How To Survive A Liverpool Title Win

It's a thought that brings fear to many football fans, but thankfully Alex and Andi have come up with several ways to cope with a Liverpool title win. County cricket, anyone?

Last Updated: 31/03/14 at 11:35 Post Comment

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As we know, because Brendan Rodgers said so, Liverpool have 533 million supporters worldwide. Statistically speaking, then, one in every 13 or so of you will be feeling quite pleased with yourself, your club, and the state of the league table. You may therefore stop reading now, and go back to sitting in a happy daze, planning your Brendan tattoo, or doing the Sturridge dance. Whatever's working for you.

For the rest of us, it's time to face the truth: Liverpool may win the league. While none of their remaining games are against teams as bleakly dysfunctional as Tim Sherwood's Hot Hot Spurs, and while they still have to face Chelsea and Manchester City at home, it's a possibility. They're scoring lots and lots of goals, you see, and advanced statistical models have revealed that scoring lots and lots of goals gives you a good (rising to very good in some circumstances) chance of winning football matches. Other advanced statistical models have suggested a positive correlation between winning football matches and winning football leagues. Don't worry about the maths, plebs, you wouldn't understand.

It has been suggested by some overheating journalists that a victory for Liverpool would be popular with the neutrals. That Steven Gerrard finally getting the medal he's craved for years would be the cause for street parties up and down the land. This is what happens when you lock previously rational human beings in a dark press box and feed them nothing but narrative for years. A victory for Liverpool would certainly be slightly more interesting than a victory for either Chelsea or Manchester City; it would also be, on a number of very important levels, vastly and completely intolerable. Particularly on the internet, where we all live.

With that in mind, then, here is the Official Diary365 Do Not Cut Out And Keep Since This Is On A Screen You Pillock Guide To Surviving A Liverpool Title Win:

The Moral High Ground (I)
Something something no European competition something something recovery time something perhaps the only coach in the running who actually gets to spend any time coaching his playes something freakish luck with important players and injuries something. Kolo Toure? Kolo Toure. Exactly.

A tricky one this, since the ideal destination needs to be somewhere pleasant to live, yet completely lacking in any interest in the English Premier League, or EPL as those foreigns like to call it. After speaking to the Premier League and asking about their emergent market penetration strategy, we've narrowed it down to a list of three: (a) Antarctica, (b) the moon, or (c) Leeds. North Korea used to be considered an option but it turns out although Kim Jong-Il was a Top, Top Red, Kim Jong-Un is the one making all those tactical analysis gifs of Liverpool's midfield transitions, and that haircut is actually because he really likes Suso.

A Sudden And All-Consuming Interest In County Cricket
Isn't it interesting that Kevin Pietersen will be playing for Surrey and competing in the Caribbean Twenty20 tournament? Isn't it, though? Think about the commute. On a plane. It's a long way! On a plane! Isn't it interesting, though? Can a professional athlete keep himself in tip-top shape while eating nothing but small packets of highly-salted mini pretzels? Can he? Isn't it interesting, though?

The Moral High Ground (II)
No, he hasn't answered his critics. His critics weren't asking about goals. They were asking about unrepentant racism. And they still are.

Complete And Total Denial
Didn't happen. Did not happen. "Liverpool"? "Liverpool," you say? Rings a bell, sure, but can't place it. The title? Hah, no, you must be mistaken. This may prove a tricky position to maintain if you have, say, a wildly popular Diary column to write on a website of international note. But we're willing to give it our best shot.

Begrudging And Reluctant Acceptance Coupled With Immediate Point-Changing
Aye, fine. You'll not be so cocky next season, when Chelsea buy a proper striker and City buy a proper centreback and United buy a proper manager and Arsenal don't do any of the above, and the title comes back to its rightful place as the personal property of either a super-rich man who likes shiny things, or a super-rich country that likes shiny things, or a coagulation of American profit-gougers. Oh God, the state of things.

The Full Reggie Perrin
Leave your clothes on the beach. Leave your worries behind. Walk into the sweet, cool embrace of the ocean that birthed us all. Be at peace. Come on, hum the tune with me. "No alarms and no surprises."

Andi Thomas and Alexander Netherton

You can follow Andi on Twitter here, Alexander on Twitter here, and buy last season's Diary here.

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Readers' Comments


his is brilliant! All these years of moral ambiguity, grey areas of offence and we have a simple, easy to follow guide to right and wrong. What did you do today? I kicked the face off a panda . Oh well, you didn't rape, kill anyone or abuse a minor, knock yourself champ.

megabrow (cufc)
Redknapp leaps to Mackay defence


wonder if he'd feel the same way if he wasn't a white, non-jewish heterosexual male. Because Mackay has basically insulted everyone else!

Redknapp leaps to Mackay defence


heers Harry. I was wondering if he'd murdered anyone

Redknapp leaps to Mackay defence

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