The bile is rising in Johnny's throat again. He gets angry at things so you don't have to. Read on for more foaming, sweary rants...
Money
The PFA apparently has some sort of deal with the Premier League which ensures that the players get first call on any money a club has. This means that Portsmouth have had to lay off 85 people to save money and yet have to pay John Utaka a wage so huge it alone could probably keep all of those people in work for a year. Lay off one rich man or 85 members of the labouring classes? Way to do solidarity with the workers, Gordon Taylor. Hang your head in shame.
Rock Me Baby
A player has scored. Great. But oh look at the a******e now. He's rocking a pretend baby! Either he or one of his mates has sprogged another infant to sap the planet of resources and harsh our buzz by crying in coffee shops and restaurants.
Well f****** done for having sperm and doing the most common thing on Earth, reproducing. Oh and EVERY OTHER F***WIT HAS DONE THIS CELEBRATION ALREADY!!! FOR NEARLY 20 YEARS!
Why not mime your over-made up bint actually giving birth instead? Get your legs up in some imaginary stirrups, son! At least it'd be f***in' original!
The Streak
A cheer goes up and there's a brief flash of flesh. It's a streaker! Yes! Go on, son! We all love streakers, so Mr TV Director, bloody well show them instead of panning away and pretending to be all snooty and prudish. Every game is improved by a fat man suffering from significant shrinkage; his penis crawling up into his pelvis as he evades stewards and police while doing a stark-naked version of the Lambada.
In fact, even a fully-clothed pitch-invader is tremendous entertainment if he's chased around the pitch like a rabid dog and then rugby-tackled. Let's actively give them the oxygen of publicity. F***ing killjoy TV directors, grow a pair and give us what we want and stop kow-towing to the disgusted of Tonbridge Wells brigade; it won't cause a riot. Very few of us want to strip naked and run onto a football pitch and we won't change our mind just because see someone else doing it.
You Better You Bet
The Betfair Front Room must be one of the most bilious exercises in advertising since the last time I saw that achingly forced, self-conscious, puke-inducing, Redknapp ad for being on f*****g holiday. So here we have some people who are, on the face of it, very easy to despise, being employed to make Betfair look like an attractive, macho way to throw your cash down the drain. I stare, mouth agape, wondering what the f**k is going on? I never even bought a Flake when the ads showed some lass in a field simulating fellatio, so I'm sure as hell not going to put a bet on because I've seen some cockney shouting on the telly. Shouting **** off you ******* ***** seems the only reasonable reaction.
Other Business: Non Football Anger
Queen Bitch
What is this f*****g idiotic trend for some women who, on hearing or experiencing something potentially slightly upsetting, start to make that flapping gesture with their hands around their eyes? Are your eyes hot or something, pet? Does hand-flapping delay the onset of tears? Or are you being a big f**king drama queen and copying some s**t you've seen on a soap opera or a hysterical chat show for the socially dysfunctional and intellectually challenged. I think we know the f***ing answer.
Rock 'n Roll Doctor
Had to go to the doctors this week due to a bout of tennis elbow caused by furious self-abuse or possibly by lifting weights in the gym. She looks at it and basically says there's not much she can do. She's typically watery and slightly patronizing, treating me like I'm 13 but scared to say or even do much, maybe in case I sue her, or this being Scotland, produce a knife and ask for heroin or that tanning drug that they shoot up in the west of Scotland ( I'm not kidding).
I suggest a massive shot of cortisone has fixed it before but she doesn't like doing that and I come away with the highly educated advice to take ibuprofen. F**k me! Run along sonny, you've had your six minutes, seemed to be the underlying vibe.
Last time I had this condition it was all different. I had a 20 stone doctor in Newcastle, 1979. He was called Sidney. He wore a three piece suit, had a watch on a chain tucked into his waistcoat pocket and held his trousers up with high-tensile braces stretched to capacity. He chain-smoked throughout a consultation and had an ash tray the size of a hub cap piled high with fag ends and ash. He was fantastic and would give you pretty much any drugs you wanted if you asked nicely.
He treated my tennis elbow by inserting a needle into my elbow joint and wiggling it around furiously. The cold steel burnt like a bullet.
"Yell when it hurts like f**k, kidda, that's where it needs to go," he said. Treated me like a man, even though I was 18 and wet behind the ears. And here's the thing, he f***ing cured it, whereas I'm sitting here with shooting pains down my right arm and no prospect of it ever ending.
God, I miss characters like him in public life. The world is full of corporate, bland people trying not to offend you, who end up offending you by being so f***ing bland. Came away missing Sid, depressed and f*****g annoyed.
Johnny Goes Ballistic About...The PFA
Now let's hear what you've got to say about this item... or anything else happening in the world of football. Send in your opinions, rants, praise or abuse to: theeditor@football365.com
Other Articles
- Johnny Goes Ballistic About...The PFA
- The Laughing Stock Has It Right This Time
- Johnny Goes Ballistic About...Media Stars
- It Must Be Us, Us, Us, Not Me, Me, Me
- Johnny Goes Ballistic About Volleys...
- Let's Talk About
SexFootball, Baby... - 'Arry Out, Guus In For Tottenham...
- Losing Is Really Not That Drastic...
- Stay Young, Free And Single Lads...
- Whatever Happened To...Free Kicks?
Your Comments
melanotan
"Folks in the west of Scotland are using the melanotan peptides (tanning drugs)?
Cheers,
http://melanotan.org/ & afamelanotide"
Griff
"This is great. It's like Grumpy Old Men, only funnier, and as a grumpy old-even-by-AC-Milan-standards man, it strikes a chord. In fact, it reminds me of a character called "Mr Abusing" in the long-defunct Melody Maker."
jonnywishbone
"John, google "tennis elbow exercises" and go to the first non-sponsored link. cortisone is good, but as you've found out, it recurs. exercises are the potential cure."
treeman
""scared to say or even do much". If you talk like you write, I'd be pretty intimidated too. It's kind of disgusting, I can practically feel your saliva hitting my face as I read. "
ponythetony
"that has to be one of the funniest articles i have ever read. he should do thi every week and call it "you know what grinds my gears""
executiveKoala
"Didn't Totti mime giving birth after scoring for Roma? "
JODA
"As somebody says elsewhere on this site, loads of asterisks doesn't turn bland into exciting.
And, to the best of my knowledge, the "football-creditors first" deal is not with the PFA; the (slim) justification is that it is required to ensure fair competition (it would be unfair to prosper on foot of debts owed to competitors which you then fail to pay back). If I were British, what would really upset me is that these b******s pocket taxes which they have collected and fail to hand over.
And further, it is less than fair to Socialists, of whom I'm one, to classify Gordon Taylor as such. At teh same time, the < 10% deal of the TV money that they negotiated is a very good idea and is spent on many causes which good socialists would support.
PS: We know that Fox TV is not very keen on Socialists; I hope there is a balance in F365?"
gremlingunner
"Deep breath's Johnny. There's a good lad!
Brilliant stuff!"
Magri
"My God. And I thought my mate Potter was bitter. "
carlitob
"Brilliant!! Couldn't agree more about the Betfair ad."
All comments on this story