He would report all-out nuclear war and a Victor Moses loan deal with the same degree of hyperbole. Our man Johnny is still recovering from TDD...
Manchester City aren't being criticised enough for their spending. Also, the David De Gea situation is explained in full and we have a running Winners and Losers table.
* Despite being 12 points better off, Arsenal have scored fewer goals (52) than the same stage last season (53).
* Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain was the only Arsenal player to create two goalscoring chances v Stoke; he only played the final 16 minutes.
* Olivier Giroud lost the ball with a poor touch seven times v Stoke; only five players (Peter Crouch, Jay Rodriguez, Luis Suarez, Christian Benteke and Adam Lallana) have a higher average turnover-per-game rate than Giroud in the PL.
* Villa play more long balls per game (71) than any PL side this season. Leandro Bacuna found a teammate with just three of his 12 long balls v Norwich.
* Villa have picked up 13 points from a losing position this season. Only Chelsea have claimed more (14).
* Andreas Weimann has had 53 shots this season to Christian Benteke's 54; Weimann has scored three PL goals to Benteke's nine.
* Cardiff have not scored in their last 400 minutes of PL football.
* Striker Fraizer Campbell had no shots, created no chances and completed just ten passes in 90 minutes v Tottenham on Sunday.
* Declan John played as a left wing-back but did not attempt a single cross v Tottenham; his average position was inside his own half.
* Andre Schürrle has scored six goals from just 35 PL shots this season; Fernando Torres has scored three goals fromk 37 shots.
* Eden Hazard has scored or assisted 19 PL goals this season. Only Luis Suarez (34), Daniel Sturridge (23) and Sergio Aguero (20) have contributed more.
* Oscar has not contributed a PL goal or assist since January 1 v Southampton.
* Glenn Murray completed just four of his 11 attempted passes in his 45 minutes on the pitch v Swansea.
* No Palace player has contributed more than one PL assist this season.
* Palace have not scored an away goal in open play in 2014.
* Everton are six points better off than the same stage last season under David Moyes but are in the same position (6th).
* Everton have actually conceded fewer goals at home (10) than second-placed Liverpool (12).
* Leighton Baines finally got a PL assist this season with his 32nd key pass v West Ham.
* Fulham had a pass completion rate of just 66% v Chelsea; their average for the season is 79.4%.
* Ashkan Dejagah found a teammate with just one of his 11 crosses v Chelsea.
* Clint Dempsey completed only eight passes in 90 minutes v Chelsea on Saturday.
* Hull strikers Nikica Jelavic and Shane Long had a total of six shots v Newcastle but none were on target.
* Tom Huddlestone has played 47 key passes this season but has claimed only two assists - the latest came v Newcastle on Saturday.
* Hull have taken just one point from their last four games at the KC Stadium.
* Philippe Coutinho is dribbled past more times per game (2) than any other PL player.
* Luis Suarez has contributed an assist in five of his last six PL games.
* Jordan Henderson made more tackles (7) than any other player on the pitch v Southampton on Saturday.
* Luuk de Jong won 12 aerial duels and made three key passes v Hull but had only one of Newcastle's 17 shots.
* Loic Remy has scored 35% of Newcastle's goals this season - the highest proportion in the PL.
* Vurnon Anita became the first non native French speaker to score for Newcastle since Paul Dummett v Liverpool in October when he netted v Hull on Saturday.
* Norwich have not scored more than one goal in any of their last 13 PL games.
* Norwich strikers account for only six of their 21 PL goals this season.
* Robert Snodgrass is dispossessed more times per game (2.8) than any other PL player.
* Southampton made a massive 33 tackles v Liverpool on Saturday; Rickie Lambert was the only outfield starter not to contribute.
* England trio Luke Shaw, Adam Lallana and Lambert made 11 of Southampton's 13 chances v Liverpool.
* Southampton have won only one of their last eight PL games at St Mary's.
* Jonathan Walters has now scored the most PL goals for Stoke with a pretty paltry 24 in four seasons.
* Stoke record the average number of fouls per game (13.3) in the Premier League.
* Stoke's home record of 24 points from 14 games is better than every PL side barring the top four and Everton.
* Swansea played a massive 91 long balls v Palace on Sunday - more than any other side this weekend.
* Ben Davies has created more chances than any other PL player (27) this season without getting an assist.
* Leroy Lita featured in the PL for Swansea v Palace for the first time since April 2012.
* Andros Townsend averages more shots per game (3) than any other Tottenham player; he had four v Cardiff on Sunday.
* Only 17% of Tottenham's attacks came down the middle v Cardiff. Central midfield pair Mousa Dembélé and Paulinho made only one key pass in total.
* Tottenham are one point and 12 goals worse off than the same stage last season.
* West Ham average four shots on target per game at home but just 2.5 away. They managed just one at Everton on Saturday.
* James Collins and James Tomkins are both in the top six for PL clearances per game this season.
* ...but Tomkins completed just one pass (of eight attempted) v Everton.