Mild Cheddar And MDF: Rating Each Premier League Team

We're not a fan of meaningless marks out of ten, so here's a ratings system you can really get on board with. From 'breaded ham' to 'cat litter' with plenty in between...

Last Updated: 12/05/14 at 11:24 Post Comment

Latest Articles

The Bitter Taste Of Arsenal Déjà Vu

2 comments

A disastrous night on which were humbled by a side with which they should at least be competing. How much is Arsene Wenger to blame for this Champions League repeat?

Red Bull & RB Leipzig: Money Gives You Wings

Post comment

A football club in Germany has had its name, stadium, kit, badge, colours and nickname changed by a multi-billion Euro company. Another romantic football tale...

All Articles

Manchester City
You fools, Manchester City, you fools. If you'd played your best football at the end of the season, everybody would have adored you. Why did you go and waste it in the middle? Now nobody remembers and everybody's a bit underwhelmed.

Grade: B, down from a B+ because Vincent Kompany is annoying


Liverpool Football Club
It's not easy, pleasing everyone, but Liverpool found a way. First they played deliriously brilliant football, galloped to the top of the league, and looked pretty much nailed on to stay there. This pleased their fans, many journalists, and (in the writers' personal experience) precisely one neutral who wasn't actually that bothered. Then Steven Gerrard fell over and Dwight Gayle didn't, and everybody else was pleased as well.

Grade: A++++++++++++++++++++


Chelsea
Everybody! Everybody! At the back! Can you hear me! Right! An announcement! Please speak quietly! Very quietly! Do not shout! Jose Mourinho has a headache! A really bad headache! Right between the eyes! So speak quietly! Don't bang your steps! Try not to drop that large stack of dishes ... oh. Oh dear.

Grade: Nurofen


Arsenal
Arsenal.

Grade: Arsenal


Everton
Fun and flawed, Everton looked at times like a brilliant side that were on the verge of making the European Cup, and at other times like a bit of a mess. Pretty much what might happen if you gave that bloke who used to manage Wigan a collection of better players. Whatever happened to him?

Grade: A, for services rendered to comprehensively trashing the notion of necessary periods of transition, and in the process making their former manager look quite silly, and also of services rendered to the cause of conspiratorial nonsense, after making their neighbours froth in the aftermath of the City defeat


Tottenham Hotspur
Despite being managed for half a season by a manager that seems to be allergic to the Premier League, and for the other half by a character so cliched that Little Britain would have passed; despite spending a fortune on loads of player who have been so forgettable that we've forgotten about them; despite seemingly never playing well, ever ... Tottenham have finished with just three points fewer than last season. The league table may not lie, but it seriously stretches the truth at times.

Grade: Mild cheddar, obviously


Manchester United
Well, that didn't go very well now, did it?

Grade: Cat litter


Southampton
Attractive football, local youngsters blended with canny purchases, the emerging spine of the England teams of the future ... it's going to be sad watching this team get torn apart over the course of the next transfer window.

Grade: Tempting, plump, marbled


Stoke City
To make a Serious Football Point for a second, it was entirely possible that Stoke's decision to change manager, made on the grounds of aesthetics and the seven-year itch, could have gone hilariously and messily wrong. Stoke were a side constructed to play football in a certain way, and manking about with such things is always risky. So kudos to Mark Hughes and his players for having an almost entirely unremarkable season.

Grade: MDF


Newcastle United
It's hard getting booked for dissent these days, since referees are apparently inured to the majority of the grown-up language that gets thrown their way. It's even harder to get booked twice for dissent, because referees are generally loath to hand out the second yellow for anything short of a near-red. But to get booked twice for dissent between conceding a goal and taking the restart? You have to say that's magnificent.

Grade: Shola Ameobi gets an A for swearing, everybody else gets detention for not swearing


Crystal Palace
WOOP WOOP! IT'S THE SOUND OF THE PULIS!

Grade: Pete the Eagle's sunglasses


Swansea City
Any season in which a club is forced to deny reports that one player threatened another, and specifically to deny that one player threatened another with a brick, has to be counted as a success.

