Arsene Wenger's 'pride' in signings is quite rightly pulled apart. We also have a stupidly long email on going back, and one Mailboxer whooping about the FA Cup first round...
Expensive suit, no tie, giving him the look of a randy divorcee, drenched in Joop aftershave. Johnny and Al look at The North East¿s Most Popular Man, Alan Pardew...
10) Geoff Cameron (Stoke)
No player started more Premier League games for Stoke City last season than Geoff Cameron, so the American's anger at being dropped from the club's opening games of the Premier League season are understandable, with reports suggesting he has asked for a move away from the club.
Cameron is not a 'bells and whistles' Premier League player, but a committed and consistent performer that could add reliability to any struggling defence. Expect the likes of Hull, Swansea and West Brom to be considering making their move for a defender that started three of USA's four games at the World Cup in Brazil.
9) Mohamed Diame (West Ham)
Whilst 2013 brought rumoured approaches from Arsenal and Liverpool for Mo Diame, 2014 has been a less remarkable year for the Senegalese midfielder, who has played just 22 minutes in West Ham's opening two games.
Criminally underrated during his time at Wigan, there seems a sense that Diame's is a career now in need of reignition, particularly as he only turned 27 this summer.
Everton and QPR have both been reported to be mulling over bids of around £3.5million. For a cut-price fee, you would be getting stamina and proven dependability in the heart of midfield.
8) Sandro (Spurs)
Mauricio Pochettino seems to have had an effect on many of Spurs' under-performing stars, but as yet the club's Brazilian contingent seems to have missed out on the sprinkling of new manager magic dust. Paulinho has been forced to settle for Europa League minutes, whilst Sandro has yet to take the field in any competition, left on the bench against AEL Limassol last Thursday.
For the latter, the situation is now becoming critical. This is not a new signing struggling to bed in, but instead a Brazil international whose career is stalling. I almost spat out my tea upon realising Sandro had been at Spurs for four-and-a-half years. A much-discussed move to Napoli would seem both sensible and necessary.
7) Adel Taarabt (QPR)
Until now, Adel Taarabt's only impact on this Premier League season is an interview in which he claims Mario Balotelli can win the title for Liverpool, a loan spell at Milan with the striker failing to result in a permanent offer. The tempestuous Moroccan now remains in limbo, angling after a move that his club would be only too happy to permit, but as yet left unwanted.
Taarabt remains a victim of his own reputation, brilliant on occasion but frustrating and unreliable as standard. He is a mercurial talent in an age in which genius is celebrated only in combination with professionalism, rather than in isolation.
6) Hatem Ben Arfa (Newcastle)
"There are one or two players who perhaps need to move on, and that might happen before the window ends," was Alan Pardew's assessment of Newcastle's squad ahead of the transfer window's final week, and there are no prizes for guessing that Hatem Ben Arfa would be included on such a brief list. Ben Arfa has been training with the reserve squad after being told he was overweight at the start of pre-season - that's two Chunkys in one entry.
Having been capped 13 times by France (and still just 27), two years ago it would have seemed unthinkable that Ben Arfa could find himself so unloved by a club and manager but, like Taarabt before him, he is guilty of allowing himself to coast into mediocrity.
Newcastle fans chanted the Frenchman's name on Saturday, desperate to see the glimpses of excellence such a player can provide. The suspicion is that that Ben Arfa is becoming an all-too-distant memory.
5) Lukas Podolski (Arsenal)
Is there a current player that 'enjoys' a greater gap between his fortunes for club and country than Lukas Podolski?
Scorer of 28 goals in his 69 Arsenal appearances since his move from the Bundesliga, the German has found himself continuously down the pecking order in Arsene Wenger's 4-3-3 formation. The wide forwards need to be tireless in their running, and Podolski fails to meet that demand.
With that in mind, a move abroad seems likely, with Juventus reportedly set to take on the forward's £100,000-a-week wages in order to complete a loan deal. After winning the World Cup this summer and still somehow under 30, it would be an opportunity too good to miss.
4) Micah Richards (Manchester City)
As he sat in his (presumably) comfortable abode watching Sunderland v Manchester United on Sunday afternoon, one suspects that Micah Richards may have felt a funny feeling in his tummy when Jack Rodwell headed the home side level, a suspicion that the grass can indeed be greener on the other side.
English players should not be criticised for moving to (or staying at, in Richards' case) the bigger clubs in order to establish themselves as a key cog in increasingly well-oiled and more successful machines, but there must also come a time when failure is accepted and even embraced.
It is clear that 778 minutes of league football since May 2012 represents such a failure, and Richards is now in desperate need of a move. Unfortunately, City's demand for players that simply tick the home-grown box means that the defender's career is in danger of stalling. He's useful...but only because he's British.
3) Danny Welbeck (Manchester United)
Such is Danny Welbeck's obvious popularity at Old Trafford that supporters would be hugely sad to see him leave. Welbeck answers all of the relevant questions to be a fan favourite: Young, English, local, hard-working, and equally capable of the ridiculous alongside the sublime. These are the players that help build the bond between the expensively paid and the extortionately paying.
However, it appears increasingly likely that Welbeck's Old Trafford race has run, afforded just 28 league starts in the past two seasons combined. With the arrival of Angel Di Maria set to further increase the options ahead of the England international in the queue, now may be the time for pastures new. If not, that international career will be hugely difficult to prolong.
2) Fernando Torres (Chelsea)
"I want three strikers in the team," was Jose Mourinho's insistence after Fernando Torres' omission from the match-day squad for Chelsea's victory over Leicester. "I can't do a season without three strikers. Torres is one of those three strikers. I believe he'll stay. I want him. He will play, he will score goals."
One assumes the Portuguese was trying to persuade himself, alongside everyone else understandably sceptical. In May Torres finally scored his 20th league goal for Chelsea - it only took 110 matches and three-and-a-half years.
With Torres reportedly telling Chelsea he will not budge unless they pay off his £8.5m-a-year contract in full, it appears that an impasse has been reached. It's one that threatens to add a rotten cherry upon a particularly s**tty cake.
1) Daniel Agger (Liverpool)
An eight-and-a-half year stay in desperate need of curtailing before it begins to turn unfortunately sour. The arrival of Brendan Rodgers at Anfield was supposed to be hugely positive for a ball-playing central defender, but Agger has instead found himself forced behind Martin Skrtel, Mamadou Sakho and now Dejan Lovren in the Anfield pecking order.
Interest from Manchester City and Barcelona indicates the Dane's reputation, but unless a move can be forced in the next seven days, such prodigious suitors will be consigned to history. Agger may have broken down in tears when indicating he wished to leave Liverpool but, with the defender turning 30 in December, staying as an unwanted reserve would be a far more depressing scenario.
Daniel Storey - Follow him on Twitter