opportunity, but until then he should focus on finding better consistency in his performances.
Started quietly but was an integral part of every England attack in the first 45 minutes, creating four shooting opportunities for teammates. His ballooned effort at the start of the second half rather summed up a frustrating night, though, as he was largely starved of service. The return of Steven Gerrard and Daniel Sturridge will help to get the best out of Rooney and the duo were sorely missed on Friday evening.
Chris Smalling (on for Jones, 57)
His only contribution was some sloppy passing and being butted by Gonzalo Jara. Jagielka has nothing to worry about at this stage unless Hodgson likes his players to play sloppy passes before being butted. That'd be weird.
Andros Townsend (on for Rodriguez, 57)
Came on to loud cheers from the crowd but had little impact, attempting just ten passes in over half an hour on the pitch. A neat turn and burst down the right almost resulted in a chance for Rooney but, with Chile suffocating the space in midfield, Townsend couldn't capitalise as he did against Montenegro and Poland. We're also flabbergasted that he didn't have a single shot.
Jermain Defoe (on for Milner, 65)
His first touch was a neat lay-off to Rooney and after that he disappeared. We're flabbergasted that he failed to have a shot, too.
Jordan Henderson (on for Lampard, 71)
Made a couple of fouls and made us yearn for the return of his Liverpool captain in midfield.
Tom Cleverley (on for Wilshere, 71)
Did very little to win back Hodgson's love in his 20 minutes and faces a tough fight to hold on to his place for the manager's World Cup squad. For some reason Cleverley is still thought of as a youngster, but at 24 (two years older than Aaron Ramsey), he really should be contributing a whole lot more.
Ross Barkley (on for Lallana, 76)
We like him. We like him a lot. He made a few clumsy fouls in his brief appearance but showed his strength and poise with a promising drive into the box that finally gave England fans some excitement. Hopefully Roberto Martinez can continue to get the best out of Barkley to keep him in with a shout of being Hodgson's wildcard in Brazil.
Matt Stanger - he's on the Twitter.