Grade: Holdmebackholdmebackholdmeback


West Ham United
We'll be honest, it's mid-table where this concept for a column starts to get a bit weary. What is there to say about West Ham? They survived, comfortably, they played terrible football, and Sam Allardyce continued along the path of all angry men, slowly becoming ever more himself.

Grade: Grade: Grade: Grade: Grade: Grade:


Sunderland
Regular readers will know that the Diary has little love for Gus Poyet. However, our love for Wesley Brown knows no boundaries, so that balances things out nicely. Seem to have had more fun than most of the clubs above them, which is what a trip to Wembley can do for people. Take heed, O ye cup-deriding managers; take heed.

Grade: Personalised snood.


Aston Villa
End-of-season controversy engulfed Villa, as the players were seen drinking beer on the coach after their last game. Beer! Drinking! Beer! Grown men! Beer! This is the most interesting thing that Villa have done all season, unless you count Gabby Agbonlahor's occasional gestures towards a moustache, which we don't. Oh, and they're for sale.

Grade: ABV, yeah you know me


Hull City
A certainty to go down, they said. Staying up and getting to an FA Cup final and beating Liverpool at home and being saved from themselves by the FA and resurrecting the career of Nikica Jelavic, they never said, because it's a terribly punctuated sentence that needs a couple of commas before anybody should even think of trying to say it.

Grade: Breaded ham


West Bromwich Albion
Weirdly, Steve Clarke and Pepe Mel look nothing like one another, yet both look like geography teachers going through a rough patch at home. From this we can conclude that geography teachers going through a rough patch at home is an image of variety and deserves more respect in the lazy lookalikes game. West Brom were toss, mind.

Grade: Put that quenelle down, Nicolas


Norwich City
We asked Twitter to name the opposite of mustard. The replies included "ketchup", "custard", "lemon sorbet", "custard" again, "mint sauce", "Elton Welsby", "honey", "cauliflower", "custard" again, and "mustnotard".

Grade: "it's tough to joke about mustard"


Fulham
Er ... has anybody seen Kostas Mitroglou?

Grade: Miserable, in quite a funny way


Cardiff City
The cautionary tale of Cardiff City: if you're going to comprehensively trash the symbolic history of a football club, make sure you don't sack the manager that's going to keep you in the Premier League. Because that would look ridiculous.

Grade: Miserable, in a part-funny, part-sad way

Andi Thomas and Alexander Netherton

You can follow Andi on Twitter here, Alexander on Twitter here, and buy last season's Diary here.

Football365 Facebook Fan Page

The Football365 fan page is a great place to meet like minded people, have football related discussions and make new friends.

Most Commented

Readers' Comments

C

an we get one on the similarities between this year's Arsenal and 5 years ago. Or any other number you care to pick frankly...it shouldn't be hard.

mc1728
Liverpool: Five Similiarities Five Years On

R

icky van Wolfswinkel's remarkable record of one goal from one game at least deserves an honourable mention. And I'm willing to bet that at least one of Costa, Ulloa or Enner Valencia will earn a place on the list by the end of the season. Probably not Costa

stevenjameshyde
Top Ten PL Strikers Who Started Like A Train...

I

will also give up birthday Christmas and bacon for this to happen

badwolf
Ronaldo return ‘in place’

Latest Photos

Footer 365

Premier League: Newcastle winger Jonas Gutierrez battling testicular cancer

Newcastle United winger Jonas Gutierrez has revealed he has been receiving treatment for testicular cancer.

Champions League: Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger admits Dortmund deserved victory

Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger admits his side were 'average' following their 2-0 defeat to Borussia Dortmund.

Champions League: Liverpool boss Brendan Rodgers praises side after Ludogorets win

Liverpool boss Brendan Rodgers praised his side's character as they battled to a late 2-1 win over Ludogorets.

Mail Box

Who's More Miserable - Baggies Or Mags?

There's not a lot to choose between the misery of West Brom fans and the misery of Newcastle fans. We have mails on them, 'only QPR' and lots on Man United...

Forget it, Ronaldo Won't Come Back

A varied morning mailbox, with thoughts on Ronaldo, Daley Blind = Michael Carrick, Ed Woodward redemption, stick with Pardew, QPR's name change and marbles...

© 2014 British Sky Broadcasting Ltd. All Rights Reserved A Sky Sports Digital Media property